Dreams

Ugh... Waking up at four in the morning after a nightmare is NOT fun. Especially when said nightmare involved your own father putting two large bullets into your families favorite dogs' head. The worst part: he loves that dog as much as the rest of us.

Anyways, nightmares aside, at least I get to watch the sunrise. And think about where I can film a movie this weekend; we were supposed to have all the footage for our fist film yesterday, but, of course, I didn't. Still haven't even filmed one shot, let alone a scene. Granted, the film I'm planning is a short sketch comedy, but it still takes a little while to film.

I feel like I'm rambling, but I really don't have much to talk about, and I do NOT want to talk about that nightmare... I don't really know where this post was going, but I know it didn't get there. I could blame the fact that I'm getting over the shock of such a horrible nightmare. Or I could say it's because I woke up at a time that I'm not used to. Or perhaps my nose woke me; my nose has been both clogged and running on and off for the past week. Maybe all of the above. Maybe not. the point is, I am now wide awake, scared, and very hungry. Didn't realize it before, but now... I need food. Guess I'll just end this post and eat something good that will cheer me up.

Early Birthday Gift

Well, my week was been made infinitely better, so much so that I wore a "Life is Good" shirt that I haven't worn since... Well, It's been so long that I forget when I last wore it. My life hasn't really been good for a while. For obvious reasons...

Anyways.

Last night, while sitting at the computer, I overheard my parents talking, and I'm pretty sure it was about me, because I kept hearing my dad using my male name, and my mom using my female name. So, there I sat, quietly clicking and typing, trying my best to eavesdrop. Well, I didn't do well. But, later, my mom came into the room I was in, and gave me some of the best news I've heard in a long time. She told me that, while my dad isn't any more accepting than he has been, and even though he doesn't agree to me taking Estrogen, he doesn't disagree to it. So, to recap, I can finally take Estrogen!!! Granted, I'm not starting until my birthday, but what a hell of a birthday present! Even better, starting on my birthday (mid-October), my parents will both start using female pronouns and my female name at home (well, my mom will, and I think my dad might try). And, to top off the birthday awesomeness, my mom is taking me bra shopping!! What a great way to spend my 16th birthday =D  I love you mom! And, dare I say it, but I love my dad too!

Life is finally Good :)

Running Away

Well, today I ran away. Kind of. Granted, I didn't get far, since my dad caught up with me about two miles from our house. So, we talked for, like, an hour or so, when my mom came down too. After a couple minutes, I finally got in her car, and went home. but not before going to a local produce store for some food. Basically, over the last two years, since I came out, my dad had been acting like it was all a joke, a phase. Which isn't really understandable, considering we learn at an early age the differences in gender presentation and gender roles, and, when it's "decided" (for lack of a better word) what gender you really are, you know for certain who and what you are. Granted, it usually takes a bit of exploring said gender orientation, but you get there.

Well, my plan for running away wasn't really a plan. I was really just hoping to crash at a friends house for a day or so, while things simmered down, both in me and at home. Well, my parents soon convinced me otherwise. At least my dad and I are almost on the same page, now. Granted, he's stilled opposed to my transition, especially while in high school (he actually requested that I stay male in school till I graduate. The nerve!). Granted, I can understand his reasoning, which is so that I don't get bullied, but, I mean, those experiences will (hopefully) strengthen me, and make me a better person! I mean, in middle school, I was still bouncing around everyone, seemingly carefree, even though I was tormented daily. Once at home, though, I sulked. A lot. I was almost bordering on depression when I finally transferred out of that hell-hole. Well, at least my dad still loves me enough to not want me to go through that again. And he doesn't have much hope that I will make and keep friends once I come out at school. Ha! Considering how many of my friends I've told, and you readers, all of which have been supportive and approving of this new lifestyle... I think I've got enough support to get me through the last year and a half of high school.

Movie Magic

Well, the second week of my Junior year has come and gone, and things are going as well as they can, I guess. And, although we haven't really don't much in history, calc, and english, we've already done a lab or two in chemistry (didn't have to tie my hair back; not yet, anyways). However, the best thing, in my mind, that I did this week was in my video productions class. See, in the beginners class, you get credit just for putting some footage together in a coherent pattern. Well, in the advanced classed, the one I'm in, we actually have to make good movies. REALLY good movies. Which is what I've been working on all this week. Well, at least the scripts for said movies, anyways. The script I'm thinking of is something I started last year, in the beginners class, but never really got around to finishing, until this year. Well, it went from being a 5-10 minute movie into a 15-20 minute movie. And, though the plot didn't really turn out any differently than I really thought it would, I surprised myself: when I showed it to a couple people, they were so surprised at how life-like it was. All the suspense, emotions, etc... Especially when they got to the end. Like in every horror/suspense movie (yes, this movie is going to be a horror/suspense), the ending is always shocking, and I tried to do my best to make it a good ending. Not necessarily happy, just good. Dramatic. Cliffhanging. Granted, I still had some minor corrections to make, I think it turned out great. Now, the trick is just to find a film crew and some actors... I will try to upload the video somewhere on here as soon as it's done, but no guaranties.

Therapy and More

You know, I've been meaning to talk about this subject for a while, but never got around to doing so. As it happens, therapy can be a pretty touchy subject for any trans* person. I know, because it was for me at first. See, the word "therapy" implies that something is wrong with the person, and it needs to be fixed. This is NOT the case for trans* people, expecially if you find a good therapist.There is nothing about being trans* that needs to be fixed or cured or whatever. A therapist is there to help you transition, not make it worse. They can provide many resources for surgery, endocrinologists, support groups, you name it. Not to mention that they are there to help with your emotions. Considering that estrogen and testosterone can turn your emotions as you knew them inside out, as well as the stress of having to keep a secret for so long, you're gonna need some way to let your emotions, joys, and concerns out without hurting yourslef or anybody else. Believe me, I bullied my sister for years, and that was just because I needed an outlet for my own experiences being harrassed in middle school (this is before I even started to question my gender). Imagine how bad it can be if you're harrassed for being yourself when others don't want you to be.

Anyways, it's not really therapy, so much as meeting with someone who can help you on your way to becoming the real you. Almost like seeing a good friend who is always there for you. And really, you shouldn't be seeing a therapist/psychiatrist just so you can get a letter of recomendation. You should be seeing them for help getting to your goal, especially emotional support. Trust me, you are going to need it.

My suggestion for finding a trans* friendly therapist in your area is to look around for therapists, then ask their opinions on the whole LGBTQ and about trans* people. If the response is good, question a little furthur about "treating" (for lack of a better word) trans* people. If this response is also good, then book an appointment! If you get too many bad reactions (I leave this for you to decide what is good and bad), then look for someone else. Therapists these days should be getting more trans* friendly.

On a side note, school is going well for me so far. Well, as well as school can be when you aren't out yet. At least there's a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). And, I guess, Video Club, which is basically about making movies outside of the classroom (Video Produtions), especially this year. I won't say much, but it's the next movie in a series almost as old as the class itself. And I think I will be part of it this year.