MLK Jr. weekend (and camp!)

This past weekend has been a blast. There's no other way to say that (okay, maybe there is, I just can't think of anything better at the moment). I had a lot of fun, seeing old friends, and meeting new ones (whom I still have yet to find on Facebook...). Let's face it: camp is awesome. And I am sad to realize that I have less than 20 days left at camp (2 weeks and one weekend are all I have left) until I graduate, and aren't allowed back as a camper (granted, there are young adult retreats, but it won't be the same). That being said, I shall enjoy what is left of my days at the Sr. High camps.

Anyways.

Friday was, to begin with... Boring. I went to school. What else is new. We did some stuff in history, attended an assembly for Martin Luther King, Jr., watched some new video in video productions, learned some math stuff in calculus, some German stuff in German class, chemistry stuff, and some stuff about Huckleberry Finn. The usual. Except for the assembly, obviously. Which was pretty decent, if I may say so myself. Which I will, since I am entitled to my opinions, and am free to express them however I wish. Which would be on the internet.

After school, though, was when things started to get somewhat interesting. Or, should I say, difficult. About an hour after school, I was dropped off at the library in town to work on a project for my chemistry class that was due last year (only a month ago, but hey, it's fun to make these kinds of jokes in January). So, for the next two hours or so, I was sitting in front of a computer working on a Prezi presentation powerpoint thingy. Or, more accurately, I was playing Bloons Tower Defense 5, scrolling through Facebook, and watching some videos on YouTube with a window open to the Prezi document, and a chemistry textbook nearby. I did finish it, though, with about an hours work or so. Or less. Something like that. What matters is that it was done by about five o'clock that afternoon. Shortly after, I was back home, packing various odds and ends (and some clothes, too) into a bag, and taking a nice [short] hot shower (we had been really low on propane for a week or so, so we all had to take very very very short showers, until that Friday afternoon, when it was delivered). Shortly thereafter, we (my dad and I) were out the door, driving down to my mom's office, where they traded me off. Shortly after THAT, I was driving (with my mom in the passenger seat) down 410 towards Port Orchard. If you didn't already know, driving from Enumclaw to Port Orchard is a very, very, very, very long drive. Thankfully, though, we got there around 7:30, which was pretty good time. Really good, in fact.

At camp, I had the chance to reconnect with many of my friends (several of whom said that they were following my Facebook and blog posts), which was something that I really needed. Well, I also needed some chocolate, but they didn't have any, so I settled for the next best thing. Which would be my friends. Shocking, isn't it? I have friends!

I can't really recall everything in detail (or at all) from this past weekend, other than that I had a great time, seeing all my camp friends (you guys are probably getting tired of me talking about how I saw a bunch of my friends), and, well, having a great time. Well, I do remember a certain someone jumping/running into Lake Flora as the parents were arriving (the lake was pretty darn cold, I would imagine). And the various skits that were put on. And the fact that there wasn't any bacon on Saturday morning. Or even sausage patties. However, I think I succeeded rather well in 'fooling' everyone that didn't know me into thinking that I'm cis-gendered (even with my questionable voice). I actually had to explain to one of the counselors that I wasn't involved in an exchange student program (GAPP) because I'm trans, which would be rather awkward if I had a relative stranger staying in my house, and I in theirs...

Coming back home from such a great place isn't very fun. Unless you sleep most of the way back. Then it's okay. But, in all seriousness... It's never pleasant to leave such an awesome place, and such awesome people. Never. I will miss everyone and everything about camp for the next 6 months.

I should finish this up now, before I break down from PCSD (Post-Camp Stress Disorder). *sob*

Confidence is key

Today, my confidence took a bit of a hit. As I was walking down a hallway (in my school, obviously), a boy was walking past me, staring at me (or, more accurately, at my chest), which I wasn't terribly fond of. Anyways, as I walked past him, I heard him say "The fuck?" What's worse is the somewhat confused look he had on his face as I was walking by him. Later, when I was walking back down the hallway, I passed him again. He didn't say anything this time, just... Stared at me/my boobs/lack there of. Which is what I believe to be what confused him (I mean, I wear a bra and all - it's about an A cup or so - it's just that I have next to no cleavage). Granted, he could have been confused about something else, but I have a hunch it was me that confused him. Which is surprising, seeing as I am publicly out (I don't think there is anyone at my school that doesn't know already).

I knew that being a girl was hard. I never said I wanted it easy. I never expected it to be easy. I just wanted to be me. And while people say that "it comes with being a girl..." I know. I know it does. I never said I didn't want it to. I'm just saying that I need help. Most girls grow up doing makeup, hair, clothes, et cetera, whereas I am being thrust into it as a teenager.

Basically, I have almost no idea what I'm doing, at the time in my life when people expect me to. All I want is a little (a lot of) help, here and there, until I think I know what I'm doing.

On a slightly different note about my confidence...

I remember, back when I was in elementary and middle school, my teachers would always tell me that I would do great things when I grew up, that I was so smart, etc., etc..... Thing is, though, I have almost never been any good in school. I mean, I enjoy a few classes here and there, and get my work in most of the time in a couple of my classes. It's just that I'm not the kind of smart kid who is great in school. I mean... I feel that I'm not gonna do much in life, but I don't think that I'll fail in school. Maybe do poorly, but not fail completely. While I want to be successful in life, I don't want to do much. I don't really want to impress people. All I want to do is write, edit, and maybe direct [feature length] films.

 I feel like the opposite of these people. I'm smart, and people expect great things from me. But I feel like I'm going to let them down, and I won't do great things, let alone good, or even okay.


Your life is what you make of it.

The 12 days of...?

Here we are, about 2 days away from Christmas, and I can't seem to get in the spirit. I mean, I know Christmas is coming up, but it doesn't feel like it...

Anyways, I'm back for a time, here to share whatever the hell happens to be on my mind at the time. Which would be how well the past weeks have gone for me.

Let's start with Friday. Basically, the same as Thursday, except school got out earlier, and I didn't go anywhere fun. Saturday, we (my family) had a bunch of guests over, who got to see me as I truly am, and didn't make a big deal of it. Monday, nothing happened. Tuesday evening, a friend and I went to one of her friends' friends house to watch The Fellowship of the Ring, directors cut, in preparation for watching The Hobbit. And on Wednesday, that same friend, and a few of her friends (along with some of my family) went to see The Hobbit in theaters (which was freaking awesome!). Thursday was my first day of winter break, and Friday the world didn't end after all.

Moral of the story: the people that I know don't care that I'm trans. And I have a social life now (I had NO life outside of school before coming out).

On an unrelated note... I hate it when people assume that being LGBT is a choice. "Why did you choose to be gay?" Nobody chooses to live a difficult life, the same as people don't choose what skin color they are born with. What's worse, though, is when people find out you're trans, and think it's okay to ask some of the most inappropriate questions imaginable, like, "Have you gotten 'the surgery'?" "How do you have sex?" (to name a few). People think that, just because you're trans, it's okay to ask these questions. If you think about it, it's like walking up to some stranger and asking if they've ever had plastic surgery, or had a kidney transplant, or something like that - it's downright rude.

I would say something else, but, frankly, I can't think right now. So.. Until next time, I guess!

It's official!

A lot has happened this week.

Tuesday was my last day presenting as a guy.

Wednesday:
My classmates were notified that I would be attending school as Jennifer from now on. My mom and I went to a hairdresser, who we've known for years, and she did my hair (highlights and a slight trimming - it turned out great!), then we (both my parents and myself) went to Auburn and got my name legally changed.  My  mom and I then went shopping at Fred Meyers and Plato's Closet, where I got a bunch of bras, flannel shirts, a few pairs of nice jeans, and a good fleece jacket. We later went and saw the high school winter choir concert, where I was greeted rather warmly by those that know me.

Today (Thursday):
I went to school and (the best part) experienced no harassment. None. Basically, not a single f*** was given today. Sure, there were a few slip-ups with name and pronouns, but that's to be expected. After school, some friends and I went to get my eyebrows done (they look great!), then went to the South Hill mall for a little shopping (didn't get much for myself - just two v-necks), and then came back home.

This was all a LOT more exciting than I make it sound, and trust me, I could have made it sound pretty darn exciting. But, frankly, I'm too tired to do so. It's been a long, exciting, and exhausting few days, and I have school tomorrow. So you will just have to deal with this summary. And you will be happy with it.

More updates?

Wow. I should really write more often. It seems like I spend most of my time surfing mindlessly through Facebook, playing Minecraft, and other such meaningless things. Though I have been working quite a bit on a few films and scripts, one of which I will (hopefully) be filming next week. The two main ones I've been working on are the big feature length film, and a horror film. The horror film is, well... scary. It involves a guy getting back at his best friend for stealing his girlfriend, but they all end up getting killed by a serial killer. I would say more, but... I don't want to spoil the plot, since I will be making that this year, and hope to show it in my town's annual Film Festival. It will probably take a while to make it, since it's about 20 minutes long, and I have yet to start filming it, let alone knowing where we will be filming... But, on a positive note, I will hopefully have a soundtrack and musical score for it, compliments of a friend and his band (you guys ARE going to help, right, Recoil?). As for the other film... I have modified the story quite a bit. Whereas it started out as a vampire story, then became a demon story... It is now about witches. It still has the magic stuff, but an entirely new plot. In a short summary, a witch is running away after committing a terrible crime, so she hides out in the main character (literally. She possesses her). After a little while, she accidentally kills a cheerleader, and the police, the cheerleaders boyfriend, and his best friend, get involved, trying to find the perpetrator. Meanwhile, a few mages are looking for the witch, and come to the town. One of them teams up with the boyfriend, saying he knows how the girl was killed. Also meanwhile, the best friend and the main girl become a couple (wish I could explain in more detail). After a little while, the boyfriend tries to kill the main character, the mage shows up to witness it, and a huge fight scene commences, resulting in the capture of the witch. And... That's pretty much the story. Still working on it, and it will probably be partially rewritten again, but... I like it. And unfortunately it's gonna take a lot to make it. Probably not going to even start on it till next school year, at the VERY earliest.

Anyways. This is supposed to be an update, right? So... How about I get back on topic?

Life has been good. My family is using my name and pronouns a lot more, and they are getting pretty good at it now. I am doing okay in my classes (well.....), and am starting to look at colleges. Particularly colleges with good film programs (thinking of Bellevue...), seeing as I plan to have a film career after high school. I mean, I feel like I was MADE to do this! Video production is fast becoming my life. Unfortunately for me... It's a lot easier to write a film than it is to actually make it (film and edit it). Especially when the film is over 10 minutes long. And has a bunch of special effects.

Other than that... I am preparing to come out to my classmates, though it won't really be a coming out, so much as a "Things are going to be...different, tomorrow. Just roll with it," then come to school the next day wearing somewhat feminine clothes and a touch of makeup. It should be interesting to see if and how people will react... Oh, almost forgot: it will happen December 12th to the 13th. On the 12th I will give the heads up, and the 13th will be my first day out and about in school.

Wish me luck! (even though it's about 3 weeks away)