Monday, January 21, 2013

MLK Jr. weekend (and camp!)

This past weekend has been a blast. There's no other way to say that (okay, maybe there is, I just can't think of anything better at the moment). I had a lot of fun, seeing old friends, and meeting new ones (whom I still have yet to find on Facebook...). Let's face it: camp is awesome. And I am sad to realize that I have less than 20 days left at camp (2 weeks and one weekend are all I have left) until I graduate, and aren't allowed back as a camper (granted, there are young adult retreats, but it won't be the same). That being said, I shall enjoy what is left of my days at the Sr. High camps.

Anyways.

Friday was, to begin with... Boring. I went to school. What else is new. We did some stuff in history, attended an assembly for Martin Luther King, Jr., watched some new video in video productions, learned some math stuff in calculus, some German stuff in German class, chemistry stuff, and some stuff about Huckleberry Finn. The usual. Except for the assembly, obviously. Which was pretty decent, if I may say so myself. Which I will, since I am entitled to my opinions, and am free to express them however I wish. Which would be on the internet.

After school, though, was when things started to get somewhat interesting. Or, should I say, difficult. About an hour after school, I was dropped off at the library in town to work on a project for my chemistry class that was due last year (only a month ago, but hey, it's fun to make these kinds of jokes in January). So, for the next two hours or so, I was sitting in front of a computer working on a Prezi presentation powerpoint thingy. Or, more accurately, I was playing Bloons Tower Defense 5, scrolling through Facebook, and watching some videos on YouTube with a window open to the Prezi document, and a chemistry textbook nearby. I did finish it, though, with about an hours work or so. Or less. Something like that. What matters is that it was done by about five o'clock that afternoon. Shortly after, I was back home, packing various odds and ends (and some clothes, too) into a bag, and taking a nice [short] hot shower (we had been really low on propane for a week or so, so we all had to take very very very short showers, until that Friday afternoon, when it was delivered). Shortly thereafter, we (my dad and I) were out the door, driving down to my mom's office, where they traded me off. Shortly after THAT, I was driving (with my mom in the passenger seat) down 410 towards Port Orchard. If you didn't already know, driving from Enumclaw to Port Orchard is a very, very, very, very long drive. Thankfully, though, we got there around 7:30, which was pretty good time. Really good, in fact.

At camp, I had the chance to reconnect with many of my friends (several of whom said that they were following my Facebook and blog posts), which was something that I really needed. Well, I also needed some chocolate, but they didn't have any, so I settled for the next best thing. Which would be my friends. Shocking, isn't it? I have friends!

I can't really recall everything in detail (or at all) from this past weekend, other than that I had a great time, seeing all my camp friends (you guys are probably getting tired of me talking about how I saw a bunch of my friends), and, well, having a great time. Well, I do remember a certain someone jumping/running into Lake Flora as the parents were arriving (the lake was pretty darn cold, I would imagine). And the various skits that were put on. And the fact that there wasn't any bacon on Saturday morning. Or even sausage patties. However, I think I succeeded rather well in 'fooling' everyone that didn't know me into thinking that I'm cis-gendered (even with my questionable voice). I actually had to explain to one of the counselors that I wasn't involved in an exchange student program (GAPP) because I'm trans, which would be rather awkward if I had a relative stranger staying in my house, and I in theirs...

Coming back home from such a great place isn't very fun. Unless you sleep most of the way back. Then it's okay. But, in all seriousness... It's never pleasant to leave such an awesome place, and such awesome people. Never. I will miss everyone and everything about camp for the next 6 months.

I should finish this up now, before I break down from PCSD (Post-Camp Stress Disorder). *sob*

Monday, January 14, 2013

Confidence is key

Today, my confidence took a bit of a hit. As I was walking down a hallway (in my school, obviously), a boy was walking past me, staring at me (or, more accurately, at my chest), which I wasn't terribly fond of. Anyways, as I walked past him, I heard him say "The fuck?" What's worse is the somewhat confused look he had on his face as I was walking by him. Later, when I was walking back down the hallway, I passed him again. He didn't say anything this time, just... Stared at me/my boobs/lack there of. Which is what I believe to be what confused him (I mean, I wear a bra and all - it's about an A cup or so - it's just that I have next to no cleavage). Granted, he could have been confused about something else, but I have a hunch it was me that confused him. Which is surprising, seeing as I am publicly out (I don't think there is anyone at my school that doesn't know already).

I knew that being a girl was hard. I never said I wanted it easy. I never expected it to be easy. I just wanted to be me. And while people say that "it comes with being a girl..." I know. I know it does. I never said I didn't want it to. I'm just saying that I need help. Most girls grow up doing makeup, hair, clothes, et cetera, whereas I am being thrust into it as a teenager.

Basically, I have almost no idea what I'm doing, at the time in my life when people expect me to. All I want is a little (a lot of) help, here and there, until I think I know what I'm doing.

On a slightly different note about my confidence...

I remember, back when I was in elementary and middle school, my teachers would always tell me that I would do great things when I grew up, that I was so smart, etc., etc..... Thing is, though, I have almost never been any good in school. I mean, I enjoy a few classes here and there, and get my work in most of the time in a couple of my classes. It's just that I'm not the kind of smart kid who is great in school. I mean... I feel that I'm not gonna do much in life, but I don't think that I'll fail in school. Maybe do poorly, but not fail completely. While I want to be successful in life, I don't want to do much. I don't really want to impress people. All I want to do is write, edit, and maybe direct [feature length] films.

 I feel like the opposite of these people. I'm smart, and people expect great things from me. But I feel like I'm going to let them down, and I won't do great things, let alone good, or even okay.


Your life is what you make of it.