The 12 days of...?

Here we are, about 2 days away from Christmas, and I can't seem to get in the spirit. I mean, I know Christmas is coming up, but it doesn't feel like it...

Anyways, I'm back for a time, here to share whatever the hell happens to be on my mind at the time. Which would be how well the past weeks have gone for me.

Let's start with Friday. Basically, the same as Thursday, except school got out earlier, and I didn't go anywhere fun. Saturday, we (my family) had a bunch of guests over, who got to see me as I truly am, and didn't make a big deal of it. Monday, nothing happened. Tuesday evening, a friend and I went to one of her friends' friends house to watch The Fellowship of the Ring, directors cut, in preparation for watching The Hobbit. And on Wednesday, that same friend, and a few of her friends (along with some of my family) went to see The Hobbit in theaters (which was freaking awesome!). Thursday was my first day of winter break, and Friday the world didn't end after all.

Moral of the story: the people that I know don't care that I'm trans. And I have a social life now (I had NO life outside of school before coming out).

On an unrelated note... I hate it when people assume that being LGBT is a choice. "Why did you choose to be gay?" Nobody chooses to live a difficult life, the same as people don't choose what skin color they are born with. What's worse, though, is when people find out you're trans, and think it's okay to ask some of the most inappropriate questions imaginable, like, "Have you gotten 'the surgery'?" "How do you have sex?" (to name a few). People think that, just because you're trans, it's okay to ask these questions. If you think about it, it's like walking up to some stranger and asking if they've ever had plastic surgery, or had a kidney transplant, or something like that - it's downright rude.

I would say something else, but, frankly, I can't think right now. So.. Until next time, I guess!

It's official!

A lot has happened this week.

Tuesday was my last day presenting as a guy.

Wednesday:
My classmates were notified that I would be attending school as Jennifer from now on. My mom and I went to a hairdresser, who we've known for years, and she did my hair (highlights and a slight trimming - it turned out great!), then we (both my parents and myself) went to Auburn and got my name legally changed.  My  mom and I then went shopping at Fred Meyers and Plato's Closet, where I got a bunch of bras, flannel shirts, a few pairs of nice jeans, and a good fleece jacket. We later went and saw the high school winter choir concert, where I was greeted rather warmly by those that know me.

Today (Thursday):
I went to school and (the best part) experienced no harassment. None. Basically, not a single f*** was given today. Sure, there were a few slip-ups with name and pronouns, but that's to be expected. After school, some friends and I went to get my eyebrows done (they look great!), then went to the South Hill mall for a little shopping (didn't get much for myself - just two v-necks), and then came back home.

This was all a LOT more exciting than I make it sound, and trust me, I could have made it sound pretty darn exciting. But, frankly, I'm too tired to do so. It's been a long, exciting, and exhausting few days, and I have school tomorrow. So you will just have to deal with this summary. And you will be happy with it.

More updates?

Wow. I should really write more often. It seems like I spend most of my time surfing mindlessly through Facebook, playing Minecraft, and other such meaningless things. Though I have been working quite a bit on a few films and scripts, one of which I will (hopefully) be filming next week. The two main ones I've been working on are the big feature length film, and a horror film. The horror film is, well... scary. It involves a guy getting back at his best friend for stealing his girlfriend, but they all end up getting killed by a serial killer. I would say more, but... I don't want to spoil the plot, since I will be making that this year, and hope to show it in my town's annual Film Festival. It will probably take a while to make it, since it's about 20 minutes long, and I have yet to start filming it, let alone knowing where we will be filming... But, on a positive note, I will hopefully have a soundtrack and musical score for it, compliments of a friend and his band (you guys ARE going to help, right, Recoil?). As for the other film... I have modified the story quite a bit. Whereas it started out as a vampire story, then became a demon story... It is now about witches. It still has the magic stuff, but an entirely new plot. In a short summary, a witch is running away after committing a terrible crime, so she hides out in the main character (literally. She possesses her). After a little while, she accidentally kills a cheerleader, and the police, the cheerleaders boyfriend, and his best friend, get involved, trying to find the perpetrator. Meanwhile, a few mages are looking for the witch, and come to the town. One of them teams up with the boyfriend, saying he knows how the girl was killed. Also meanwhile, the best friend and the main girl become a couple (wish I could explain in more detail). After a little while, the boyfriend tries to kill the main character, the mage shows up to witness it, and a huge fight scene commences, resulting in the capture of the witch. And... That's pretty much the story. Still working on it, and it will probably be partially rewritten again, but... I like it. And unfortunately it's gonna take a lot to make it. Probably not going to even start on it till next school year, at the VERY earliest.

Anyways. This is supposed to be an update, right? So... How about I get back on topic?

Life has been good. My family is using my name and pronouns a lot more, and they are getting pretty good at it now. I am doing okay in my classes (well.....), and am starting to look at colleges. Particularly colleges with good film programs (thinking of Bellevue...), seeing as I plan to have a film career after high school. I mean, I feel like I was MADE to do this! Video production is fast becoming my life. Unfortunately for me... It's a lot easier to write a film than it is to actually make it (film and edit it). Especially when the film is over 10 minutes long. And has a bunch of special effects.

Other than that... I am preparing to come out to my classmates, though it won't really be a coming out, so much as a "Things are going to be...different, tomorrow. Just roll with it," then come to school the next day wearing somewhat feminine clothes and a touch of makeup. It should be interesting to see if and how people will react... Oh, almost forgot: it will happen December 12th to the 13th. On the 12th I will give the heads up, and the 13th will be my first day out and about in school.

Wish me luck! (even though it's about 3 weeks away)

Post-Election

This past week has been rather fun and interesting.

For starters, let's talk about the election. Obama won, 1-502 was passed in Washington state, and so was R-74 (legalization of marijuana and same-sex marriage), which in itself is an outstanding accomplishment. Though I don't know why marriage is something that can be voted on, and was such a hot topic in this years election. I am proud that this state has achieved this, I am not too happy as to the methods. As for the election of Obama.... Well, I don't have any complaints, but no matter who would have won from the two main parties (Obama or Romney), this country would have been pretty bad off. Obama hasn't been the absolute best President that he could have been, and I doubt he will do much better this term, and I believe Romney couldn't have done any better than his opponent. As for the legalization of marijuana... Congrats Washington, we are basically the first (besides Colorado) to do so in this country. Now adults 21 and older can smoke weed at their gay friends wedding.

Other than that, this week was kinda boring. With a few exceptions, one of which being that my school has a four day weekend, from Friday (today) to Monday. Which most everyone at school will spend playing Halo 4 or something. Wednesday was a bit fun, seeing as we watched a pretty cool movie in GSA. It was about three guys in Seattle that get superpowers. It was pretty interesting, and I wish I remembered the name of it.

Sometime earlier this week, though, was something that REALLY made my day. I was chatting with a friend on Facebook, whom I had recently met at a weekend retreat to Pilgrim Firs (best place ever), and she was kind of confused. She was wondering whether I had a brother named (insert my male name). She had seen that profile in the "people you may know" tab on Facebook, and was a tad confused.

She had known my sister for a little while, and had just met me, but had never met the other me. Even better is that, over the course of the weekend, she never suspected that I was a biological male - she just assumed a was a girl with a deep voice. 

This was possibly the best thing I have heard yet. That I have the ability to pass pretty well in public, and never be mis-gendered, or assumed to be a guy. I don't know how else to describe my elation, without repeating myself. I was, and still am, VERY happy.

Otherwise, nothing special has been going on.

Update after too long

Man, would you look at the time! I haven't posted anything here for weeks, and I never really noticed!

Well, to start this update off, I am happy to say that my breasts are developing rather rapidly!... If a bit too rapidly... I'm only a bit sad because it is getting somewhat harder to appear to have a flat chest at school (still a guy socially). I know it's a bit weird, but I still want to look like a guy in public, for now. I'm just not ready to come out yet. I still have two months in the closet, and I want to appear like nothing is up. I know, my methods are weird, but you do what you do. And I honestly don't know how people will react. Speaking of which... Turns out, a LOT of people at school already know, which I find rather ironic. So it seems that I won't be coming out to the whole school after all!

As for better news, things are going pretty well socially and educationally. My grades and work are actually pretty good, and I am working on some big-ish film projects, one of which should be finished soon, and the other will be filmed most of November. The second one should end up being around 20 minutes long, but it will be worth it. So far, there has only been one scary movie shown in class, but it wasn't even that scary. Mine, on the other hand... It may be my pride in my film, or the fact that is awesome and very well-written, but I think mine will be a better horror film than the other. Or it may be how poorly that one was made and scripted...

Anyways, enough with the random, inane ramblings, lets talk about somewhat more important stuff! Such as... Um... Such as....... Okay, so nothing really big is going on right now, other than my family starting to use my correct name and pronouns, my breasts growing, and just getting back from a weekend retreat at my favorite church camp in the whole world. Where I, again, got to be myself around awesome people, new and old friends. It wasn't much, but at least I got to spend some time at my real home.

Other than all that... Nothing has really been going on. Life has been pretty dull around here. But I'm sure that will all change in a few months...

Making up for lost time

Sorry for the lack of recent posts, you guys. I've just been so stressed, dealing with daily life and my eventual coming out to my school. Speaking of which...

Earlier last week, I got a text from one of my friends (who I'm out to), giving an account of something she had seen. In her class, several guys were huddled around an iPhone, staring at it. One of them was trying to convince the others that what they were staring at (my Facebook profile) wasn't faked. They all thought that someone had Photoshopped some pictures of my male self and posted them on a fake profile (I had posted a bunch of self-portrait photos). Anyways, it went on like that for a little bit, with none of them being convinced. As soon as I heard about it, I freaked out, in the sense that I basically just shut down. I just couldn't pay attention in class. Eventually, during lunch, we (she and I) talked to the principal, to see what we should do. The answer was pretty bleak: just let it happen. People were gonna find out anyways.

Anyways...

Just this past Wednesday, I started on my Estrogen pills, as well as celebrating my 16th birthday. But the best part weren't the material presents or the hormones; the best part was that my dad didn't mind, and he has started calling me Jennifer, and using female pronouns, to the point where nobody has yet to correct him, as he corrects himself. And, just the other day, my entire school, and the two middle schools in town, received training for dealing with a trans* student and any bullying they get. The best part? It seemed that everyone was willing to get the training.

As for the rest of what has been going on... Not much has, actually. Other than working on some film stuff, doing homework, and acting normal. For film, though... Next year in Advanced Video, we are still going to be using the same grading system, where we make a film in 1 of 10 categories (must use 6 categories each semester, and needs 6 films total). Well, next year, I won't have to make 12 films. As long as I get my big movie filmed and edited on time for each time we screen a film (only going to edit a couple scenes worth or so for each screening), I have something to present. And I will still get credit! Even better, though, is the fact that I am starting to get the hang of the WHOLE film making process, from start to finish, which shall prove most beneficial next year. For now, though, I shall just stick to making small films, and writing the script for my movie (I have dubbed it "Inner Demons").

National Coming Out Day

Today, October 11th, is National Coming Out Day. Though I don't think I will have to come out to all you guys :) Just in case, though...

I am transgender. Born with a male body and a feminine mind. I tell you, it isn't easy to live with; seeing a boy in the mirror and knowing you should be seeing a girl. It is even harder to not be able to tell anyone this, as most people don't understand. Some go even further, and hate it, to the point of verbal and physical harassment.

I needed to do something about this. About me. About my dysphoria. I didn't realize it until I was partway through Our Whole Lives, a sex-ed and safe-relationships class put on by my church. One day, we talked about transgender people, and it all seemed to fall into place. Ever had one of those sudden moments of clarity, where things just seem to click? That's what I had. I realized who and what I was. And I realized that I could do something about it.

So began the long process of coming out. On a rainy day in early April, 2011, I came out to a bisexual guy as trans. And he was pretty cool about it. I then came out to a couple friends from old schools and church camp, who had known me for a while, and that I trusted. Eventually and stupidly, I made and posted a coming out video on Youtube. Biggest mistake ever, but also in a good way; my younger sister saw it (I think I left it up on the computer we share), and told my dad. He saw it, then told my mom, when she got home. By then I had removed the video, but that night, my mom and I sat together, talking about what was going to happen. I think she went through half of a tissue box that night.

Things were pretty 'normal' for a time, until summer. During that time, I had gradually come out to a few more of my friends. During summer, though, is when I made my biggest coming out ever: at the church camp I went to, I came out to about 70+ people, in one sitting. Everyone was supportive.

The following school year (2011-12), I still went to school as Patrick, my male self. I wish I could have done something, but there wasn't much I could do. Yet that year, my sophomore year, I made more progress than ever. I made more friends, became a part of the GSA, and came out to a few more kids, including some at school. I even attended the midwinter church camp is me, Jennifer; I stayed in a girls cabin, was treated like a girl, etcetera.

I gained more confidence.

During the summer, up until now, I had been going to a trans* support group meeting, up in Seattle. There, I met several truly awesome people, who were going through something similar to my experience, in various stages of their own transitions. Needless to say, we all kicked things off from the start. Now, they are several of many people who I can rely on for help when things seem their worst.

Near the end of last school year, I was finally approved for a medical transition (taking hormones and such), paperwork and all. I started Spironolactone on March 14th of this year, and Finasteride on July 8th, both of which are used as Testosterone blockers; also, I will soon be starting Estrodial (Estrogen).

This past summer, I attended church camp again, in otherwise the same conditions as midwinter camp was, with the exception of different clothes per the weather. All went well, and I had a blast. Everyone was super accepting, supportive, and just... there. There if you needed a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to rejoice with. And they all still are, and I thank them all for that.

Later that summer, I attended a trans* conference (Gender Odyssey) up in Seattle, where I met some of my old friends, and made some new ones, not to mention learning a great deal more about transition and such.

All this time, my mother has been supportive and loving of me, and has been right beside me since I came out to her. My dad hasn't been nearly as supportive, but is getting there, slowly but surely. And, sometime this school year (before Christmas break), I will be coming out, at the very least to the people in my classes. Hopefully, things will go well, and I will be able to continue my high school career as the true me, without having to hide anything. With the love and support of all of you, my friends, I am sure I can make it through the rest of high school, and on into a happy, successful life afterwards.

Thank you, all of you, for being so accepting, supportive, and loving of me and my transition, my journey, and just for being there for me. I love you all, so, so much ♥

Telling the Teachers

Yesterday, the principle of my school called me in to her office to talk to me. What did we talk about? My transition.

A few weeks ago, my mom and an adult advocate whom my mom knew went in to talk to the principle, guidance counselor, and I think the nurse. They talked about how I was going to transition this school year, and that the staff were going to need some training, considering how well they handled the last trans student (ftm - the teachers could get his name right, but never his pronouns). They plan on having a training session on the 19th of this month (October), which should prove not terribly interesting.

Anyways, the principle called me in to tell me that she had told half of my teachers what was going to happen, and was going to tell the other half. She was wondering what I would do to tell my classmates, though, which I can understand. I told her: I would make a video (about 10 minutes long, maybe shorter), explaining how I am trans, what that means, answering some frequently asked questions I presume I will get, as well as addressing some of the slurs I may face. All in all, a rather basic coming out video. Which I hope to get credit for in my video productions class.

Speaking of videos...

Been working on the rather large script (now titled "Inner Demons", or something like) to the point where I know pretty much how each scene will play out. Granted, it's still a rough draft, and needs a few more scenes (important and filler scenes), but so far, it's pretty cool. I wish I could post it on here, but... First of all, I can't, because I cannot figure out how. Second, I lost the flashdrive where it is stored, and I don't have a backup file anywhere.

Intellectual Transition

I find it kind of funny how, back when was in elementary and middle school, my teachers would always tell me how smart I was, and that I would do great things in and with my life.

If only they knew.

Yes, I am quite smart, with an estimated IQ around 130, I'm in AP Calculus as a Junior, and I skipped a grade (I'm 15, almost 16). Not to brag or anything. But, if you compare my brain activity and capacity to my grades... You will find that there is something missing. My dad is always complaining that I've got so much brain, but I never show it, especially in my schoolwork. No, my homework habits are so bad, I failed a semester of English last year, and nearly failed the second, as well as the full year of AP Bio. Ironic how I'm so good at math, and yet I suck at science and English. Even more ironic is how creative I can be when it comes to writing, as well as just expressing myself (this blog). Heck, I managed to come up with the idea for a feature length film in only a couple days of bouncing ideas off of my friends.

Guess what? More irony is to come! Back in the third grade, I took a test that was supposed to help tell if I was a "gifted" student or not (belonging in advanced classes, such as an AP class). I scored pretty well overall, but in the "Creativity" section... I got a nine percent. NINE PERCENT. Then you look at me now, and what I've done and made... Remember that feature length film I talked about earlier? Yeah. Well, that idea was, and still is, a stroke of pure genius. I have only received positive reviews on it.

The irony never ends, does it; in the way of doing great things with and in my life, well... Here I am, transitioning to a female gender presentation.

Speaking of which...

Today, my mother and I went up to Seattle, for several reasons. The main two being to see my doc about getting my Estrogen prescription, and my psych for, well, just to catch up and talk. The other reason we were there was to shop, of course.

We went up to Seattle in time to see Michelle Obama's motorcade pass up on southbound I-5, as we were heading north towards the city center. Once we arrived, I tried parking in one of the various parking garages. Let's just say there is now a new scratch on the rear bumper... Anyways, we got out and headed up to the lobby, near street level. We had some time to kill, so we went to a Barnes & Noble nearby, where we were greeted at the door by a rather good-looking man. "Good morning, ladies." I was so ecstatic when he said that, as I had NO chest, and was only wearing skinny jeans, a flowing silk shirt, and had a ponytail. Then again, maybe I shouldn't have been surprised.

The appointment with the doc went pretty well. All we did was briefly discuss what would happen while I was taking Estrodial, then he wrote out the prescription for it, to give to whichever pharmacy we would use. Not much else really happened. But what came AFTER the appointment... Was probably the best thing my mom and I could have done. We went bra shopping at the Nordstrom near his office!! Both of us got fitted, and I am about a 32A, with a lot of padding. Granted, my bust will eventually fill out, and I think I may end up with a B cup, but hey. For now, I'm happy with the bra I've got.

After getting my first bra, we went to the Value Village in Capital Hill (Seattle), where I finally got to see what trying things on with a bust was like. I'll tell you, breasts make a WORLD of difference, especially with tops. Trying things on while flat, versus trying things on with a chest... Man, I really could see the difference, and it was a GOOD difference.

Anyways... I got several rather cute shirts, and a couple nice sweaters, out of it, for only about $4 each. After paying, I drove us all the way back to good ole Enumclaw, and we stopped at the High School,  where I attended the last half hour of the GSA meeting. While wearing one of my new shirts, skinny jeans, the new bra, and rocking a ponytail. Never felt better in my life.

Other than that... Today was rather calm. Didn't really do anything, once we got home. Well, except write on this blog, of course.

Depression

Saw this post in a group I'm part of on Facebook, and nearly broke down. Not having given much thought to suicide, I don't know what it's like to be that depressed, nor do I ever want to. Nobody should ever want to. Nobody should think that the only way out, the only option remaining, is suicide. It is not.
"An arrow must be pulled backward before it can be shot forwards."
"If you are taking this journey, it is to make you a better, stronger person."
Basically, just because you are going through some tough times, no matter how desperate it may seem... It does get better.


just thought i should re post this cause i know a lot of you are having a hard time.

Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over. You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days. It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are.

Sexuality, Gender, and Religion

Today, like most Sundays, I went to church. Yeah, I know, nothing special about it. But I did something different today. I came out to the members of my church. I told them all that I am transgender, and am on my way through transition to becoming my true self. You know what happened? As I sat down, everyone started applauding me.

Granted, I expected this, considering that the church I go to is a UCC [United Church of Christ - (we're Christians)] church, which is known for it's openness and acceptance of the LGBTQ community. In fact, it's motto is "No matter who you are or where you are on life's journey, you are welcome here." I find it rather ironic that I came out to my church last, because I knew they would have been accepting of me regardless.

Some may find this confusing. How can Christians love gays? Simple: according to Jesus and God, we should love everybody for who they are. And that is exactly what we strive to do. We don't preach the Bible, hoping that others will understand it. Instead we talk about it, and why things may have happened; why they were written. We read the Bible not because we have to, but because we seek to understand it, why the passages were written, and what they were referring to. Honestly, I can't understand why God would hate someone for who they love? I mean, shouldn't He be hating more on the people (regardless of who their partner is) that cheat on their partner, lie to them, abuse them, and divorce them? Which do you think is morally right or morally wrong: two men that have loved and been with each other for 20 years, or a man and woman that met each other drunkenly one night, decide to get married, then divorce after four months? Seriously!

Personally, I don't understand it. I can't understand it. I can't understand why a person can hate someone they have never met and don't know about. I can't understand what is wrong with love. But hey, that's just me. Is there really anything wrong with being yourself?

Of Others and Leaders

Let's say you had the biggest secret in the world, something so dark that everybody would freak out if you told them, even to the point of killing you. Problem is, this secret is already killing you, and the longer you hold it, the more you die.

Basically, this is the dilemma that almost every LGBTIQA person faces. It's hard to tell people who we really are, but just as hard to live the lie that they want us to. And unfortunately for many, even after they come out and start transition, some never finish, even turning back, due to peer pressures (mainly from people close to them). What really saddened me is, when I'm scrolling through a group on Facebook (for trans* teens), I saw this one post. The person who posted it was saying that they wanted to just detransition (reverse the process of transition), and go back to how things were, so they could hang out with their new friends, and do drugs and be happy.

Detransitioning is NOT the route to happiness, even if it means being with your friends! Trying to please others is not what you should be doing; try to please yourself instead. What do YOU really want? And besides, if you come out to people, start to transition in front of their eyes, then stop, that's as good as saying it was a "phase", which I really doubt it ever was for anyone in the LGBTQIA community. Granted, I've experimented with my sexuality, but that wasn't a phase, more like a questioning.

And second, drugs mess you up! Anyone out there that uses drugs or alcohol to cope with not being accepted is only making things worse. Skipping the whole "drugs kill" talk, they take a toll on you emotionally. And drugs and booze only hold you back, preventing you from bettering yourself. It's bad enough keeping yourself a secret, but destroying yourself because of it?

I know how hard it is in the closet. It's so dark, sometimes it seems like the door is locked, and you just want to huddle in the darkest corner, keeping to yourself. But you know what? You have the key that unlocks the door to being you. Only you can open that door. Even though the light on the other side may blind you, and you might blind several others (yeah, I know, bad analogy...), just stay strong, and walk out of that closet with purpose. And yes, sometime's it is a lot better to just crack the door open slowly and carefully (that's how I've done it, mostly), sometimes you need to just fling it open and be proud of yourself. Yeah, yeah, some motivational speech. And yes, most people aren't accepting of anything they define as "different", and will give you a hard time... But so what? Just leave them behind you! Even though I've only dealt with regular harassment/teasing in middle school, I managed to stay pretty upbeat and happy about myself. I didn't care what others thought of me, I was going to be me!... Granted, all this is before I started questioning my gender and sexuality, but be that as it may...

On and ending note, I remember a video and slideshow that I saw in my US History class today. It talked about leadership, and what makes a good leader. Leaders are not defined just by their actions and who they are (an actor who starred in a great movie, the quarterback for a pro football team...), but how they became who they are and did what they did. If they cheated to get to the top, then what are they worth? Between one student who cheats in school to get a 4.0, and a student who works his ass of to get a 3.3 average... Who do you think deserves what grade? More that likely, the cheater will end up at a dead end job, not making much, not doing much, while the hard worker will be promoted over the other person's head. Just because someone does something big doesn't make them a great person. It just means they did something big.

Leaders aren't born. They are made. Be a leader. Choose your own path, and forge ahead. Others will follow.

Tuesdays

Happy Tuesday everyone! And what a day it is!

Today, I finally had my severely ingrown toenail taken care of!! What happened was that the doc took out the sides of the nail, trimmed it a bit, then put some mild acids into the base of the nail where the cut pieces used to be, to prevent them from ever growing back in, thus taking care of the possibility of future ingrown nails. Which is what happened last year; I got the nail completely removed, then, when it grew back in, it became even more ingrown. What I find so funny/cool is that the stuff they used to numb up my toe so I wouldn't feel anything made the skin bulge, looking as though the joint was swollen. The best part? It worked REALLY well; I didn't feel a thing, only some slight pressure (i.e. no pain). Well, for the time being, I just have to take some antibiotics, and soak my toe in some salted water (Epsom salts, or something) at least once a day.

Anyways, enough about today. Let's talk about yesterday and Sunday! Well, really I'm going to talk about Sunday, because NOTHING happened yesterday, both at school and at home. Granted, more and more people say that I look like a girl (and they thought I was) from behind. Actually, funny story from today, about that same thing. Walking to the school building from the bus drop-off, one of my friends was walking behind me. And he was thinking to himself that with my long hair and skinny jeans (guy skinny jeans, still), that I looked exactly like a girl. Until he noticed my jacket, which I believe I am the only one at my school that wears it. He was wondering who would be my twin (it was Twin Day of the Spirit week - you and a buddy dress up in almost the exact same stuff), until he realized that I was a guy (or so he knew). He told me about it soon after, and I almost told him that I was trans. Good thing I stopped myself, I guess.

On to Sunday!

Mostly the same old thing. Mostly. Me, mom, and sis went to our church in Federal Way (I drove!), where I got to see and talk to one of my friends who I am out to. She plans to later doll me up and make me look like a biological girl, and I've also enlisted her help in bringing to life a film (well, the script, anyways) that I have been working on, which I also brainstormed with her when I first had the idea. Afterward, all four of us (me, mom, sis, and friend) decided to go on a little shopping trip to the new Plato's Closet in Tacoma, where I had a great time! Granted, I only got, like, two outfits and a jacket, but for as cheap as they were, and as good as they were? I think it was a pretty good shopping experience. Even had some help choosing outfits, thanks to my friend, and occasionally, my mom and sis. Eventually ended up getting a nice pair of dark skinny jeans, a nice skirt, two shirts (a purple v-neck, and a loose fitting blue and white striped shirt), and a nice, soft, fuzzy, comfortable (etc.) green hoodie. Just wish we could have stayed there longer...

Ah well, that's basically how my week has gone so far. Aside from some more script writing, film editing, and generic homework, nothing much has really happened. Wonder what tomorrow will bring...

Twist and Shout

You know how I usually post something about an event or happening in my life? Well, not today. Which may or may not have anything to do with the fact that nothing is going on right now. Anyways, I am going to use this post to rant about a couple issues that I find rant-worthy. And rant I shall.

To start with, why is everyone concerned about gay marriage? And I mean both the straight community and the LGBT community. I mean, why isn't it already legal?... And there I go. I hate how everyone keeps saying to legalize gay marriage. How can you legalize it if it isn't illegal? I mean, is it illegal anywhere in the United States of America? Why should the government decide who can marry and how, huh? Besides, why does everyone else (most straight people) care who marries who? Nobody made a really big deal of THEIR weddings, even IF they only lasted for less than 100 days (okay, well that kinda stuff does draw media attention, but people just overlook that as typical behavior for some people). I mean, straight people (well, the bigots, anyways) are saying that gay marriage will destroy the tradition/sanctity of marriage. Well, considering how THEY abuse heterosexual relationships and marriages, I don't think that we can do any worse than them. Besides, the US has ended a ton of "traditions", including slavery, and women lacking rights (no voting, no jobs, etc.). Seriously, America!

And why do people dislike difference? Difference is what got us to where we are, out of the stone age! I mean, why does society have to be all about conformity? Hell, EVERYONE is different, they just try to appear like what society tells us is "average" or "normal", and learn to conceal their real self. I mean, that's what almost everyone in the LGBTQQ community does for a portion of their lives, sometimes longer than others. People told Einstein he would be a failure in life, and look what happened to him? Ugh, and so many people have told me that I will do great things in my life... I don't want to let them down, but... I honestly don't really know what I'm going to do after high school, besides continue with my transition. Film school and such, and the film industry, are where I have my sights set, but I can't see the path to get there. It's like the destination is in sight, but the road is hidden, and you just have to find it. And I can't find much these days. I can't even really find the enthusiasm that I felt earlier this month, when I learned I could start hormones next month. I just can't feel that happy right now. It's... Depressing... And I don't know what the bright side of anything is any more.....

Working with the School, Part 1

Today, my mom, and an advocate went and talked to the principal of my high school, as well as the guidance counselor, about my coming out later in the school year. Well, their reaction was better than anyone could have hoped for: whole-hearted, enthusiastic support. Definitely the best-case scenario. So good, in fact, that they are bringing in an educator, so that all the teachers/staff at the high school (possibly the whole district) know how to deal with a trans* student (like me!). So, around my birthday (when I start Estrogen!!), the training seminar will commence.

About the time winter break ends is probably when I will come out to the school, quite possibly the day everyone gets back. More than likely, I will write a letter that the teachers I have this year will read to my classes on that day, and I will be gone (hopefully be able to arrange it), possibly shopping. So, basically, I get to start the new year as Jennifer! though I haven't started the letter thingy yet, I'm probably going to basically state my situation and what I plan to do, in a way that the average high schooler will understand it (easier said than done). Granted, I am getting some advice to come out to some of the students before the big reveal, but... I'm not really comfortable with that, and I'm gonna go with what my gut says. Even better, I guess, is that we (me and mom) are going to see my psych pretty soon, as a sort of catching-up meeting, and asking for some advice.

Even better than all this (well, not all of it...) is that I can get my picture retaken for the yearbook!! i.e. the yearbook will have a picture of my female face, and my female name by it's side (as well as a new school ID card)!!!!

Well, I may seem pretty excited right now (believe me, I felt like I've been walking on cloud after cloud this past couple of weeks), but I am dead tired. I'm typing this up at 10:15 at night or so, on a Friday, after having company over for dinner. And believe me, my bed and I are going to, um... Well, let's just say we haven't seen each other in a while, and I need some cuddling (yeah, I know, terrible analogy, but hey, I'm exhausted, give me a break!). So... Good night, I guess. Zzzzz....

Making the Dough

In past posts, I've talked briefly about my interest in filming, and most things associated with it (editing, directing, acting, writing...). Well, I have found a way to showcase my talents. Granted, it will take a lot more output of talent, and much better film making than I have ever done, but I could do pretty well. Basically, it involves making a really good film and showing it to a lot of people.

There are several film festivals coming up in this area that i plan to be a part of, one of which is very local: the Enumclaw High School Video Productions Film Festival. This is where all the good films made this school year in the video productions class get showcased to the rest of the town. Last year, in the beginners class, one of mine almost made it in. Problem was, we disrupted too many classes...

Now, I know this may seem pretty ambitious for a young transsexual who has a limited knowledge in the fine art of film making, but believe you me, I make up for lack of knowledge and experience with extreme enthusiasm.

The other film fests are hosted in Seattle, in April and May of 2013 (well, all three are in 2013). The first is the Northwest High School Film Festival, held in May, open to all high schoolers in the northwest (well, any that are in a video productions class), particularly for good films. The other is the National Film Festival for Talented Youth, held in April, to anyone who directed a film while 22 or younger (there was an entry from a 7 year old one year!). Keep in mind, these are films from all over the country, and many international films! Last year, there were over 200 films, from 30 states in the USA, and from 20 other countries! This festival is a pretty big deal for young film makers. It introduces them to other young film makers, as well as a variety of job and education opportunities, including film and acting school. Which may be my ticket out of this town.

Currently, the script that I'm working on (which is mainly a horror film) is kind of lacking. It's only about 20 minutes or so, and has almost zero character development. It does have a plot and story, but not as much as I would like.
What this film is about is, basically, an April fools joke gone horribly wrong. A group of four friends decides to explore a haunted house, only to get trapped in it. They then learn the dark secret of the house's past: it used to belong to a serial killer, who killed people in his house. As they wander through it trying to find a way out, bad things start to happen. One of the friends disappears. The rest of them call the cops, of which one of them arrives soon after. He becomes trapped in the house too, and is soon killed by the serial killer, who is supposedly dead. This freaks the rest of the group out. They try to escape the killer, but not before another of the friends is killed. Finally, the two remaining friends find a way out: through a broken wall. The problem is, the killer beat them to it. Before he even tries to kill them, they order he reveal himself. Turns out the killer was their friend in disguise, the one who went missing first. He reveals it was all an April fools joke (possibly to get back at the characters?). Except that he didn't kill the cop and the other friend, nor did they hide or whatever. The serial killer is real, and he kills the rest of the group won't show it due to the gore, I guess).

I know I need to develop it more, and I know where to start and what to do, but... I just need some quality ideas! Now, I could just wait a couple hours or whatever for inspiration (my best ideas come to me while I lie awake in bed at night), or you guys could help me out.

Speaking of helping out, I need some more ideas for films in general. So far I've got a (supernatural) love story (magic, cursed, superpowered...), and something about what it's like being Trans* (documentary, or "based on a true story"). But I could definitely use some better ideas, if not some add-ons to these ideas.

Finding Out

Well, my plan still holds to come out to the school sometime in 2013, near the beginning of the year (January/February). But, for some, it won't be much of a surprise.

Apparently, several students at my high school have seen my Facebook profile (so I'm told), and have put two and two together. I think many have even told their families, friends, etcetera. I was told all this by my mom, just this afternoon. And you know the kicker?

I don't care that they know. And it seems they don't either.

I mean, I didn't really expect this kind of thing to happen, but what the heck. People are gonna find out sooner or later, if I have anything to say about it.

On a slightly unrelated note...

A couple months after starting spiro, I started noticing some very slight breast growth under one of my nipples. I was excited, and I still am, but it was only growing under one nipple. Well, now its growing under both. And, to match it, the pain I experience when lying on my stomach on a hardwood floor has been doubled. One of the things I wasn't expecting at first and am not really looking forward to. But, if the end result is as good as they say, I suppose it's worth it. And considering it's going to speed up a bit after my birthday... Looks like I'm in for a "fun" time. LOL. Here I am bitching about how much physical pain I'm in and will be in soon, and I should be worried about my emotions and grades and such in a few months, when I come out. Isn't it funny how things can turn out?

Dreams

Ugh... Waking up at four in the morning after a nightmare is NOT fun. Especially when said nightmare involved your own father putting two large bullets into your families favorite dogs' head. The worst part: he loves that dog as much as the rest of us.

Anyways, nightmares aside, at least I get to watch the sunrise. And think about where I can film a movie this weekend; we were supposed to have all the footage for our fist film yesterday, but, of course, I didn't. Still haven't even filmed one shot, let alone a scene. Granted, the film I'm planning is a short sketch comedy, but it still takes a little while to film.

I feel like I'm rambling, but I really don't have much to talk about, and I do NOT want to talk about that nightmare... I don't really know where this post was going, but I know it didn't get there. I could blame the fact that I'm getting over the shock of such a horrible nightmare. Or I could say it's because I woke up at a time that I'm not used to. Or perhaps my nose woke me; my nose has been both clogged and running on and off for the past week. Maybe all of the above. Maybe not. the point is, I am now wide awake, scared, and very hungry. Didn't realize it before, but now... I need food. Guess I'll just end this post and eat something good that will cheer me up.

Early Birthday Gift

Well, my week was been made infinitely better, so much so that I wore a "Life is Good" shirt that I haven't worn since... Well, It's been so long that I forget when I last wore it. My life hasn't really been good for a while. For obvious reasons...

Anyways.

Last night, while sitting at the computer, I overheard my parents talking, and I'm pretty sure it was about me, because I kept hearing my dad using my male name, and my mom using my female name. So, there I sat, quietly clicking and typing, trying my best to eavesdrop. Well, I didn't do well. But, later, my mom came into the room I was in, and gave me some of the best news I've heard in a long time. She told me that, while my dad isn't any more accepting than he has been, and even though he doesn't agree to me taking Estrogen, he doesn't disagree to it. So, to recap, I can finally take Estrogen!!! Granted, I'm not starting until my birthday, but what a hell of a birthday present! Even better, starting on my birthday (mid-October), my parents will both start using female pronouns and my female name at home (well, my mom will, and I think my dad might try). And, to top off the birthday awesomeness, my mom is taking me bra shopping!! What a great way to spend my 16th birthday =D  I love you mom! And, dare I say it, but I love my dad too!

Life is finally Good :)

Running Away

Well, today I ran away. Kind of. Granted, I didn't get far, since my dad caught up with me about two miles from our house. So, we talked for, like, an hour or so, when my mom came down too. After a couple minutes, I finally got in her car, and went home. but not before going to a local produce store for some food. Basically, over the last two years, since I came out, my dad had been acting like it was all a joke, a phase. Which isn't really understandable, considering we learn at an early age the differences in gender presentation and gender roles, and, when it's "decided" (for lack of a better word) what gender you really are, you know for certain who and what you are. Granted, it usually takes a bit of exploring said gender orientation, but you get there.

Well, my plan for running away wasn't really a plan. I was really just hoping to crash at a friends house for a day or so, while things simmered down, both in me and at home. Well, my parents soon convinced me otherwise. At least my dad and I are almost on the same page, now. Granted, he's stilled opposed to my transition, especially while in high school (he actually requested that I stay male in school till I graduate. The nerve!). Granted, I can understand his reasoning, which is so that I don't get bullied, but, I mean, those experiences will (hopefully) strengthen me, and make me a better person! I mean, in middle school, I was still bouncing around everyone, seemingly carefree, even though I was tormented daily. Once at home, though, I sulked. A lot. I was almost bordering on depression when I finally transferred out of that hell-hole. Well, at least my dad still loves me enough to not want me to go through that again. And he doesn't have much hope that I will make and keep friends once I come out at school. Ha! Considering how many of my friends I've told, and you readers, all of which have been supportive and approving of this new lifestyle... I think I've got enough support to get me through the last year and a half of high school.

Movie Magic

Well, the second week of my Junior year has come and gone, and things are going as well as they can, I guess. And, although we haven't really don't much in history, calc, and english, we've already done a lab or two in chemistry (didn't have to tie my hair back; not yet, anyways). However, the best thing, in my mind, that I did this week was in my video productions class. See, in the beginners class, you get credit just for putting some footage together in a coherent pattern. Well, in the advanced classed, the one I'm in, we actually have to make good movies. REALLY good movies. Which is what I've been working on all this week. Well, at least the scripts for said movies, anyways. The script I'm thinking of is something I started last year, in the beginners class, but never really got around to finishing, until this year. Well, it went from being a 5-10 minute movie into a 15-20 minute movie. And, though the plot didn't really turn out any differently than I really thought it would, I surprised myself: when I showed it to a couple people, they were so surprised at how life-like it was. All the suspense, emotions, etc... Especially when they got to the end. Like in every horror/suspense movie (yes, this movie is going to be a horror/suspense), the ending is always shocking, and I tried to do my best to make it a good ending. Not necessarily happy, just good. Dramatic. Cliffhanging. Granted, I still had some minor corrections to make, I think it turned out great. Now, the trick is just to find a film crew and some actors... I will try to upload the video somewhere on here as soon as it's done, but no guaranties.

Therapy and More

You know, I've been meaning to talk about this subject for a while, but never got around to doing so. As it happens, therapy can be a pretty touchy subject for any trans* person. I know, because it was for me at first. See, the word "therapy" implies that something is wrong with the person, and it needs to be fixed. This is NOT the case for trans* people, expecially if you find a good therapist.There is nothing about being trans* that needs to be fixed or cured or whatever. A therapist is there to help you transition, not make it worse. They can provide many resources for surgery, endocrinologists, support groups, you name it. Not to mention that they are there to help with your emotions. Considering that estrogen and testosterone can turn your emotions as you knew them inside out, as well as the stress of having to keep a secret for so long, you're gonna need some way to let your emotions, joys, and concerns out without hurting yourslef or anybody else. Believe me, I bullied my sister for years, and that was just because I needed an outlet for my own experiences being harrassed in middle school (this is before I even started to question my gender). Imagine how bad it can be if you're harrassed for being yourself when others don't want you to be.

Anyways, it's not really therapy, so much as meeting with someone who can help you on your way to becoming the real you. Almost like seeing a good friend who is always there for you. And really, you shouldn't be seeing a therapist/psychiatrist just so you can get a letter of recomendation. You should be seeing them for help getting to your goal, especially emotional support. Trust me, you are going to need it.

My suggestion for finding a trans* friendly therapist in your area is to look around for therapists, then ask their opinions on the whole LGBTQ and about trans* people. If the response is good, question a little furthur about "treating" (for lack of a better word) trans* people. If this response is also good, then book an appointment! If you get too many bad reactions (I leave this for you to decide what is good and bad), then look for someone else. Therapists these days should be getting more trans* friendly.

On a side note, school is going well for me so far. Well, as well as school can be when you aren't out yet. At least there's a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). And, I guess, Video Club, which is basically about making movies outside of the classroom (Video Produtions), especially this year. I won't say much, but it's the next movie in a series almost as old as the class itself. And I think I will be part of it this year.

Class is in Session

Well, my Junior year of high school started last wednesday, and so far, so good, I guess. Considering things for me can't get too good right now....

Anyways.

Very uneventful first three days of school. VERY uneventful. the only real homework I had was from my AP Calculus class, and it was just a short little review. All the other classes just had you sign their sylabus. Speaking of classes... My schedule for this year (the entire year, unless I change my schedule) is as follows:

1st:  US History
2nd: Advanced Video Productions
3rd: AP Calculus
4th: German 3-4 (second year)
5th: Chemistry
6th: English 5-6 (Junior level)

And, of course, extra-curricular activities, two of which are school clubs: Video Club (gonna make an AWESOME movie this year), and GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). And, maybe, if I'm not out by spring, boys lacrosse. Or, just maybe, girl's lacrosse (I suck at it though). So, I should, by rights, be getting A's in all my classes this year. But, I doubt it. Maybe in a couple, but not all.

Although, I couldn't really complain about some of my classmates. Really, I know a bunch in all of my classes, especially German and AVP. Granted, I have only come out to, like four people in all of my classes combined... Still, by the end of this year, I garuntee everyone will know.

Basically, I am planning to, around the turn of the semester, or slightly later, write a letter to the staff, asking them to read it to their students (every teacher reading it during the same class period). This letter will explain my situation, and hopefully address anything unwanted. Of course, I will arrange to miss that day of school, and of course I can expect to come back to a LOT of questions, though hopefully no harrassment.

Well, aside from all this, and a little chest pain (starting to see the downside to breasts...), nothing has really happened that is worth bloggin about, so... Unti next post!

Tucking

Well, school is right around the corner for me (literally - it starts tomorrow!), and, seeing as I hope to come out later this year, I wanted to talk about something that will greatly help not only myself, but any other trans* girls, or drag queens, that want to pass in public. And, as you might have guessed by the title, it is tucking.

For those that don't know, tucking is when a person basically holds their penis between their legs to appear to have a flatter groin, similar to a biological woman.

Keep in mind, this next part will get kinda graphic, as I am not afraid to talk about body parts and such.

Going into greater detail, tucking involves pushing the testes, not the scrotal skin, up into the body, though it isn't so much into the body, as resting in a shallow alcove, so to speak. Basically, you will want to gently (very gently) push your testes up toward and around your penal shaft. Just above it, you should feel them pop into the shallow alcove. you will obviously want to do this with both testes, and, while doing so, I suggest holding the scrotal skin back a bit, or at least holding the testes in place. Once you have positioned both testicles, pull the loose scrotal skin back towards your buttocks. Tape is recommended, though I don't use it, because it generally involves shaving between your legs. Literally. Next, you will want to push your penis between your legs as well. If it is erect, that is a problem, though I have found that the best and quickest way to make it soft again is to none too gently flick the head of the penis. Once you can bend it again, push it between your legs. Tape is also recommended, though if you do, I suggest wrapping something like toilet paper around the shaft so that it doesn't chafe any more than it should. Lastly, you will want a pair or two of tight fitting women's underwear that does not stretch.

Should anything become un-tucked, I suggest IMMEDIATELY, or as soon as possible, readjusting it. If you go too long only partially tucked, something bad is bound to happen. Also, try not to stay tucked for too long (10-12 hours max, with breaks in between to let things breath), as that will cause constriction and eventual blood loss to the genitals.

As I said, tucking will create the illusion that you have a flat groin, like a woman's, and will help a LOT when you are out in public as your true self (or, for the drag queens, when you are, well, drag-queening, or whatever). I have yet to actually go out in public as such, but that should change in 2013.

Vacation

As you may notice by this post, I am back home from vacation. And what a vacation it was!

Well, our family went to Yellowstone and back, including a day trip to Silverwood Theme Park, in about 8 days (left sunday, got back the following sunday). And I gotta say, I had a great time.

Day 1.
Packed up the last of the stuff in our little camping trailer and Jeep, then started down the hill. By the time we got past our neighbors house, my dad noticed the battery was acting up. And a new transmission was installed a month ago. So, we turned around, got back to our house, shifted everything in the Jeep to our Subaru, attached the trailer, and off we were. We were planning to be out the door by about eight o'clock. We finally left around 8:30.

Day 2.
After sleeping a night at Farragut State Park, My mom, sis, and I went to Silverwood for a couple hours, where we rode the coasters, swam the waves, and generally had a good time. Except that I stored my stuff in a locker, to which I lost the key. Spent about an hour talking to the staff trying to get into my locker. The only other thing that happened, though, was the fear that my breasts (if you can call them that) would be so noticeable at the swim beach area. I mean, I'm pretty skinny (well, relatively speaking), and it would look weird for a skinny guy to have man-boobs. Thankfully, my panic attack was for nought, seeing as I don't even have enough to classify as large-ish pectoral muscles.

Day 3.
We packed up the morning after Silverwood and left fairly early in the morning. I.e. before nine. We finally pulled into the West Yellowstone KOA around... six or seven at night, I think. We had fun setting up our new tent, which we got yesterday, after discovering the door zipper for our other tent was broken.

Day 4 - 6.
Yellowstone National Park was, to say the least, amazing. We went to the Norris Geyser Basin, Upper, Midway, and Lower Geyser Basins, the Mammoth Hot Springs, and a bit more. Basically, we saw a bunch of geysers, hot springs, mud pots, fumaroles, and bison. Lots of bison. Including a family of about seven that crossed the Fishing Bridge (over the Yellowstone River) just to get to the grassy hill on the other side. On the sixth day, we went to Old Faithful, where we saw the geyser erupt about 3 times, and even ate really great food at the restaurant in the Old Faithful Inn. I had quail, my dad had bison pot roast, and my mom had some elk medallions. All of which was delicious.

Day 7.
We packed up early and headed out, intending to camp in a National Forest in eastern Montana. We ended up arriving at a KOA in Spokane at around five in the afternoon, at which we (my sis and I) went swimming in the provided swimming pool. Even better, they were showing the movie "RV" (Robin Williams, Josh Hutcherson, Jeff Daniels...), to which most of our family knew the lines to. However, since we had packed the DVD for it, along with a two-screen DVD player that attaches to the back of the front seat headrests, we didnt watch it. We did that the next day.

Day 8.
Got packed up in record time, and on the road before 8:45 A.M. Around the time we were getting to the Cascade foothills, I put "RV" into the player, and my sis and I watched. With much laughs. We got home around 1:30 in the afternoon, and discovered that our yellow lab puppy had learned to sit on the furnature while we were away.


We also discovered that school starts this coming Wednesday. FML. I need some new shoes and jeans, my schedule, ASB card... the whole nine yards. Why? Well, we missed the orientation days, so now I don't know what to get for my classes. Ah well, at least we get to go and get some of the supplies today or tomorrow. Talk about last minute school shopping...

Well, I will try to update this regularly during the school year. Until next time!

Coming Out

Well, my reasoning for this post was in two parts. First of which being that anyone out there in the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) community that is still in the closet could use a little advice about how to open the door. Secondly, I have just been coming out to a few more of my friends, and I fully intend to come out to several more by my birthday this October.

To start with, coming out of the closet, to ANYONE, can be a very traumatizing, nerve wracking experience, depending on the other person's reaction. I am very fortunate to have only gotten one negative reaction from everyone that I have come out to so far: my dad. I feel even more fortunate that I am part of a religious group that promotes love and acceptance of EVERYONE, no matter their gender, sexual orientation, income, race... You name it, and we more than likely love it. And, believe it or not, we are Christians. I know what you might be thinking, "How can Christians be accepting of gays?" Well, we are a breed of Christian that is rarely seen. We are the United Church of Christ (UCC), one of many branches of the Protestant denomination of Christians. But enough about my religion, let's focus on coming out.

Like I said, coming out can, and usually is, a very difficult and challenging experience. Your best bet, as mine has been, is to come out first to your very best friend, if you know for certain you can trust them, then go from there. My preferred method to telling my friends is texting and IMing on Facebook. I very rarely talked to anyone in person. There are a couple exceptions, including one major one, where I came out to about 70 people at one time (they were all part of the UCC), during an activity called "Spectrum", which I would love to go into great detail about, but that isn't the point of this post. Anyways. The first person I came out to was, ironically, bisexual, and an awesome guy at that. After talking to him about it for a little while, the conversation evolved to what the food at school was like (we were eating lunch at the time, sitting alone at a table outside). From there, I started chatting with people on Facebook, and gradually bringing the topic around to coming out. You get the idea. Well, after Christmas 2011 or so, the "coming out" ground to a halt, which has only recently been started again with someone I've known since starting at this high school.

Like I said, coming out can and will be difficult, challenging, and emotionally stressful, and it is important to do it in a way that will keep your friends around you. I would recommend either one-one-one conversations (doesn't have to be face-to-face), writing a note, e-mail, or letter, or making a video about it (I recommend this as a last resort. I tried it, and it failed. As in, my dad was among the first people to watch it). And if you don't think that someone you know will take it well, either don't tell them, don't associate with them, or, if they are your parents, have a couple friends with you if and when you tell them. If you do tell your parents, I would suggest starting with whichever one you deem to be more accepting, then bring them with you to tell the other.

Other than that, there isn't terribly much else to coming out. Granted, dealing with school and work-places isn't terribly easy, but, seeing as I have had no experience in either, I suggest... Make it up as you go, I guess. Maybe, though (if you are trans*), start by telling your principal or manager that you might or will be transitioning to the opposite sex (won't say gender - you were always whatever gender you identify as) while at your place of work or your school. If you think they will start to argue with you, saying that you can't, or you will be expelled or fired, I suggest bringing an advocate (a trusted person who agrees with your plan of action) and some legalities with you. As far as I know, it is against the law to fire, expel, or even discriminate against a person because of their gender orientation or expression.

I hope you found this useful, whether for your own use, or to help out a friend. Until next time!

Working with Dad

Well, today was pretty uneventful. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, the heat was hot... Basically, your non-typical summer day in the Pacific Northwest. Well, I spent most of that day either indoors sleeping, on the computer, or helping my dad finish building a small trailer, which we will use in our upcoming trip to store all the big stuff that won't fit in our Jeep. Which would have been a great time for some "male" bonding, had we not been so focused on the task at hand. And speaking of bonding, my dad owes me one "I really am supportive, I just don't understand it" talk. Which, I believe, is the cause of a note that I wrote earlier last week. I mentioned it in my first post (I think), but it bears mentioning again. Basically, one night early last week, I was in a state of mind bordering between almost manic sadness (not quite depression yet) and rage. Which was mainly directed out my father. While in this emotional state, I poured my thoughts, anger, and sadness onto a poor scrap of paper. Which including many statements along the lines of "why am I like this?", "why can't I just be a normal girl?", and "what did I do to deserve this?". One question that must have really struck home, when my mom found it and showed it to my dad, was: why does my own father not love me? Well, one can only guess how he felt about that. Unfortunately, I have not had the chance to let him clarify, which I really hope to do before our trip next week. Speaking of which, more than likely, I will not be posting anything until I get back, which should be around the 26th or 27th.

So, until then (or sooner) I will be seeing you!

Driving While on Hormones

Today went relatively well, I would say. Started out by going up to Seattle to see my doc about hormones and such. Thankfully, my potassium levels are back up to normal. The only other side effects of spiro being light-headedness whenever I stand up quickly, which I don't really notice much, and the best of all the side effects: breast tissue growth. Now, I know that I am massaging every night (okay not every - I was too tired to do it last night), but I started noticing some lumps under one of my nipples sometime around late June this year. Well, lumps singular, at first. I gotta say, having it there wasn't (isn't) a particularly pleasurable experience, especially when I bump into something, or someone slaps it (I blame one of my friends for this... they know who they are), or even if I have a seat belt strap across it. Basically, getting boobs like any other girl would during puberty hurts like a bitch.

But enough about that. let's focus on something more important to any teenager: driving.

I have my permit. I can drive very well. Matter of fact, I passed five out of five drive tests from my drivers ed school. BUT I CAN'T DRIVE A STICK!!!! Which is the main reason I didn't get to drive up to and back from Seattle. Unfortunately, our only car available to drive this morning was my mom's Subaru, which has an automatic transmission. And I cannot master how much pressure I need to apply to the clutch and the accelerator as I am coming out of a stopped position and into first gear. Though I think I may have gotten it down, after listening to my parents' lectures.

One thing that I am a bit worried and excited for is when I go for my license this coming January. See, I may or may not be out and about by then, but I know that, eventually, I will have to get my gender, name, etc. changed on my license. Which can be a real hassle, considering how long the lines are at the local DOL. And, even worse, the looks I am bound to get from whoever is behind the counter. Ugh. Which reminds me of something that transpired while I was filling out the paperwork for my learners permit. When I got to the box marked "Sex: M or F". I hesitated for a second or so, which my dad must have taken to be a sign that I wanted to circle the "F". So, he said aloud "Male". I didn't think too much of it at the time, but looking back, I don't really like him much for that.

On that note, I will end this post. Mainly because I still need to do the dishes, I'm tired, in need of a shower, and I still need to massage. Good night, everyone!

Breast Issues

Well,  I think it's time for another post. This one is both for trans* girls and cis girls.

While at a convention the first weekend of this month, called Gender Odyssey, I met several awesome people, one of which was pre-hrt (hormone replacement therapy) with an A cup, or so. And I think she was around B with a padded bra. Now, you are probably wondering how a trans* girl, who isn't taking any hormones, would have breasts without stuffing? It's actually a very simple answer.

See, this girl, and myself now, had been massaging her chest each night for about a half hour. The trick is to massage in a circular motion, using your fingers (Spread them out of bit. For example, press your hand flat on a solid surface, making a 90 degree angle with your arm. Then spread your fingers out. Maintaining that hand position, raise you hand off the table, then curl your fingers slightly inward. This is how you want your fingers to be when massaging). But where, is the better question. Basically, massage the general area of your pectoral muscle (you can see this by pressing your hand down on a solid surface), but in the area of where your breast is or will be (like I said, hetero-normative girls can do this, too, to increase their cup size). This will increase the blood flow to the area, bringing with it all the breast growth regulating hormones (even biological males have these hormones), which will signal to your body to start amassing fat and breast tissues there. After a couple weeks, you will see some growth, and, about a month after you first start massaging, you should expect to see a full increase in cup size. I'm about a week and a half into it, and the skin of my chest is a lot looser than when I started.

By the way, this is a LOT easier, cheaper, and less painful than getting implants or taking synthetic hormones.

Granted, I would advise that any trans* girls out there that decide to do this should do so when they are ready to sport their boobs in public, or at least can hide them. I will be having this problem, because, currently, I am not out at my school (for good reasons), and, even worse, our family is going on vacation next week. To the Yellowstone area. I'll give you a hint: it's gonna be HOT. One thing that will really have me on my toes, though, is one of our stops: Silverwood theme park. Where I had wanted to spend most of the day having fun in the water. Well, if everything goes according to massage, I doubt I will spend much time splashing around. FML. So, basically, I will be going no larger than an A cup for now, if that. mainly because I don't want to be out yet, and I don't want to start binding or whatever. Imagine that: a trans* girl trying to hide her boobs.

And, on that note, I end this post. Until next time!

Hormones and Meds

Well, since today is my five month anniversary of taking spironolactone, I feel the need to make a post about hormone medication. Keep in mind, since i am a trans girl, I will only be talking about the hormones that are taken by trans women.

First of all, this spironolactone I just mentioned, is a mild testosterone blocker, though it is mainly used, for "normal" people, to control blood pressure, and, in women, to control bodily hair growth. As for us trans folk, like I said, it is a mild T blocker, though is used in stopping any new bodily and/or facial hair growth. Which is particularly useful in use teenagers. I might have a full beard by now if it weren't for this stuff. Another T blocker (I think the only other T blocker) is finasteride. It is not as mild as spiro, but I've been on it for close to a month, and haven't noticed any changes yet. Now, for the big hormone: estrogen. Which, as you might have guessed (if you have taken a sex-ed class) is the main active hormone in women. Granted, all men have some E too, but nowhere near as much as their counterpart. Along with E, comes yet another: progesterone, which helps with fat distribution, along with breast growth.

These hormones can be taken by mouth, through a skin patch, or injected, and are generally used by a trans woman who decides that she must take hormones to transition and pass better. Currently, I am only on spiro and finasteride, mainly due to the fact that, to start E and such while under 18, you need parental consent from BOTH parents. Which I am having trouble with. But that's an entirely different post. In the meantime, I guess I will just have to do without, and try to live my life happily ever after. Well, until next post, I will be seeing you later!

Story of my Life

To start off, I want to make some things very clear. I am different. VERY different. How different, exactly? Well, I am what is called a transgender individual. More specifically, I am transsexual. Now, I could discuss in great detail what this is and what it means, but I would rather not explain everything. Google it.

Basically, I was born male. I present as male. Etcetera. But I do not identify as being male. I feel out of place in my body. Why? Because my brain is telling me that I do not belong in a male body, but a female body. And, only recently, have I started to listen to it. See, for the first eight or so years of my life, I was  living a happy and carefree life as a little boy. Around age nine, things changed. I would lie awake at night, staring at the ceiling, wishing that I was a girl. That I had a female body (and an attractive one, at that). At the time, I thought nothing of it. A couple years later, though, I was allowed to stay at home by myself. That's when I started getting into my sister and mothers closets. Yes, I started cross dressing. Or, so I thought. When I realized that a boy wearing a dress was socially unacceptable, I stopped. Well, that didn't last too long. Around age eleven, I started eyeing those wardrobes again. Soon after, I found myself trying things on. And, around the time I turned 13, it finally hit me. One day, I was strutting around in front of a mirror with one of my moms' dresses, a nice, black, velvet one. As I turned toward the mirror one time, I finally realized that I was wearing these things because it made me feel good. They made me feel whole. But, of course, I hid that for a couple years. Then, sometime in 9th grade, I took a sex-ed class put on by my church, called "Our Whole Lives". Okay, it was a bit more than sex ed, but we learned a great deal about safe sex and healthy relationships. Not just heterosexual relationships, though. We learned the whole spectrum: straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, even a bit about asexual. One of the last things we talked about, though, was Transgender. Even as the word itself was said, I felt something click. Later on, when we discussed in more depth what being transgender was, everything fell into place. It was kind of like fitting that last puzzle piece into place, only, somehow, more. At last, I had figured out what I was. But guess what I did with this information? Yep, I hid that as well. For another couple months, though. One day at lunch, I had finally had enough. I decided I would tell someone. And who better than the guy sitting across from me, who just happened to be bisexual? Well, I told him, flat out, who I really was. After a couple of minutes, he said that he was proud that I had the courage to come out, and that he would be supportive of my new lifestyle. Soon after, I sat down at my computer, opened up my Facebook account, and starting IMing people that I trusted, slowly coming out to my friends. At around the seventh person, I decided I would make a video log about my coming out. Big mistake on my part. after uploading the video, my sister and father got home. And, seeing as my sis and I share a computer, she found the video. I had forgotten to close the window. Well, she showed it to my dad, who in turn showed it to my mom, after demanding that I take it off the internet. That night, my mom and I stayed up pretty late, talking. She ended up going through a whole box of tissues. This happened sometime in April, I think.

Fast forward a couple months to summer. I had successfully come out to something like 15 people by then, all of whom were, and are, super supportive of me. And it was time for the annual summer camps. One camp in particular, though, had me pretty excited. See, I go to a church camp every summer and winter. Granted, we don't really do too much in the way of being or doing churchy stuff. At this camp, all we did was love each other, learn valuable life lessons, and have a great time. And yes, we are Christians, though not any particular denomination that is well known. We are a part of the United Church of Christ (UCC), which has a history of being very open and affirming of the LGBT community. But enough about the church, let's skip to the good part. About midweek, during an activity called Spectrum, I cam out to everyone present, which totaled about 70 people. And received thunderous applause for it. So, for the rest of the week, everyone loved me near to death, saying how courageous I was for coming out, and that they would be there for me, etcetera. When I finally did get back from camp, I experienced culture shock. I was unused to not being in a loving environment.

All this was going on while I was in therapy (hate that word - makes it sound like something is wrong with me that needs to be corrected...). Around the start of my sophomore year, I was done with seeing one counselor, only to be recommended to another, to verify that I was, indeed, transgender. A couple months and sessions with her later, everything was verified. I was transgender, and in need of transition. Well, my dad didn't like that idea very much. only a few days ago did he come around. So, i started taking medication. barely. I started on mild testosterone blockers, which haven't been terribly effective as of yet, all the while with my dad thinking it was a phase, and that I would come around sooner or later. Well, my mom sided with me. She was the one taking me to all my appointments, and we even started going shopping.

Now, here I am, almost a Junior in high school in possibly the best place to be transgender. NOT. Yeah, I live in a fairly rural town, population rednecks. I'm surrounded by cows, most of which walk on two legs and can speak somewhat intelligibly. I'm only out to a few people in town, though things will probably change this coming school year. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it.