Friday, August 31, 2012

Class is in Session

Well, my Junior year of high school started last wednesday, and so far, so good, I guess. Considering things for me can't get too good right now....

Anyways.

Very uneventful first three days of school. VERY uneventful. the only real homework I had was from my AP Calculus class, and it was just a short little review. All the other classes just had you sign their sylabus. Speaking of classes... My schedule for this year (the entire year, unless I change my schedule) is as follows:

1st:  US History
2nd: Advanced Video Productions
3rd: AP Calculus
4th: German 3-4 (second year)
5th: Chemistry
6th: English 5-6 (Junior level)

And, of course, extra-curricular activities, two of which are school clubs: Video Club (gonna make an AWESOME movie this year), and GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). And, maybe, if I'm not out by spring, boys lacrosse. Or, just maybe, girl's lacrosse (I suck at it though). So, I should, by rights, be getting A's in all my classes this year. But, I doubt it. Maybe in a couple, but not all.

Although, I couldn't really complain about some of my classmates. Really, I know a bunch in all of my classes, especially German and AVP. Granted, I have only come out to, like four people in all of my classes combined... Still, by the end of this year, I garuntee everyone will know.

Basically, I am planning to, around the turn of the semester, or slightly later, write a letter to the staff, asking them to read it to their students (every teacher reading it during the same class period). This letter will explain my situation, and hopefully address anything unwanted. Of course, I will arrange to miss that day of school, and of course I can expect to come back to a LOT of questions, though hopefully no harrassment.

Well, aside from all this, and a little chest pain (starting to see the downside to breasts...), nothing has really happened that is worth bloggin about, so... Unti next post!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Tucking

Well, school is right around the corner for me (literally - it starts tomorrow!), and, seeing as I hope to come out later this year, I wanted to talk about something that will greatly help not only myself, but any other trans* girls, or drag queens, that want to pass in public. And, as you might have guessed by the title, it is tucking.

For those that don't know, tucking is when a person basically holds their penis between their legs to appear to have a flatter groin, similar to a biological woman.

Keep in mind, this next part will get kinda graphic, as I am not afraid to talk about body parts and such.

Going into greater detail, tucking involves pushing the testes, not the scrotal skin, up into the body, though it isn't so much into the body, as resting in a shallow alcove, so to speak. Basically, you will want to gently (very gently) push your testes up toward and around your penal shaft. Just above it, you should feel them pop into the shallow alcove. you will obviously want to do this with both testes, and, while doing so, I suggest holding the scrotal skin back a bit, or at least holding the testes in place. Once you have positioned both testicles, pull the loose scrotal skin back towards your buttocks. Tape is recommended, though I don't use it, because it generally involves shaving between your legs. Literally. Next, you will want to push your penis between your legs as well. If it is erect, that is a problem, though I have found that the best and quickest way to make it soft again is to none too gently flick the head of the penis. Once you can bend it again, push it between your legs. Tape is also recommended, though if you do, I suggest wrapping something like toilet paper around the shaft so that it doesn't chafe any more than it should. Lastly, you will want a pair or two of tight fitting women's underwear that does not stretch.

Should anything become un-tucked, I suggest IMMEDIATELY, or as soon as possible, readjusting it. If you go too long only partially tucked, something bad is bound to happen. Also, try not to stay tucked for too long (10-12 hours max, with breaks in between to let things breath), as that will cause constriction and eventual blood loss to the genitals.

As I said, tucking will create the illusion that you have a flat groin, like a woman's, and will help a LOT when you are out in public as your true self (or, for the drag queens, when you are, well, drag-queening, or whatever). I have yet to actually go out in public as such, but that should change in 2013.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Vacation

As you may notice by this post, I am back home from vacation. And what a vacation it was!

Well, our family went to Yellowstone and back, including a day trip to Silverwood Theme Park, in about 8 days (left sunday, got back the following sunday). And I gotta say, I had a great time.

Day 1.
Packed up the last of the stuff in our little camping trailer and Jeep, then started down the hill. By the time we got past our neighbors house, my dad noticed the battery was acting up. And a new transmission was installed a month ago. So, we turned around, got back to our house, shifted everything in the Jeep to our Subaru, attached the trailer, and off we were. We were planning to be out the door by about eight o'clock. We finally left around 8:30.

Day 2.
After sleeping a night at Farragut State Park, My mom, sis, and I went to Silverwood for a couple hours, where we rode the coasters, swam the waves, and generally had a good time. Except that I stored my stuff in a locker, to which I lost the key. Spent about an hour talking to the staff trying to get into my locker. The only other thing that happened, though, was the fear that my breasts (if you can call them that) would be so noticeable at the swim beach area. I mean, I'm pretty skinny (well, relatively speaking), and it would look weird for a skinny guy to have man-boobs. Thankfully, my panic attack was for nought, seeing as I don't even have enough to classify as large-ish pectoral muscles.

Day 3.
We packed up the morning after Silverwood and left fairly early in the morning. I.e. before nine. We finally pulled into the West Yellowstone KOA around... six or seven at night, I think. We had fun setting up our new tent, which we got yesterday, after discovering the door zipper for our other tent was broken.

Day 4 - 6.
Yellowstone National Park was, to say the least, amazing. We went to the Norris Geyser Basin, Upper, Midway, and Lower Geyser Basins, the Mammoth Hot Springs, and a bit more. Basically, we saw a bunch of geysers, hot springs, mud pots, fumaroles, and bison. Lots of bison. Including a family of about seven that crossed the Fishing Bridge (over the Yellowstone River) just to get to the grassy hill on the other side. On the sixth day, we went to Old Faithful, where we saw the geyser erupt about 3 times, and even ate really great food at the restaurant in the Old Faithful Inn. I had quail, my dad had bison pot roast, and my mom had some elk medallions. All of which was delicious.

Day 7.
We packed up early and headed out, intending to camp in a National Forest in eastern Montana. We ended up arriving at a KOA in Spokane at around five in the afternoon, at which we (my sis and I) went swimming in the provided swimming pool. Even better, they were showing the movie "RV" (Robin Williams, Josh Hutcherson, Jeff Daniels...), to which most of our family knew the lines to. However, since we had packed the DVD for it, along with a two-screen DVD player that attaches to the back of the front seat headrests, we didnt watch it. We did that the next day.

Day 8.
Got packed up in record time, and on the road before 8:45 A.M. Around the time we were getting to the Cascade foothills, I put "RV" into the player, and my sis and I watched. With much laughs. We got home around 1:30 in the afternoon, and discovered that our yellow lab puppy had learned to sit on the furnature while we were away.


We also discovered that school starts this coming Wednesday. FML. I need some new shoes and jeans, my schedule, ASB card... the whole nine yards. Why? Well, we missed the orientation days, so now I don't know what to get for my classes. Ah well, at least we get to go and get some of the supplies today or tomorrow. Talk about last minute school shopping...

Well, I will try to update this regularly during the school year. Until next time!

Friday, August 17, 2012

Coming Out

Well, my reasoning for this post was in two parts. First of which being that anyone out there in the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) community that is still in the closet could use a little advice about how to open the door. Secondly, I have just been coming out to a few more of my friends, and I fully intend to come out to several more by my birthday this October.

To start with, coming out of the closet, to ANYONE, can be a very traumatizing, nerve wracking experience, depending on the other person's reaction. I am very fortunate to have only gotten one negative reaction from everyone that I have come out to so far: my dad. I feel even more fortunate that I am part of a religious group that promotes love and acceptance of EVERYONE, no matter their gender, sexual orientation, income, race... You name it, and we more than likely love it. And, believe it or not, we are Christians. I know what you might be thinking, "How can Christians be accepting of gays?" Well, we are a breed of Christian that is rarely seen. We are the United Church of Christ (UCC), one of many branches of the Protestant denomination of Christians. But enough about my religion, let's focus on coming out.

Like I said, coming out can, and usually is, a very difficult and challenging experience. Your best bet, as mine has been, is to come out first to your very best friend, if you know for certain you can trust them, then go from there. My preferred method to telling my friends is texting and IMing on Facebook. I very rarely talked to anyone in person. There are a couple exceptions, including one major one, where I came out to about 70 people at one time (they were all part of the UCC), during an activity called "Spectrum", which I would love to go into great detail about, but that isn't the point of this post. Anyways. The first person I came out to was, ironically, bisexual, and an awesome guy at that. After talking to him about it for a little while, the conversation evolved to what the food at school was like (we were eating lunch at the time, sitting alone at a table outside). From there, I started chatting with people on Facebook, and gradually bringing the topic around to coming out. You get the idea. Well, after Christmas 2011 or so, the "coming out" ground to a halt, which has only recently been started again with someone I've known since starting at this high school.

Like I said, coming out can and will be difficult, challenging, and emotionally stressful, and it is important to do it in a way that will keep your friends around you. I would recommend either one-one-one conversations (doesn't have to be face-to-face), writing a note, e-mail, or letter, or making a video about it (I recommend this as a last resort. I tried it, and it failed. As in, my dad was among the first people to watch it). And if you don't think that someone you know will take it well, either don't tell them, don't associate with them, or, if they are your parents, have a couple friends with you if and when you tell them. If you do tell your parents, I would suggest starting with whichever one you deem to be more accepting, then bring them with you to tell the other.

Other than that, there isn't terribly much else to coming out. Granted, dealing with school and work-places isn't terribly easy, but, seeing as I have had no experience in either, I suggest... Make it up as you go, I guess. Maybe, though (if you are trans*), start by telling your principal or manager that you might or will be transitioning to the opposite sex (won't say gender - you were always whatever gender you identify as) while at your place of work or your school. If you think they will start to argue with you, saying that you can't, or you will be expelled or fired, I suggest bringing an advocate (a trusted person who agrees with your plan of action) and some legalities with you. As far as I know, it is against the law to fire, expel, or even discriminate against a person because of their gender orientation or expression.

I hope you found this useful, whether for your own use, or to help out a friend. Until next time!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Working with Dad

Well, today was pretty uneventful. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, the heat was hot... Basically, your non-typical summer day in the Pacific Northwest. Well, I spent most of that day either indoors sleeping, on the computer, or helping my dad finish building a small trailer, which we will use in our upcoming trip to store all the big stuff that won't fit in our Jeep. Which would have been a great time for some "male" bonding, had we not been so focused on the task at hand. And speaking of bonding, my dad owes me one "I really am supportive, I just don't understand it" talk. Which, I believe, is the cause of a note that I wrote earlier last week. I mentioned it in my first post (I think), but it bears mentioning again. Basically, one night early last week, I was in a state of mind bordering between almost manic sadness (not quite depression yet) and rage. Which was mainly directed out my father. While in this emotional state, I poured my thoughts, anger, and sadness onto a poor scrap of paper. Which including many statements along the lines of "why am I like this?", "why can't I just be a normal girl?", and "what did I do to deserve this?". One question that must have really struck home, when my mom found it and showed it to my dad, was: why does my own father not love me? Well, one can only guess how he felt about that. Unfortunately, I have not had the chance to let him clarify, which I really hope to do before our trip next week. Speaking of which, more than likely, I will not be posting anything until I get back, which should be around the 26th or 27th.

So, until then (or sooner) I will be seeing you!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Driving While on Hormones

Today went relatively well, I would say. Started out by going up to Seattle to see my doc about hormones and such. Thankfully, my potassium levels are back up to normal. The only other side effects of spiro being light-headedness whenever I stand up quickly, which I don't really notice much, and the best of all the side effects: breast tissue growth. Now, I know that I am massaging every night (okay not every - I was too tired to do it last night), but I started noticing some lumps under one of my nipples sometime around late June this year. Well, lumps singular, at first. I gotta say, having it there wasn't (isn't) a particularly pleasurable experience, especially when I bump into something, or someone slaps it (I blame one of my friends for this... they know who they are), or even if I have a seat belt strap across it. Basically, getting boobs like any other girl would during puberty hurts like a bitch.

But enough about that. let's focus on something more important to any teenager: driving.

I have my permit. I can drive very well. Matter of fact, I passed five out of five drive tests from my drivers ed school. BUT I CAN'T DRIVE A STICK!!!! Which is the main reason I didn't get to drive up to and back from Seattle. Unfortunately, our only car available to drive this morning was my mom's Subaru, which has an automatic transmission. And I cannot master how much pressure I need to apply to the clutch and the accelerator as I am coming out of a stopped position and into first gear. Though I think I may have gotten it down, after listening to my parents' lectures.

One thing that I am a bit worried and excited for is when I go for my license this coming January. See, I may or may not be out and about by then, but I know that, eventually, I will have to get my gender, name, etc. changed on my license. Which can be a real hassle, considering how long the lines are at the local DOL. And, even worse, the looks I am bound to get from whoever is behind the counter. Ugh. Which reminds me of something that transpired while I was filling out the paperwork for my learners permit. When I got to the box marked "Sex: M or F". I hesitated for a second or so, which my dad must have taken to be a sign that I wanted to circle the "F". So, he said aloud "Male". I didn't think too much of it at the time, but looking back, I don't really like him much for that.

On that note, I will end this post. Mainly because I still need to do the dishes, I'm tired, in need of a shower, and I still need to massage. Good night, everyone!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Breast Issues

Well,  I think it's time for another post. This one is both for trans* girls and cis girls.

While at a convention the first weekend of this month, called Gender Odyssey, I met several awesome people, one of which was pre-hrt (hormone replacement therapy) with an A cup, or so. And I think she was around B with a padded bra. Now, you are probably wondering how a trans* girl, who isn't taking any hormones, would have breasts without stuffing? It's actually a very simple answer.

See, this girl, and myself now, had been massaging her chest each night for about a half hour. The trick is to massage in a circular motion, using your fingers (Spread them out of bit. For example, press your hand flat on a solid surface, making a 90 degree angle with your arm. Then spread your fingers out. Maintaining that hand position, raise you hand off the table, then curl your fingers slightly inward. This is how you want your fingers to be when massaging). But where, is the better question. Basically, massage the general area of your pectoral muscle (you can see this by pressing your hand down on a solid surface), but in the area of where your breast is or will be (like I said, hetero-normative girls can do this, too, to increase their cup size). This will increase the blood flow to the area, bringing with it all the breast growth regulating hormones (even biological males have these hormones), which will signal to your body to start amassing fat and breast tissues there. After a couple weeks, you will see some growth, and, about a month after you first start massaging, you should expect to see a full increase in cup size. I'm about a week and a half into it, and the skin of my chest is a lot looser than when I started.

By the way, this is a LOT easier, cheaper, and less painful than getting implants or taking synthetic hormones.

Granted, I would advise that any trans* girls out there that decide to do this should do so when they are ready to sport their boobs in public, or at least can hide them. I will be having this problem, because, currently, I am not out at my school (for good reasons), and, even worse, our family is going on vacation next week. To the Yellowstone area. I'll give you a hint: it's gonna be HOT. One thing that will really have me on my toes, though, is one of our stops: Silverwood theme park. Where I had wanted to spend most of the day having fun in the water. Well, if everything goes according to massage, I doubt I will spend much time splashing around. FML. So, basically, I will be going no larger than an A cup for now, if that. mainly because I don't want to be out yet, and I don't want to start binding or whatever. Imagine that: a trans* girl trying to hide her boobs.

And, on that note, I end this post. Until next time!

Hormones and Meds

Well, since today is my five month anniversary of taking spironolactone, I feel the need to make a post about hormone medication. Keep in mind, since i am a trans girl, I will only be talking about the hormones that are taken by trans women.

First of all, this spironolactone I just mentioned, is a mild testosterone blocker, though it is mainly used, for "normal" people, to control blood pressure, and, in women, to control bodily hair growth. As for us trans folk, like I said, it is a mild T blocker, though is used in stopping any new bodily and/or facial hair growth. Which is particularly useful in use teenagers. I might have a full beard by now if it weren't for this stuff. Another T blocker (I think the only other T blocker) is finasteride. It is not as mild as spiro, but I've been on it for close to a month, and haven't noticed any changes yet. Now, for the big hormone: estrogen. Which, as you might have guessed (if you have taken a sex-ed class) is the main active hormone in women. Granted, all men have some E too, but nowhere near as much as their counterpart. Along with E, comes yet another: progesterone, which helps with fat distribution, along with breast growth.

These hormones can be taken by mouth, through a skin patch, or injected, and are generally used by a trans woman who decides that she must take hormones to transition and pass better. Currently, I am only on spiro and finasteride, mainly due to the fact that, to start E and such while under 18, you need parental consent from BOTH parents. Which I am having trouble with. But that's an entirely different post. In the meantime, I guess I will just have to do without, and try to live my life happily ever after. Well, until next post, I will be seeing you later!

Monday, August 13, 2012

Story of my Life

To start off, I want to make some things very clear. I am different. VERY different. How different, exactly? Well, I am what is called a transgender individual. More specifically, I am transsexual. Now, I could discuss in great detail what this is and what it means, but I would rather not explain everything. Google it.

Basically, I was born male. I present as male. Etcetera. But I do not identify as being male. I feel out of place in my body. Why? Because my brain is telling me that I do not belong in a male body, but a female body. And, only recently, have I started to listen to it. See, for the first eight or so years of my life, I was  living a happy and carefree life as a little boy. Around age nine, things changed. I would lie awake at night, staring at the ceiling, wishing that I was a girl. That I had a female body (and an attractive one, at that). At the time, I thought nothing of it. A couple years later, though, I was allowed to stay at home by myself. That's when I started getting into my sister and mothers closets. Yes, I started cross dressing. Or, so I thought. When I realized that a boy wearing a dress was socially unacceptable, I stopped. Well, that didn't last too long. Around age eleven, I started eyeing those wardrobes again. Soon after, I found myself trying things on. And, around the time I turned 13, it finally hit me. One day, I was strutting around in front of a mirror with one of my moms' dresses, a nice, black, velvet one. As I turned toward the mirror one time, I finally realized that I was wearing these things because it made me feel good. They made me feel whole. But, of course, I hid that for a couple years. Then, sometime in 9th grade, I took a sex-ed class put on by my church, called "Our Whole Lives". Okay, it was a bit more than sex ed, but we learned a great deal about safe sex and healthy relationships. Not just heterosexual relationships, though. We learned the whole spectrum: straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, even a bit about asexual. One of the last things we talked about, though, was Transgender. Even as the word itself was said, I felt something click. Later on, when we discussed in more depth what being transgender was, everything fell into place. It was kind of like fitting that last puzzle piece into place, only, somehow, more. At last, I had figured out what I was. But guess what I did with this information? Yep, I hid that as well. For another couple months, though. One day at lunch, I had finally had enough. I decided I would tell someone. And who better than the guy sitting across from me, who just happened to be bisexual? Well, I told him, flat out, who I really was. After a couple of minutes, he said that he was proud that I had the courage to come out, and that he would be supportive of my new lifestyle. Soon after, I sat down at my computer, opened up my Facebook account, and starting IMing people that I trusted, slowly coming out to my friends. At around the seventh person, I decided I would make a video log about my coming out. Big mistake on my part. after uploading the video, my sister and father got home. And, seeing as my sis and I share a computer, she found the video. I had forgotten to close the window. Well, she showed it to my dad, who in turn showed it to my mom, after demanding that I take it off the internet. That night, my mom and I stayed up pretty late, talking. She ended up going through a whole box of tissues. This happened sometime in April, I think.

Fast forward a couple months to summer. I had successfully come out to something like 15 people by then, all of whom were, and are, super supportive of me. And it was time for the annual summer camps. One camp in particular, though, had me pretty excited. See, I go to a church camp every summer and winter. Granted, we don't really do too much in the way of being or doing churchy stuff. At this camp, all we did was love each other, learn valuable life lessons, and have a great time. And yes, we are Christians, though not any particular denomination that is well known. We are a part of the United Church of Christ (UCC), which has a history of being very open and affirming of the LGBT community. But enough about the church, let's skip to the good part. About midweek, during an activity called Spectrum, I cam out to everyone present, which totaled about 70 people. And received thunderous applause for it. So, for the rest of the week, everyone loved me near to death, saying how courageous I was for coming out, and that they would be there for me, etcetera. When I finally did get back from camp, I experienced culture shock. I was unused to not being in a loving environment.

All this was going on while I was in therapy (hate that word - makes it sound like something is wrong with me that needs to be corrected...). Around the start of my sophomore year, I was done with seeing one counselor, only to be recommended to another, to verify that I was, indeed, transgender. A couple months and sessions with her later, everything was verified. I was transgender, and in need of transition. Well, my dad didn't like that idea very much. only a few days ago did he come around. So, i started taking medication. barely. I started on mild testosterone blockers, which haven't been terribly effective as of yet, all the while with my dad thinking it was a phase, and that I would come around sooner or later. Well, my mom sided with me. She was the one taking me to all my appointments, and we even started going shopping.

Now, here I am, almost a Junior in high school in possibly the best place to be transgender. NOT. Yeah, I live in a fairly rural town, population rednecks. I'm surrounded by cows, most of which walk on two legs and can speak somewhat intelligibly. I'm only out to a few people in town, though things will probably change this coming school year. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it.