Okay, good-news-bad-news time.
The good:
School is almost out for the summer, I've only failed one class (2nd semester of English), I'm getting ready for a date with a pretty amazing guy this Saturday, and I recently attended the 2013 EHS Adventure Film Festival, 10th Anniversary.
The bad:
I failed half of my English class, barely passed half of my other classes this semester, none of my films made it into the film fest (though I was an extra in a TON that did), and the guy I'm going on a date with doesn't know that I'm trans (I think).
The pretty detailed:
I just didn't really do any school work this semester, and I've payed for it. Let's face it, my high school career has just been one big joke. I have like a 2.6 cumulative GPA, and this marks the second semester of English that I've failed in the past three years, making it even harder for me to get into college, and also meaning that I have to, essentially, take summer school, otherwise I can't graduate. Because someone, stupidly, made English an essential class, where you have to take and pass 4 years of it to graduate. I would rather be taking a class that will actually help me in the work force, not learning about ancient literature styles. I don't write novels or essays, I write blog posts and screenplays. And, apparently, I'm pretty good at that. As for my dip in grades.... Well, nothing has happened to me that would cause that, other than a total disinterest in school, and the new MTG set, Dragon's Maze, came out a month ago. So I've been pretty involved in Magic for a little while, though that seems to be tapering off. For now. Also, in about 6 days, I will have reached the 8 month anniversary of my starting Estrogen, and, well, let's just say I seriously need to go bra shopping. Actually, I just need to go shopping in general; I have next to nothing in the way of summer wear, and no good formal dress for the formal dinner at the end of the church camp I'm attending in less than 3 weeks. On the plus side, I (hopefully) have a date on Saturday, to get frozen yogurt (and maybe do something else afterward, but that's TBD). But, like I said, he doesn't know that I'm trans, and I honestly have no idea how or when to tell him (though I'm pretty sure it should be face to face). I've talked to several people, and received various responses from various questions. I asked several guys I know what they would do if the girl they'd been dating for several weeks told them that she had been born male, and they ranged from "I wouldn't be bothered, since I love her for who she is" to "I'd go insane." I asked some girls for advice, and got "Text him right now and tell him" to "Go on a few dates, see how much you like each other and trust each other, then tell him face to face, before you do anything remotely sexual." I'm thoroughly confused as to what to do, and we haven't even gone on one date yet. We met at the film fest a week ago, sat next to each other, and basically flirted the whole time (he even bought me popcorn and a drink during the intermission).
Something else I've noticed: since starting Estrogen, I have matured SO MUCH. Whereas people used to look at me as an unsociable jerk, they now see me as a fairly sociable, nice young woman. I guess it's true that women mature faster than men.
On a final note, I am REALLY excited for camp in less than 3 weeks! This will be the first camp that I REALLY get to be myself around the people I know and love (being the first time that I will feel totally comfortable being out), and it will be an awesome week! Plus, I'm probably going to drive myself this year!
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
I have issues
"Whoa! Jennifer's writing another post after only a few days? What's happened to her?!"
I know, I know, shocking, isn't it; me writing again so soon. But I just wanted to vent a little, and maybe explain a few things.
Many years ago, all I really wanted was to wake up one day as a girl. To look like a girl, sound like a girl, be perceived as a girl... More than money, I wanted to be who I didn't know I was on the outside. I never thought of myself as being a girl in a boy's body. I never told my parents that I wanted/needed to be a girl. I felt that that was just something you didn't tell anyone. I mean, how many straight guys tell their friends "Yeah, so, I need to be a girl. Y'all want to go get some lunch?" That just doesn't happen, and that's exactly why I stayed silent for so long; I didn't want to be more of an outcast than I already was in middle school, and I didn't really know anyone at first in high school (transferred school districts). It was one of the millions of secrets that I would keep for years.
When my parents found out, well, my dad just didn't talk to me for a few days, and my mom was asking "Why? Why would you choose such a difficult life?" I understand that being a young woman in this day and age isn't always fun, and could be pretty bad at times. But all I said was "Because it's who I am." It didn't really hit me until then that this was exactly what I wanted: to BE a girl. Not a guy, a girl. A young woman. My mom later went on to tell me all the challenges I would face even presenting as a cisgender girl, let alone being a trans* girl. Did it sway my judgement? Obviously not.
But now I know a bit of what she was talking about. Only a little, but enough. Being a girl is a LOT harder than being a guy, and I'm speaking from experience. It doesn't always seem like I'm trying to impress people, but in reality I am; I don't want to appear to be a slob, I want to be perceived as a pretty/beautiful girl (doesn't always work, but I try). Yes, I put on makeup (occasionally), do my hair (and get frustrated when it doesn't cooperate), agonize over which top works best with which pants, and which combination flatters my figure the most, shave my legs... Pretty much everything that other girls my age do. Except I'm still learning, while they've had years of, well, practice, to get it all down, while I was thrown into it 6 months ago. So don't blame me for slipping up every once in a while, though I have made remarkable progress for not having done anything "girly" before coming out, save for a few times at church camp.
But there's another thing. Even though I have tiny boobs, they're starting to get kind of annoying. I mean, I'm glad I finally have boobs and all, but, well, they get in the way. It's painful to sleep on my stomach now (which is pretty much how I've slept for years). And worst of all is probably when I'm eating: I have a tendency to lean back in whatever I'm sitting in when I eat, AND I like to wear v-neck shirts... Let's just say it's really awkward to fish food out of your bra in the middle of lunch. I'm not saying I do that, but... Well, it sucks. Food and boobs do not work well together, especially when an open-necked shirt is thrown in to the equation. And speaking of equations...
A month ago, I took the AP Calculus exam, which I'm pretty sure I bombed. REALLY wish I had been studying for months in advance. Now that the end of the school year is literally a week away, we don't really do much in any of my classes, but that doesn't mean any of us, especially me, are in the clear yet. See, I'm on the verge of failing about half of my classes this semester, and I AM failing this semester's English. Ironic, since I'm writing this, and I hope to one day (hopefully soon) make a living by writing scripts (and maybe even novels). Plus, I have the most relaxed English teacher in this school (I'm pretty sure I went over this in the last post, but I'm saying it again, regardless). Last I checked, my semester grade is at less than a 50%. He says that he'll pass me if I can get this one research paper done and turned in (I was gone for nearly a week that the class was working on it), but....... I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know what to research, I don't know how to put it all together... I'm lost, and it's too late to ask for help.
Well, overall, things seem to be going just great!... I wish I could say that, but I would be lying if I did.
I know, I know, shocking, isn't it; me writing again so soon. But I just wanted to vent a little, and maybe explain a few things.
Many years ago, all I really wanted was to wake up one day as a girl. To look like a girl, sound like a girl, be perceived as a girl... More than money, I wanted to be who I didn't know I was on the outside. I never thought of myself as being a girl in a boy's body. I never told my parents that I wanted/needed to be a girl. I felt that that was just something you didn't tell anyone. I mean, how many straight guys tell their friends "Yeah, so, I need to be a girl. Y'all want to go get some lunch?" That just doesn't happen, and that's exactly why I stayed silent for so long; I didn't want to be more of an outcast than I already was in middle school, and I didn't really know anyone at first in high school (transferred school districts). It was one of the millions of secrets that I would keep for years.
When my parents found out, well, my dad just didn't talk to me for a few days, and my mom was asking "Why? Why would you choose such a difficult life?" I understand that being a young woman in this day and age isn't always fun, and could be pretty bad at times. But all I said was "Because it's who I am." It didn't really hit me until then that this was exactly what I wanted: to BE a girl. Not a guy, a girl. A young woman. My mom later went on to tell me all the challenges I would face even presenting as a cisgender girl, let alone being a trans* girl. Did it sway my judgement? Obviously not.
But now I know a bit of what she was talking about. Only a little, but enough. Being a girl is a LOT harder than being a guy, and I'm speaking from experience. It doesn't always seem like I'm trying to impress people, but in reality I am; I don't want to appear to be a slob, I want to be perceived as a pretty/beautiful girl (doesn't always work, but I try). Yes, I put on makeup (occasionally), do my hair (and get frustrated when it doesn't cooperate), agonize over which top works best with which pants, and which combination flatters my figure the most, shave my legs... Pretty much everything that other girls my age do. Except I'm still learning, while they've had years of, well, practice, to get it all down, while I was thrown into it 6 months ago. So don't blame me for slipping up every once in a while, though I have made remarkable progress for not having done anything "girly" before coming out, save for a few times at church camp.
But there's another thing. Even though I have tiny boobs, they're starting to get kind of annoying. I mean, I'm glad I finally have boobs and all, but, well, they get in the way. It's painful to sleep on my stomach now (which is pretty much how I've slept for years). And worst of all is probably when I'm eating: I have a tendency to lean back in whatever I'm sitting in when I eat, AND I like to wear v-neck shirts... Let's just say it's really awkward to fish food out of your bra in the middle of lunch. I'm not saying I do that, but... Well, it sucks. Food and boobs do not work well together, especially when an open-necked shirt is thrown in to the equation. And speaking of equations...
A month ago, I took the AP Calculus exam, which I'm pretty sure I bombed. REALLY wish I had been studying for months in advance. Now that the end of the school year is literally a week away, we don't really do much in any of my classes, but that doesn't mean any of us, especially me, are in the clear yet. See, I'm on the verge of failing about half of my classes this semester, and I AM failing this semester's English. Ironic, since I'm writing this, and I hope to one day (hopefully soon) make a living by writing scripts (and maybe even novels). Plus, I have the most relaxed English teacher in this school (I'm pretty sure I went over this in the last post, but I'm saying it again, regardless). Last I checked, my semester grade is at less than a 50%. He says that he'll pass me if I can get this one research paper done and turned in (I was gone for nearly a week that the class was working on it), but....... I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know what to research, I don't know how to put it all together... I'm lost, and it's too late to ask for help.
Well, overall, things seem to be going just great!... I wish I could say that, but I would be lying if I did.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Moving things along
Here I am, only 11 days away from the end of the school year, and it feels like it went by too fast. Of course, it always does. At the beginning of the year, we think "This is going to take forever," then, at the end of the year, it's "That happened too fast." And, looking back, I have been out and living as female for more than half of this school year (out for five and a half months). And I've been on Estrogen for seven and a half months.
The picture on the right was taken at the beginning of my sophomore year (2011-12), while the picture on the right was take less than a month ago. It's amazing how much I've changed since then, even since starting hormones. My butt is kinda huge, my breasts are, well, developing, my waist is more defined... It truly is amazing how much has changed. Just imagine being in one of my classes and seeing that sort of change (heck, it was a huge change even in the week that I came out - two days I looked like a guy, two days a girl).
On to more relevant matters, namely my utter failure in school. My grades are depressing, I'll probably fail this semester's English (ironic, since I have the most laid-back English teacher at the school), and I haven't gotten any filming done for class. Though that will all change next year. Next year... Will be interesting. To start with, it'll be senior year, and we all know how much stress that is, what with senior projects, catching up on failed classes, looking around for colleges and scholarships, working and saving up for college.... To make matters more interesting, though, is the fact that, while I will not have a job, I will (hopefully) be running my own videography business, where I will be filming 'important functions,' such as weddings, dance recitals, plays, etc. This year alone, I filmed 2/3rds (4 out of 6) of the drama departments productions, and was only recently finally able to sell parts of them in a highlights dvd (10 minutes or less from each production, highlighting the best of each). Also, next year I hope to be more involved with drama, filming ALL of the plays and the musical, including "behind the scenes," which would be what goes into making a play/musical, of which I will use in a documentary of the EHS drama department that will span the whole year. That's right, I'm making a 9 month long documentary. As well as acting in the musical, and potentially a play ("Julius Caesar," by William Shakespeare). And I'm hoping to make at least one feature film (over 30 minutes). Let's just say, when it comes to filming anything next year, I'm going to need a little help...
Now that I've established how hectic next year will be... Let's finish out this year and have an awesome summer!
On to more relevant matters, namely my utter failure in school. My grades are depressing, I'll probably fail this semester's English (ironic, since I have the most laid-back English teacher at the school), and I haven't gotten any filming done for class. Though that will all change next year. Next year... Will be interesting. To start with, it'll be senior year, and we all know how much stress that is, what with senior projects, catching up on failed classes, looking around for colleges and scholarships, working and saving up for college.... To make matters more interesting, though, is the fact that, while I will not have a job, I will (hopefully) be running my own videography business, where I will be filming 'important functions,' such as weddings, dance recitals, plays, etc. This year alone, I filmed 2/3rds (4 out of 6) of the drama departments productions, and was only recently finally able to sell parts of them in a highlights dvd (10 minutes or less from each production, highlighting the best of each). Also, next year I hope to be more involved with drama, filming ALL of the plays and the musical, including "behind the scenes," which would be what goes into making a play/musical, of which I will use in a documentary of the EHS drama department that will span the whole year. That's right, I'm making a 9 month long documentary. As well as acting in the musical, and potentially a play ("Julius Caesar," by William Shakespeare). And I'm hoping to make at least one feature film (over 30 minutes). Let's just say, when it comes to filming anything next year, I'm going to need a little help...
Now that I've established how hectic next year will be... Let's finish out this year and have an awesome summer!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
It's been WAY too long...
Wow, look how time flies. I've barely had a spare moment to give thought to this blog in about a month or two, and in that time a LOT has happened, most of which I hardly remember, if at all.
I came out in December of 2012, just over 4 months ago. Since then, I have been living full time, meaning that I do everything as Jennifer, and no longer as Patrick. Sure, I may wear my old guy clothes as pajamas, but come on. They're pretty darn comfy, and actually kind of big now. I started taking Estrogen pills on my birthday in October, and I just started taking injections yesterday (been on E for 6 months now!). My boobs aren't the biggest yet, but I'm fine with that (for now). My hips aren't that big either, but somehow I have a huge butt. Not HUGE huge, but a lot bigger than it used to be. My hair is a lot longer now (last big haircut was over 20 months ago), and I've finally gained the confidence to wear it down more often (I've been putting it up in a bun for a while). My wardrobe has barely increased (sadly), but that's probably because whenever I get money, I blow it on Magic: the Gathering cards (nerd alert). Which is such a good waste of money, when I should be saving up for college, or a laptop, or a car, or something more practical.
In my video class.... There, things start to fall apart. See, I have grandiose plans for next year. But that's the problem: I don't know what to do the rest of this year. I love to write scripts, but I can never film them, mostly because I never write easy, one-person scripts. But no, I have to write 20 characters into each! Plus, nobody can/is willing to commit. Either they are already in a group, don't want to work, don't want to work with me, have jobs, have a ton of homework, are in different classes, or are failing a class. Do many reasons why people can't work with me. I mean, I have a bunch of stuff I could make next year, that's realistic, but not enough time or actors to make this year. On a better note, the Video Club is finally working on our big project for this year, and we will be doing most of the remaining shoots in the middle weeks of May ("Hell weeks") so as to have the film done by the time the Enumclaw Film Festival rolls around in late May/early June. One thing that I will tell you about this film: it will be awesome. And hilarious. Trust me, I've helped film a few shots here and there.
Oh, and it seems that I now have an unpaying job working as the videographer for the high school's drama teacher, Mr. Miller. How it works is that I film a play/musical that the drama program is putting on. I then make a DVD with that footage, and give the one copy I make to him, free of charge. It's fun and all, but I'm hoping to eventually get some better rewards than just a free show. Granted, being able to see the show in general is a pleasant and wholesome experience, but....
Regardless, I have been having a series of rather happy past few weeks, and I hope that I can finish up this year even happier. Oh, and spring break starts tomorrow after school. And the Day of Silence starts tomorrow before school. And I'm having a friend or two come over. Then I have to go film the second day of the show (Antigone).
Tomorrow is going to be busy...
I came out in December of 2012, just over 4 months ago. Since then, I have been living full time, meaning that I do everything as Jennifer, and no longer as Patrick. Sure, I may wear my old guy clothes as pajamas, but come on. They're pretty darn comfy, and actually kind of big now. I started taking Estrogen pills on my birthday in October, and I just started taking injections yesterday (been on E for 6 months now!). My boobs aren't the biggest yet, but I'm fine with that (for now). My hips aren't that big either, but somehow I have a huge butt. Not HUGE huge, but a lot bigger than it used to be. My hair is a lot longer now (last big haircut was over 20 months ago), and I've finally gained the confidence to wear it down more often (I've been putting it up in a bun for a while). My wardrobe has barely increased (sadly), but that's probably because whenever I get money, I blow it on Magic: the Gathering cards (nerd alert). Which is such a good waste of money, when I should be saving up for college, or a laptop, or a car, or something more practical.
In my video class.... There, things start to fall apart. See, I have grandiose plans for next year. But that's the problem: I don't know what to do the rest of this year. I love to write scripts, but I can never film them, mostly because I never write easy, one-person scripts. But no, I have to write 20 characters into each! Plus, nobody can/is willing to commit. Either they are already in a group, don't want to work, don't want to work with me, have jobs, have a ton of homework, are in different classes, or are failing a class. Do many reasons why people can't work with me. I mean, I have a bunch of stuff I could make next year, that's realistic, but not enough time or actors to make this year. On a better note, the Video Club is finally working on our big project for this year, and we will be doing most of the remaining shoots in the middle weeks of May ("Hell weeks") so as to have the film done by the time the Enumclaw Film Festival rolls around in late May/early June. One thing that I will tell you about this film: it will be awesome. And hilarious. Trust me, I've helped film a few shots here and there.
Oh, and it seems that I now have an unpaying job working as the videographer for the high school's drama teacher, Mr. Miller. How it works is that I film a play/musical that the drama program is putting on. I then make a DVD with that footage, and give the one copy I make to him, free of charge. It's fun and all, but I'm hoping to eventually get some better rewards than just a free show. Granted, being able to see the show in general is a pleasant and wholesome experience, but....
Regardless, I have been having a series of rather happy past few weeks, and I hope that I can finish up this year even happier. Oh, and spring break starts tomorrow after school. And the Day of Silence starts tomorrow before school. And I'm having a friend or two come over. Then I have to go film the second day of the show (Antigone).
Tomorrow is going to be busy...
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Valentines Day?
Wow, it's been WAY too long since I last posted anything... And a lot has happened since.
First of all, things have been going well in school. My grades aren't that bad, and I'm actually getting stuff done, including filming stuff. At least, filming stuff for grades...
Last Thursday or so, I hung out with a friend, and we went and got me some makeup (liquid eyeliner and some foundation), then went back to her place, where she taught me how to apply it (still working on the eyeliner..), and I enjoyed eating fajitas as well. All in all, a fun evening.
Last weekend, my church's youth group, myself, and several other youth groups from other neighboring churches all went up to Snoqualamie for about 2 hours of tubing and hanging it. It was fun, but I would have it say it was more fun seeing my friends than actually tubing, seeing as I only got a chance to go down the runs about 5 or 6 times...
Earlier this week, either Monday or Tuesday... I felt really insecure (still kinda do). I just felt like breaking down... I mean, I don't sound even remotely like a girl (still sound like a guy), and other slightly nonsensical stuff that I don't remember now. All I know is, I felt like shit for like two days.
Yesterday, the GSA at my school had a Valentines Day party, where we watched Easy A and ate a bunch of pizza. Which was fun, since I love that movie!!
Today.... Well, today started out shitty. I woke up too late, had next to no time to do anything with my hair, none for makeup, and barely any time to get dressed. I then had to rush downstairs, grab my backpack, a camera bag, tripod, breakfast and lunch, and put on shoes. I burst out the front door to see my mom and sister driving down the hill, and my dad refused to take me down or let me drive his jeep. "Look's like you'll have to walk down to your mom's office," (her office is only about two and a half miles away from our house, but that's a hell of a long way to walk carrying what I had). I just stared at him, dumbfounded, until it occurred that I could just ride a bike down to her office and drive from there (I usually drive to school on Thursdays). So, I biked down (literally, downhill) a three quarter mile long dirt/gravel driveway (which is still wet from all the rain we've had), getting my jeans soaked from the spray kicked up by the tires. I then biked another mile or so, quickly realizing that the tires weren't quite so full of air. I stopped after a little while, called my mom, debated ranting at her, decided against it, and asked her to pick me up at a nearby location. She did, and I put the bike and the rest of my stuff (backpack, camera bag, and tripod) into the car. I drove, dropped her off at her office, then went to school. I got there just in time to hear the morning announcements as I was walking to my locker. I feel like I'm gonna make a movie out of this..
Aside from that, the only other things worth noting are about Valentines Day itself. Sure, I hate it when single girls complain that they don't have a boyfriend. Yet they don't complain so much every other day of the year. However, I myself have joined the ranks of the complainers, and for good reason, I feel.
See, most girls don't get boyfriends because of their weight, their hair, or what their face looks like. Even the size of their boobs. However, they can all do something about that, whether it be exercise or using makeup. And then there's me. I can do makeup and hair (kind of), and I am relatively skinny. But pretty much everyone in my school knows me as having been a guy. Having a dick. And, as far as I know, any guy at school would be considered gay by his peers were they to date me. Not because I really look like a guy, but because I have a dick. Which can't be fixed until I'm 18 and have a chunk of change. Not to mention that I still sound like a guy (working on training my voice, but...). So, yeah. I'm single on Valentines Day. For good reason, it would seem... Woop de doo.
Happy Single's Awareness Day, everyone!!
First of all, things have been going well in school. My grades aren't that bad, and I'm actually getting stuff done, including filming stuff. At least, filming stuff for grades...
Last Thursday or so, I hung out with a friend, and we went and got me some makeup (liquid eyeliner and some foundation), then went back to her place, where she taught me how to apply it (still working on the eyeliner..), and I enjoyed eating fajitas as well. All in all, a fun evening.
Last weekend, my church's youth group, myself, and several other youth groups from other neighboring churches all went up to Snoqualamie for about 2 hours of tubing and hanging it. It was fun, but I would have it say it was more fun seeing my friends than actually tubing, seeing as I only got a chance to go down the runs about 5 or 6 times...
Earlier this week, either Monday or Tuesday... I felt really insecure (still kinda do). I just felt like breaking down... I mean, I don't sound even remotely like a girl (still sound like a guy), and other slightly nonsensical stuff that I don't remember now. All I know is, I felt like shit for like two days.
Yesterday, the GSA at my school had a Valentines Day party, where we watched Easy A and ate a bunch of pizza. Which was fun, since I love that movie!!
Today.... Well, today started out shitty. I woke up too late, had next to no time to do anything with my hair, none for makeup, and barely any time to get dressed. I then had to rush downstairs, grab my backpack, a camera bag, tripod, breakfast and lunch, and put on shoes. I burst out the front door to see my mom and sister driving down the hill, and my dad refused to take me down or let me drive his jeep. "Look's like you'll have to walk down to your mom's office," (her office is only about two and a half miles away from our house, but that's a hell of a long way to walk carrying what I had). I just stared at him, dumbfounded, until it occurred that I could just ride a bike down to her office and drive from there (I usually drive to school on Thursdays). So, I biked down (literally, downhill) a three quarter mile long dirt/gravel driveway (which is still wet from all the rain we've had), getting my jeans soaked from the spray kicked up by the tires. I then biked another mile or so, quickly realizing that the tires weren't quite so full of air. I stopped after a little while, called my mom, debated ranting at her, decided against it, and asked her to pick me up at a nearby location. She did, and I put the bike and the rest of my stuff (backpack, camera bag, and tripod) into the car. I drove, dropped her off at her office, then went to school. I got there just in time to hear the morning announcements as I was walking to my locker. I feel like I'm gonna make a movie out of this..
Aside from that, the only other things worth noting are about Valentines Day itself. Sure, I hate it when single girls complain that they don't have a boyfriend. Yet they don't complain so much every other day of the year. However, I myself have joined the ranks of the complainers, and for good reason, I feel.
See, most girls don't get boyfriends because of their weight, their hair, or what their face looks like. Even the size of their boobs. However, they can all do something about that, whether it be exercise or using makeup. And then there's me. I can do makeup and hair (kind of), and I am relatively skinny. But pretty much everyone in my school knows me as having been a guy. Having a dick. And, as far as I know, any guy at school would be considered gay by his peers were they to date me. Not because I really look like a guy, but because I have a dick. Which can't be fixed until I'm 18 and have a chunk of change. Not to mention that I still sound like a guy (working on training my voice, but...). So, yeah. I'm single on Valentines Day. For good reason, it would seem... Woop de doo.
Happy Single's Awareness Day, everyone!!
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