Moving things along

Here I am, only 11 days away from the end of the school year, and it feels like it went by too fast. Of course, it always does. At the beginning of the year, we think "This is going to take forever," then, at the end of the year, it's "That happened too fast." And, looking back, I have been out and living as female for more than half of this school year (out for five and a half months). And I've been on Estrogen for seven and a half months.

The picture on the right was taken at the beginning of my sophomore year (2011-12), while the picture on the right was take less than a month ago. It's amazing how much I've changed since then, even since starting hormones. My butt is kinda huge, my breasts are, well, developing, my waist is more defined... It truly is amazing how much has changed. Just imagine being in one of my classes and seeing that sort of change (heck, it was a huge change even in the week that I came out - two days I looked like a guy, two days a girl).

On to more relevant matters, namely my utter failure in school. My grades are depressing, I'll probably fail this semester's English (ironic, since I have the most laid-back English teacher at the school), and I haven't gotten any filming done for class. Though that will all change next year. Next year... Will be interesting. To start with, it'll be senior year, and we all know how much stress that is, what with senior projects, catching up on failed classes, looking around for colleges and scholarships, working and saving up for college.... To make matters more interesting, though, is the fact that, while I will not have a job, I will (hopefully) be running my own videography business, where I will be filming 'important functions,' such as weddings, dance recitals, plays, etc. This year alone, I filmed 2/3rds (4 out of 6) of the drama departments productions, and was only recently finally able to sell parts of them in a highlights dvd (10 minutes or less from each production, highlighting the best of each). Also, next year I hope to be more involved with drama, filming ALL of the plays and the musical, including "behind the scenes," which would be what goes into making a play/musical, of which I will use in a documentary of the EHS drama department that will span the whole year. That's right, I'm making a 9 month long documentary. As well as acting in the musical, and potentially a play ("Julius Caesar," by William Shakespeare). And I'm hoping to make at least one feature film (over 30 minutes). Let's just say, when it comes to filming anything next year, I'm going to need a little help...

Now that I've established how hectic next year will be... Let's finish out this year and have an awesome summer!

It's been WAY too long...

Wow, look how time flies. I've barely had a spare moment to give thought to this blog in about a month or two, and in that time a LOT has happened, most of which I hardly remember, if at all.

I came out in December of 2012, just over 4 months ago. Since then, I have been living full time, meaning that I do everything as Jennifer, and no longer as Patrick. Sure, I may wear my old guy clothes as pajamas, but come on. They're pretty darn comfy, and actually kind of big now. I started taking Estrogen pills on my birthday in October, and I just started taking injections yesterday (been on E for 6 months now!). My boobs aren't the biggest yet, but I'm fine with that (for now). My hips aren't that big either, but somehow I have a huge butt. Not HUGE huge, but a lot bigger than it used to be. My hair is a lot longer now (last big haircut was over 20 months ago), and I've finally gained the confidence to wear it down more often (I've been putting it up in a bun for a while). My wardrobe has barely increased (sadly), but that's probably because whenever I get money, I blow it on Magic: the Gathering cards (nerd alert). Which is such a good waste of money, when I should be saving up for college, or a laptop, or a car, or something more practical.

In my video class.... There, things start to fall apart. See, I have grandiose plans for next year. But that's the problem: I don't know what to do the rest of this year. I love to write scripts, but I can never film them, mostly because I never write easy, one-person scripts. But no, I have to write 20 characters into each! Plus, nobody can/is willing to commit. Either they are already in a group, don't want to work, don't want to work with me, have jobs, have a ton of homework, are in different classes, or are failing a class. Do many reasons why people can't work with me. I mean, I have a bunch of stuff I could make next year, that's realistic, but not enough time or actors to make this year. On a better note, the Video Club is finally working on our big project for this year, and we will be doing most of the remaining shoots in the middle weeks of May ("Hell weeks") so as to have the film done by the time the Enumclaw Film Festival rolls around in late May/early June. One thing that I will tell you about this film: it will be awesome. And hilarious. Trust me, I've helped film a few shots here and there.

Oh, and it seems that I now have an unpaying job working as the videographer for the high school's drama teacher, Mr. Miller. How it works is that I film a play/musical that the drama program is putting on. I then make a DVD with that footage, and give the one copy I make to him, free of charge. It's fun and all, but I'm hoping to eventually get some better rewards than just a free show. Granted, being able to see the show in general is a pleasant and wholesome experience, but....

Regardless, I have been having a series of rather happy past few weeks, and I hope that I can finish up this year even happier. Oh, and spring break starts tomorrow after school. And the Day of Silence starts tomorrow before school. And I'm having a friend or two come over. Then I have to go film the second day of the show (Antigone).

Tomorrow is going to be busy...

Valentines Day?

Wow, it's been WAY too long since I last posted anything... And a lot has happened since.

First of all, things have been going well in school. My grades aren't that bad, and I'm actually getting stuff done, including filming stuff. At least, filming stuff for grades...

Last Thursday or so, I hung out with a friend, and we went and got me some makeup (liquid eyeliner and some foundation), then went back to her place, where she taught me how to apply it (still working on the eyeliner..), and I enjoyed eating fajitas as well. All in all, a fun evening.

Last weekend, my church's youth group, myself, and several other youth groups from other neighboring churches all went up to Snoqualamie for about 2 hours of tubing and hanging it. It was fun, but I would have it say it was more fun seeing my friends than actually tubing, seeing as I only got a chance to go down the runs about 5 or 6 times...

Earlier this week, either Monday or Tuesday... I felt really insecure (still kinda do). I just felt like breaking down... I mean, I don't sound even remotely like a girl (still sound like a guy), and other slightly nonsensical stuff that I don't remember now. All I know is, I felt like shit for like two days.

Yesterday, the GSA at my school had a Valentines Day party, where we watched Easy A and ate a bunch of pizza. Which was fun, since I love that movie!!

Today.... Well, today started out shitty. I woke up too late, had next to no time to do anything with my hair, none for makeup, and barely any time to get dressed. I then had to rush downstairs, grab my backpack, a camera bag, tripod, breakfast and lunch, and put on shoes. I burst out the front door to see my mom and sister driving down the hill, and my dad refused to take me down or let me drive his jeep. "Look's like you'll have to walk down to your mom's office," (her office is only about two and a half miles away from our house, but that's a hell of a long way to walk carrying what I had). I just stared at him, dumbfounded, until it occurred that I could just ride a bike down to her office and drive from there (I usually drive to school on Thursdays). So, I biked down (literally, downhill) a three quarter mile long dirt/gravel driveway (which is still wet from all the rain we've had), getting my jeans soaked from the spray kicked up by the tires. I then biked another mile or so, quickly realizing that the tires weren't quite so full of air. I stopped after a little while, called my mom, debated ranting at her, decided against it, and asked her to pick me up at a nearby location. She did, and I put the bike and the rest of my stuff (backpack, camera bag, and tripod) into the car. I drove, dropped her off at her office, then went to school. I got there just in time to hear the morning announcements as I was walking to my locker. I feel like I'm gonna make a movie out of this..

Aside from that, the only other things worth noting are about Valentines Day itself. Sure, I hate it when single girls complain that they don't have a boyfriend. Yet they don't complain so much every other day of the year. However, I myself have joined the ranks of the complainers, and for good reason, I feel.
See, most girls don't get boyfriends because of their weight, their hair, or what their face looks like. Even the size of their boobs. However, they can all do something about that, whether it be exercise or using makeup. And then there's me. I can do makeup and hair (kind of), and I am relatively skinny. But pretty much everyone in my school knows me as having been a guy. Having a dick. And, as far as I know, any guy at school would be considered gay by his peers were they to date me. Not because I really look like a guy, but because I have a dick. Which can't be fixed until I'm 18 and have a chunk of change. Not to mention that I still sound like a guy (working on training my voice, but...). So, yeah. I'm single on Valentines Day. For good reason, it would seem... Woop de doo.

Happy Single's Awareness Day, everyone!!

MLK Jr. weekend (and camp!)

This past weekend has been a blast. There's no other way to say that (okay, maybe there is, I just can't think of anything better at the moment). I had a lot of fun, seeing old friends, and meeting new ones (whom I still have yet to find on Facebook...). Let's face it: camp is awesome. And I am sad to realize that I have less than 20 days left at camp (2 weeks and one weekend are all I have left) until I graduate, and aren't allowed back as a camper (granted, there are young adult retreats, but it won't be the same). That being said, I shall enjoy what is left of my days at the Sr. High camps.

Anyways.

Friday was, to begin with... Boring. I went to school. What else is new. We did some stuff in history, attended an assembly for Martin Luther King, Jr., watched some new video in video productions, learned some math stuff in calculus, some German stuff in German class, chemistry stuff, and some stuff about Huckleberry Finn. The usual. Except for the assembly, obviously. Which was pretty decent, if I may say so myself. Which I will, since I am entitled to my opinions, and am free to express them however I wish. Which would be on the internet.

After school, though, was when things started to get somewhat interesting. Or, should I say, difficult. About an hour after school, I was dropped off at the library in town to work on a project for my chemistry class that was due last year (only a month ago, but hey, it's fun to make these kinds of jokes in January). So, for the next two hours or so, I was sitting in front of a computer working on a Prezi presentation powerpoint thingy. Or, more accurately, I was playing Bloons Tower Defense 5, scrolling through Facebook, and watching some videos on YouTube with a window open to the Prezi document, and a chemistry textbook nearby. I did finish it, though, with about an hours work or so. Or less. Something like that. What matters is that it was done by about five o'clock that afternoon. Shortly after, I was back home, packing various odds and ends (and some clothes, too) into a bag, and taking a nice [short] hot shower (we had been really low on propane for a week or so, so we all had to take very very very short showers, until that Friday afternoon, when it was delivered). Shortly thereafter, we (my dad and I) were out the door, driving down to my mom's office, where they traded me off. Shortly after THAT, I was driving (with my mom in the passenger seat) down 410 towards Port Orchard. If you didn't already know, driving from Enumclaw to Port Orchard is a very, very, very, very long drive. Thankfully, though, we got there around 7:30, which was pretty good time. Really good, in fact.

At camp, I had the chance to reconnect with many of my friends (several of whom said that they were following my Facebook and blog posts), which was something that I really needed. Well, I also needed some chocolate, but they didn't have any, so I settled for the next best thing. Which would be my friends. Shocking, isn't it? I have friends!

I can't really recall everything in detail (or at all) from this past weekend, other than that I had a great time, seeing all my camp friends (you guys are probably getting tired of me talking about how I saw a bunch of my friends), and, well, having a great time. Well, I do remember a certain someone jumping/running into Lake Flora as the parents were arriving (the lake was pretty darn cold, I would imagine). And the various skits that were put on. And the fact that there wasn't any bacon on Saturday morning. Or even sausage patties. However, I think I succeeded rather well in 'fooling' everyone that didn't know me into thinking that I'm cis-gendered (even with my questionable voice). I actually had to explain to one of the counselors that I wasn't involved in an exchange student program (GAPP) because I'm trans, which would be rather awkward if I had a relative stranger staying in my house, and I in theirs...

Coming back home from such a great place isn't very fun. Unless you sleep most of the way back. Then it's okay. But, in all seriousness... It's never pleasant to leave such an awesome place, and such awesome people. Never. I will miss everyone and everything about camp for the next 6 months.

I should finish this up now, before I break down from PCSD (Post-Camp Stress Disorder). *sob*

Confidence is key

Today, my confidence took a bit of a hit. As I was walking down a hallway (in my school, obviously), a boy was walking past me, staring at me (or, more accurately, at my chest), which I wasn't terribly fond of. Anyways, as I walked past him, I heard him say "The fuck?" What's worse is the somewhat confused look he had on his face as I was walking by him. Later, when I was walking back down the hallway, I passed him again. He didn't say anything this time, just... Stared at me/my boobs/lack there of. Which is what I believe to be what confused him (I mean, I wear a bra and all - it's about an A cup or so - it's just that I have next to no cleavage). Granted, he could have been confused about something else, but I have a hunch it was me that confused him. Which is surprising, seeing as I am publicly out (I don't think there is anyone at my school that doesn't know already).

I knew that being a girl was hard. I never said I wanted it easy. I never expected it to be easy. I just wanted to be me. And while people say that "it comes with being a girl..." I know. I know it does. I never said I didn't want it to. I'm just saying that I need help. Most girls grow up doing makeup, hair, clothes, et cetera, whereas I am being thrust into it as a teenager.

Basically, I have almost no idea what I'm doing, at the time in my life when people expect me to. All I want is a little (a lot of) help, here and there, until I think I know what I'm doing.

On a slightly different note about my confidence...

I remember, back when I was in elementary and middle school, my teachers would always tell me that I would do great things when I grew up, that I was so smart, etc., etc..... Thing is, though, I have almost never been any good in school. I mean, I enjoy a few classes here and there, and get my work in most of the time in a couple of my classes. It's just that I'm not the kind of smart kid who is great in school. I mean... I feel that I'm not gonna do much in life, but I don't think that I'll fail in school. Maybe do poorly, but not fail completely. While I want to be successful in life, I don't want to do much. I don't really want to impress people. All I want to do is write, edit, and maybe direct [feature length] films.

 I feel like the opposite of these people. I'm smart, and people expect great things from me. But I feel like I'm going to let them down, and I won't do great things, let alone good, or even okay.


Your life is what you make of it.