Confidence is key

Today, my confidence took a bit of a hit. As I was walking down a hallway (in my school, obviously), a boy was walking past me, staring at me (or, more accurately, at my chest), which I wasn't terribly fond of. Anyways, as I walked past him, I heard him say "The fuck?" What's worse is the somewhat confused look he had on his face as I was walking by him. Later, when I was walking back down the hallway, I passed him again. He didn't say anything this time, just... Stared at me/my boobs/lack there of. Which is what I believe to be what confused him (I mean, I wear a bra and all - it's about an A cup or so - it's just that I have next to no cleavage). Granted, he could have been confused about something else, but I have a hunch it was me that confused him. Which is surprising, seeing as I am publicly out (I don't think there is anyone at my school that doesn't know already).

I knew that being a girl was hard. I never said I wanted it easy. I never expected it to be easy. I just wanted to be me. And while people say that "it comes with being a girl..." I know. I know it does. I never said I didn't want it to. I'm just saying that I need help. Most girls grow up doing makeup, hair, clothes, et cetera, whereas I am being thrust into it as a teenager.

Basically, I have almost no idea what I'm doing, at the time in my life when people expect me to. All I want is a little (a lot of) help, here and there, until I think I know what I'm doing.

On a slightly different note about my confidence...

I remember, back when I was in elementary and middle school, my teachers would always tell me that I would do great things when I grew up, that I was so smart, etc., etc..... Thing is, though, I have almost never been any good in school. I mean, I enjoy a few classes here and there, and get my work in most of the time in a couple of my classes. It's just that I'm not the kind of smart kid who is great in school. I mean... I feel that I'm not gonna do much in life, but I don't think that I'll fail in school. Maybe do poorly, but not fail completely. While I want to be successful in life, I don't want to do much. I don't really want to impress people. All I want to do is write, edit, and maybe direct [feature length] films.

 I feel like the opposite of these people. I'm smart, and people expect great things from me. But I feel like I'm going to let them down, and I won't do great things, let alone good, or even okay.


Your life is what you make of it.