I'm a very lucky person. I have a fairly feminine face, I have a decently passable voice, I barely put any effort into passing, my entire family is, at the very least, accepting of me, as is most of my school (including the staff), I've been on hormones since I turned 16 and I was able to pass well only a few months later, my body shape has become much more feminine and I'm fairly skinny... The list goes on and on and on.
But you know what? I haven't always felt lucky. Many times in the past year, I've felt like the unluckiest person in the world. I thought that nobody would ever truly see me as a girl. I though that I looked too masculine to pass. And, no matter how many times people told me that I was a beautiful young woman, I rarely ever believed them. Even today, I still have trouble taking some compliments. Whenever someone looked at me in the halls, I always assumed that there was something about me that didn't pass. Were my shoulders too noticeable? Were my boobs not noticeable enough? Was my face too masculine? Did I not walk like a girl? It never occurred to me that that wasn't why people, particularly guys, were looking at me. I had trouble believing it, and I still do, but, apparently, I was/am pretty damn attractive, especially for someone who spent 16 years as a guy. Hell, I'm pretty sure that I've made a lot of guys at my school question their sexuality. But I never thought of that. I always thought that people looked at me like I was a freak. My friends always told me not to listen to "them," but nobody was saying anything negative to me, or about me; at least, not within my earshot. How do you not listen to people who aren't saying anything that you can hear? Regardless, my self-esteem was really low for most of the year after coming out, and it wasn't until June that I realized that my friends were right about me. I was beautiful. My voice did pass. I did look very feminine. By then, I'd started listening to my friends. I started socializing more. And, over the summer, I met a guy. An amazing guy. Now, I don't know what will happen between us in the coming months. We may get together, or it may not work out, or we'll just be friends. Who knows? All I know is how he's made me feel. He is the first straight cis guy that has shown interest in me, even knowing that I'm trans*. And, to me, that's a very special thing. And the way he makes me feel when we're together, or even when I think about him... I've never felt this way about someone. Ever.
Looking back, I'm remember all the times when I've complained about being single to so many of my friends (who by now are probably sick of hearing me whine), and how they would try and cheer me up by telling me that I'll find someone in college, at the least. Then I remember how he pretty much appeared in my life not long ago, and I start to laugh at how desperate I was last year.
I'm a very lucky person, and I've learned to stop complaining about my minuscule problems.
Okay, okay, I've learned to at least complain a lot less, and only about serious things. There, is that more realistic?
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
So long, and thank's for all the fish
I will be taking a hiatus from this blog for a while (or forever), and this may be my lost post here. Now, I MAY branch over into Tumblr, but I really doubt it.
Why am I suddenly ending my blog? Well, I just feel that blogging isn't really for me anymore, at least at the current time. I may resume blogging come senior year, but then again, I may not. I'm kinda just fed up with the idea of blogging my feelings, beliefs, experiences, etc., when I already have a Facebook account. Which I use as a kind of blog. just with more picture sharing.
Also, I'm taking a bit of a break from the whole trans* and LGBTQ stuff for a while. I'm not a trans* girl, I'm just a girl. I'm not bi/pansexual, I just have the capacity to love people, regardless of their gender. That's all I ever want to be: a girl that can love people. And that's all I want to be seen as. So, for the foreseeable future, I will not be using this blog. I won't completely shut it down, I just won't be adding new content.
Why am I suddenly ending my blog? Well, I just feel that blogging isn't really for me anymore, at least at the current time. I may resume blogging come senior year, but then again, I may not. I'm kinda just fed up with the idea of blogging my feelings, beliefs, experiences, etc., when I already have a Facebook account. Which I use as a kind of blog. just with more picture sharing.
Also, I'm taking a bit of a break from the whole trans* and LGBTQ stuff for a while. I'm not a trans* girl, I'm just a girl. I'm not bi/pansexual, I just have the capacity to love people, regardless of their gender. That's all I ever want to be: a girl that can love people. And that's all I want to be seen as. So, for the foreseeable future, I will not be using this blog. I won't completely shut it down, I just won't be adding new content.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Summer!!!
Yay summer!... Not that what we're having in the PNW right now can be considered summer. Clouds. Clouds everywhere. Well, we did have a few sunny days last week, one of which I spent at Deep Lake with a friend and a few of her friends. There were two great parts of that trip: I got to play Magic with a bunch of other people in a non-tournament setting, and it was the first day that I had ever worn a bikini top. I was pretty nervous at first, considering that I think of myself as a bit overweight, but everything was fine, and I actually felt comfortable exposing nearly my entire torso (having been used to just taking off my shirt and jumping in the water kinda helped in that regard).
Anyways.
Since school got out for the summer, I've had alternately boring and packed days. Between sitting at home playing Pokemon and Star Wars Battlefront 2, going out on a major summer shopping trip w/ my mom, getting my name and gender marker changed on my social security card.... It's been, well, interesting. Oh, and I even had a date on the 15th!
Going into more detail...
The date went pretty well, as far as first dates go. We went and had breakfast at Charlie's, right by Pete's Pool. It was a pretty good breakfast, both the food and the conversation. Isaac is a rather interesting and kinda funny character. While we haven't seen each other since (he's been car shopping for almost two weeks now), we've been talking occasionally. And every time I think of him, it feels like my heart skips a beat and my stomach fills with butterflies. I'm pretty sure I like him; I just hope he feels the same.
Last week my mom and I went up to Seattle to see my doc for a follow-up appointment to check how my blood work went. Turns out my Testosterone level was practically zero, and my Estrogen level was somewhere between 200 and 300. And the tests were done right before I had my next shot of E (which occurs every two weeks), so those are pretty good numbers. Afterward, we went across the street to Nordstrom, where I got re-fitted for a bra, then proceeded to try on nearly 20 different bras that were handed to my by the all-too-helpful clerk. I only found one that I liked that fit well, but it's a pretty darn good bra. After THAT, we drove to the South Center Mall, specifically the Plato's Closet in the area, and proceeded to spend... Well, I'll say this: if we had been shopping across the street in the mall stores, we would have spent at least five times the amount that we did, and I got several tops, shorts, and dresses out of it, including one very nice formal dress that I will be wearing to the formal dinner next week at camp. We then went to a Fred Meyer and bought me a ton of bras and the bikini that I wore to Deep Lake, and proceeded, rather tiredly, home.
Today, we went to the Puyallup DOL to 1) get my mom a new license, since she had lost hers, and 2) change the gender marker on my license. Turns out it was closed, as were pretty much every DOL in the lower Puget Sound. So we went from there to the Social Security Administrative Office in Renton (or Kent, I dunno where we were) to change my name and gender marker on my social security card. After what was probably several hours of waiting, we were called up. The rest took like 10 minutes: the guy scanned the documents, entered a ton of stuff into his computer, then told us that my new card would arrive in the mail within 4 weeks. After that, we went to a Target in Covington, got a little bit of stuff that we forgot to get the previous week, and headed home, where here I sit, writing this post.
Now, all that's left is to wait for two camps and... summer school. On the one hand, CAMP!!!! But on the other, summer school is going to suck. I have to retake TWO failed semesters of English, one each from Sophomore and Junior year. But... CAMP!!! In less than one week, I will be going to my true home, my Heaven-on-Earth, my favorite place in the whole Universe: Pilgrim Firs! (Un)fortunately, camp only lasts a week, but I hope that it's enough time to catch up with my friends, make new ones, and have a ton of fun. Then, sometime in mid-July, I'm going to the Reel Queer Youth Film Camp in the Seattle area, which also lasts a week. It's pretty self explanatory: it's a film camp for queer youth. Other than that... I don't know much about it.
Anyways.
Since school got out for the summer, I've had alternately boring and packed days. Between sitting at home playing Pokemon and Star Wars Battlefront 2, going out on a major summer shopping trip w/ my mom, getting my name and gender marker changed on my social security card.... It's been, well, interesting. Oh, and I even had a date on the 15th!
Going into more detail...
The date went pretty well, as far as first dates go. We went and had breakfast at Charlie's, right by Pete's Pool. It was a pretty good breakfast, both the food and the conversation. Isaac is a rather interesting and kinda funny character. While we haven't seen each other since (he's been car shopping for almost two weeks now), we've been talking occasionally. And every time I think of him, it feels like my heart skips a beat and my stomach fills with butterflies. I'm pretty sure I like him; I just hope he feels the same.
Last week my mom and I went up to Seattle to see my doc for a follow-up appointment to check how my blood work went. Turns out my Testosterone level was practically zero, and my Estrogen level was somewhere between 200 and 300. And the tests were done right before I had my next shot of E (which occurs every two weeks), so those are pretty good numbers. Afterward, we went across the street to Nordstrom, where I got re-fitted for a bra, then proceeded to try on nearly 20 different bras that were handed to my by the all-too-helpful clerk. I only found one that I liked that fit well, but it's a pretty darn good bra. After THAT, we drove to the South Center Mall, specifically the Plato's Closet in the area, and proceeded to spend... Well, I'll say this: if we had been shopping across the street in the mall stores, we would have spent at least five times the amount that we did, and I got several tops, shorts, and dresses out of it, including one very nice formal dress that I will be wearing to the formal dinner next week at camp. We then went to a Fred Meyer and bought me a ton of bras and the bikini that I wore to Deep Lake, and proceeded, rather tiredly, home.
Today, we went to the Puyallup DOL to 1) get my mom a new license, since she had lost hers, and 2) change the gender marker on my license. Turns out it was closed, as were pretty much every DOL in the lower Puget Sound. So we went from there to the Social Security Administrative Office in Renton (or Kent, I dunno where we were) to change my name and gender marker on my social security card. After what was probably several hours of waiting, we were called up. The rest took like 10 minutes: the guy scanned the documents, entered a ton of stuff into his computer, then told us that my new card would arrive in the mail within 4 weeks. After that, we went to a Target in Covington, got a little bit of stuff that we forgot to get the previous week, and headed home, where here I sit, writing this post.
Now, all that's left is to wait for two camps and... summer school. On the one hand, CAMP!!!! But on the other, summer school is going to suck. I have to retake TWO failed semesters of English, one each from Sophomore and Junior year. But... CAMP!!! In less than one week, I will be going to my true home, my Heaven-on-Earth, my favorite place in the whole Universe: Pilgrim Firs! (Un)fortunately, camp only lasts a week, but I hope that it's enough time to catch up with my friends, make new ones, and have a ton of fun. Then, sometime in mid-July, I'm going to the Reel Queer Youth Film Camp in the Seattle area, which also lasts a week. It's pretty self explanatory: it's a film camp for queer youth. Other than that... I don't know much about it.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
The good, the bad, and the pretty...
Okay, good-news-bad-news time.
The good:
School is almost out for the summer, I've only failed one class (2nd semester of English), I'm getting ready for a date with a pretty amazing guy this Saturday, and I recently attended the 2013 EHS Adventure Film Festival, 10th Anniversary.
The bad:
I failed half of my English class, barely passed half of my other classes this semester, none of my films made it into the film fest (though I was an extra in a TON that did), and the guy I'm going on a date with doesn't know that I'm trans (I think).
The pretty detailed:
I just didn't really do any school work this semester, and I've payed for it. Let's face it, my high school career has just been one big joke. I have like a 2.6 cumulative GPA, and this marks the second semester of English that I've failed in the past three years, making it even harder for me to get into college, and also meaning that I have to, essentially, take summer school, otherwise I can't graduate. Because someone, stupidly, made English an essential class, where you have to take and pass 4 years of it to graduate. I would rather be taking a class that will actually help me in the work force, not learning about ancient literature styles. I don't write novels or essays, I write blog posts and screenplays. And, apparently, I'm pretty good at that. As for my dip in grades.... Well, nothing has happened to me that would cause that, other than a total disinterest in school, and the new MTG set, Dragon's Maze, came out a month ago. So I've been pretty involved in Magic for a little while, though that seems to be tapering off. For now. Also, in about 6 days, I will have reached the 8 month anniversary of my starting Estrogen, and, well, let's just say I seriously need to go bra shopping. Actually, I just need to go shopping in general; I have next to nothing in the way of summer wear, and no good formal dress for the formal dinner at the end of the church camp I'm attending in less than 3 weeks. On the plus side, I (hopefully) have a date on Saturday, to get frozen yogurt (and maybe do something else afterward, but that's TBD). But, like I said, he doesn't know that I'm trans, and I honestly have no idea how or when to tell him (though I'm pretty sure it should be face to face). I've talked to several people, and received various responses from various questions. I asked several guys I know what they would do if the girl they'd been dating for several weeks told them that she had been born male, and they ranged from "I wouldn't be bothered, since I love her for who she is" to "I'd go insane." I asked some girls for advice, and got "Text him right now and tell him" to "Go on a few dates, see how much you like each other and trust each other, then tell him face to face, before you do anything remotely sexual." I'm thoroughly confused as to what to do, and we haven't even gone on one date yet. We met at the film fest a week ago, sat next to each other, and basically flirted the whole time (he even bought me popcorn and a drink during the intermission).
Something else I've noticed: since starting Estrogen, I have matured SO MUCH. Whereas people used to look at me as an unsociable jerk, they now see me as a fairly sociable, nice young woman. I guess it's true that women mature faster than men.
On a final note, I am REALLY excited for camp in less than 3 weeks! This will be the first camp that I REALLY get to be myself around the people I know and love (being the first time that I will feel totally comfortable being out), and it will be an awesome week! Plus, I'm probably going to drive myself this year!
The good:
School is almost out for the summer, I've only failed one class (2nd semester of English), I'm getting ready for a date with a pretty amazing guy this Saturday, and I recently attended the 2013 EHS Adventure Film Festival, 10th Anniversary.
The bad:
I failed half of my English class, barely passed half of my other classes this semester, none of my films made it into the film fest (though I was an extra in a TON that did), and the guy I'm going on a date with doesn't know that I'm trans (I think).
The pretty detailed:
I just didn't really do any school work this semester, and I've payed for it. Let's face it, my high school career has just been one big joke. I have like a 2.6 cumulative GPA, and this marks the second semester of English that I've failed in the past three years, making it even harder for me to get into college, and also meaning that I have to, essentially, take summer school, otherwise I can't graduate. Because someone, stupidly, made English an essential class, where you have to take and pass 4 years of it to graduate. I would rather be taking a class that will actually help me in the work force, not learning about ancient literature styles. I don't write novels or essays, I write blog posts and screenplays. And, apparently, I'm pretty good at that. As for my dip in grades.... Well, nothing has happened to me that would cause that, other than a total disinterest in school, and the new MTG set, Dragon's Maze, came out a month ago. So I've been pretty involved in Magic for a little while, though that seems to be tapering off. For now. Also, in about 6 days, I will have reached the 8 month anniversary of my starting Estrogen, and, well, let's just say I seriously need to go bra shopping. Actually, I just need to go shopping in general; I have next to nothing in the way of summer wear, and no good formal dress for the formal dinner at the end of the church camp I'm attending in less than 3 weeks. On the plus side, I (hopefully) have a date on Saturday, to get frozen yogurt (and maybe do something else afterward, but that's TBD). But, like I said, he doesn't know that I'm trans, and I honestly have no idea how or when to tell him (though I'm pretty sure it should be face to face). I've talked to several people, and received various responses from various questions. I asked several guys I know what they would do if the girl they'd been dating for several weeks told them that she had been born male, and they ranged from "I wouldn't be bothered, since I love her for who she is" to "I'd go insane." I asked some girls for advice, and got "Text him right now and tell him" to "Go on a few dates, see how much you like each other and trust each other, then tell him face to face, before you do anything remotely sexual." I'm thoroughly confused as to what to do, and we haven't even gone on one date yet. We met at the film fest a week ago, sat next to each other, and basically flirted the whole time (he even bought me popcorn and a drink during the intermission).
Something else I've noticed: since starting Estrogen, I have matured SO MUCH. Whereas people used to look at me as an unsociable jerk, they now see me as a fairly sociable, nice young woman. I guess it's true that women mature faster than men.
On a final note, I am REALLY excited for camp in less than 3 weeks! This will be the first camp that I REALLY get to be myself around the people I know and love (being the first time that I will feel totally comfortable being out), and it will be an awesome week! Plus, I'm probably going to drive myself this year!
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
I have issues
"Whoa! Jennifer's writing another post after only a few days? What's happened to her?!"
I know, I know, shocking, isn't it; me writing again so soon. But I just wanted to vent a little, and maybe explain a few things.
Many years ago, all I really wanted was to wake up one day as a girl. To look like a girl, sound like a girl, be perceived as a girl... More than money, I wanted to be who I didn't know I was on the outside. I never thought of myself as being a girl in a boy's body. I never told my parents that I wanted/needed to be a girl. I felt that that was just something you didn't tell anyone. I mean, how many straight guys tell their friends "Yeah, so, I need to be a girl. Y'all want to go get some lunch?" That just doesn't happen, and that's exactly why I stayed silent for so long; I didn't want to be more of an outcast than I already was in middle school, and I didn't really know anyone at first in high school (transferred school districts). It was one of the millions of secrets that I would keep for years.
When my parents found out, well, my dad just didn't talk to me for a few days, and my mom was asking "Why? Why would you choose such a difficult life?" I understand that being a young woman in this day and age isn't always fun, and could be pretty bad at times. But all I said was "Because it's who I am." It didn't really hit me until then that this was exactly what I wanted: to BE a girl. Not a guy, a girl. A young woman. My mom later went on to tell me all the challenges I would face even presenting as a cisgender girl, let alone being a trans* girl. Did it sway my judgement? Obviously not.
But now I know a bit of what she was talking about. Only a little, but enough. Being a girl is a LOT harder than being a guy, and I'm speaking from experience. It doesn't always seem like I'm trying to impress people, but in reality I am; I don't want to appear to be a slob, I want to be perceived as a pretty/beautiful girl (doesn't always work, but I try). Yes, I put on makeup (occasionally), do my hair (and get frustrated when it doesn't cooperate), agonize over which top works best with which pants, and which combination flatters my figure the most, shave my legs... Pretty much everything that other girls my age do. Except I'm still learning, while they've had years of, well, practice, to get it all down, while I was thrown into it 6 months ago. So don't blame me for slipping up every once in a while, though I have made remarkable progress for not having done anything "girly" before coming out, save for a few times at church camp.
But there's another thing. Even though I have tiny boobs, they're starting to get kind of annoying. I mean, I'm glad I finally have boobs and all, but, well, they get in the way. It's painful to sleep on my stomach now (which is pretty much how I've slept for years). And worst of all is probably when I'm eating: I have a tendency to lean back in whatever I'm sitting in when I eat, AND I like to wear v-neck shirts... Let's just say it's really awkward to fish food out of your bra in the middle of lunch. I'm not saying I do that, but... Well, it sucks. Food and boobs do not work well together, especially when an open-necked shirt is thrown in to the equation. And speaking of equations...
A month ago, I took the AP Calculus exam, which I'm pretty sure I bombed. REALLY wish I had been studying for months in advance. Now that the end of the school year is literally a week away, we don't really do much in any of my classes, but that doesn't mean any of us, especially me, are in the clear yet. See, I'm on the verge of failing about half of my classes this semester, and I AM failing this semester's English. Ironic, since I'm writing this, and I hope to one day (hopefully soon) make a living by writing scripts (and maybe even novels). Plus, I have the most relaxed English teacher in this school (I'm pretty sure I went over this in the last post, but I'm saying it again, regardless). Last I checked, my semester grade is at less than a 50%. He says that he'll pass me if I can get this one research paper done and turned in (I was gone for nearly a week that the class was working on it), but....... I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know what to research, I don't know how to put it all together... I'm lost, and it's too late to ask for help.
Well, overall, things seem to be going just great!... I wish I could say that, but I would be lying if I did.
I know, I know, shocking, isn't it; me writing again so soon. But I just wanted to vent a little, and maybe explain a few things.
Many years ago, all I really wanted was to wake up one day as a girl. To look like a girl, sound like a girl, be perceived as a girl... More than money, I wanted to be who I didn't know I was on the outside. I never thought of myself as being a girl in a boy's body. I never told my parents that I wanted/needed to be a girl. I felt that that was just something you didn't tell anyone. I mean, how many straight guys tell their friends "Yeah, so, I need to be a girl. Y'all want to go get some lunch?" That just doesn't happen, and that's exactly why I stayed silent for so long; I didn't want to be more of an outcast than I already was in middle school, and I didn't really know anyone at first in high school (transferred school districts). It was one of the millions of secrets that I would keep for years.
When my parents found out, well, my dad just didn't talk to me for a few days, and my mom was asking "Why? Why would you choose such a difficult life?" I understand that being a young woman in this day and age isn't always fun, and could be pretty bad at times. But all I said was "Because it's who I am." It didn't really hit me until then that this was exactly what I wanted: to BE a girl. Not a guy, a girl. A young woman. My mom later went on to tell me all the challenges I would face even presenting as a cisgender girl, let alone being a trans* girl. Did it sway my judgement? Obviously not.
But now I know a bit of what she was talking about. Only a little, but enough. Being a girl is a LOT harder than being a guy, and I'm speaking from experience. It doesn't always seem like I'm trying to impress people, but in reality I am; I don't want to appear to be a slob, I want to be perceived as a pretty/beautiful girl (doesn't always work, but I try). Yes, I put on makeup (occasionally), do my hair (and get frustrated when it doesn't cooperate), agonize over which top works best with which pants, and which combination flatters my figure the most, shave my legs... Pretty much everything that other girls my age do. Except I'm still learning, while they've had years of, well, practice, to get it all down, while I was thrown into it 6 months ago. So don't blame me for slipping up every once in a while, though I have made remarkable progress for not having done anything "girly" before coming out, save for a few times at church camp.
But there's another thing. Even though I have tiny boobs, they're starting to get kind of annoying. I mean, I'm glad I finally have boobs and all, but, well, they get in the way. It's painful to sleep on my stomach now (which is pretty much how I've slept for years). And worst of all is probably when I'm eating: I have a tendency to lean back in whatever I'm sitting in when I eat, AND I like to wear v-neck shirts... Let's just say it's really awkward to fish food out of your bra in the middle of lunch. I'm not saying I do that, but... Well, it sucks. Food and boobs do not work well together, especially when an open-necked shirt is thrown in to the equation. And speaking of equations...
A month ago, I took the AP Calculus exam, which I'm pretty sure I bombed. REALLY wish I had been studying for months in advance. Now that the end of the school year is literally a week away, we don't really do much in any of my classes, but that doesn't mean any of us, especially me, are in the clear yet. See, I'm on the verge of failing about half of my classes this semester, and I AM failing this semester's English. Ironic, since I'm writing this, and I hope to one day (hopefully soon) make a living by writing scripts (and maybe even novels). Plus, I have the most relaxed English teacher in this school (I'm pretty sure I went over this in the last post, but I'm saying it again, regardless). Last I checked, my semester grade is at less than a 50%. He says that he'll pass me if I can get this one research paper done and turned in (I was gone for nearly a week that the class was working on it), but....... I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know what to research, I don't know how to put it all together... I'm lost, and it's too late to ask for help.
Well, overall, things seem to be going just great!... I wish I could say that, but I would be lying if I did.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Moving things along
Here I am, only 11 days away from the end of the school year, and it feels like it went by too fast. Of course, it always does. At the beginning of the year, we think "This is going to take forever," then, at the end of the year, it's "That happened too fast." And, looking back, I have been out and living as female for more than half of this school year (out for five and a half months). And I've been on Estrogen for seven and a half months.
The picture on the right was taken at the beginning of my sophomore year (2011-12), while the picture on the right was take less than a month ago. It's amazing how much I've changed since then, even since starting hormones. My butt is kinda huge, my breasts are, well, developing, my waist is more defined... It truly is amazing how much has changed. Just imagine being in one of my classes and seeing that sort of change (heck, it was a huge change even in the week that I came out - two days I looked like a guy, two days a girl).
On to more relevant matters, namely my utter failure in school. My grades are depressing, I'll probably fail this semester's English (ironic, since I have the most laid-back English teacher at the school), and I haven't gotten any filming done for class. Though that will all change next year. Next year... Will be interesting. To start with, it'll be senior year, and we all know how much stress that is, what with senior projects, catching up on failed classes, looking around for colleges and scholarships, working and saving up for college.... To make matters more interesting, though, is the fact that, while I will not have a job, I will (hopefully) be running my own videography business, where I will be filming 'important functions,' such as weddings, dance recitals, plays, etc. This year alone, I filmed 2/3rds (4 out of 6) of the drama departments productions, and was only recently finally able to sell parts of them in a highlights dvd (10 minutes or less from each production, highlighting the best of each). Also, next year I hope to be more involved with drama, filming ALL of the plays and the musical, including "behind the scenes," which would be what goes into making a play/musical, of which I will use in a documentary of the EHS drama department that will span the whole year. That's right, I'm making a 9 month long documentary. As well as acting in the musical, and potentially a play ("Julius Caesar," by William Shakespeare). And I'm hoping to make at least one feature film (over 30 minutes). Let's just say, when it comes to filming anything next year, I'm going to need a little help...
Now that I've established how hectic next year will be... Let's finish out this year and have an awesome summer!
On to more relevant matters, namely my utter failure in school. My grades are depressing, I'll probably fail this semester's English (ironic, since I have the most laid-back English teacher at the school), and I haven't gotten any filming done for class. Though that will all change next year. Next year... Will be interesting. To start with, it'll be senior year, and we all know how much stress that is, what with senior projects, catching up on failed classes, looking around for colleges and scholarships, working and saving up for college.... To make matters more interesting, though, is the fact that, while I will not have a job, I will (hopefully) be running my own videography business, where I will be filming 'important functions,' such as weddings, dance recitals, plays, etc. This year alone, I filmed 2/3rds (4 out of 6) of the drama departments productions, and was only recently finally able to sell parts of them in a highlights dvd (10 minutes or less from each production, highlighting the best of each). Also, next year I hope to be more involved with drama, filming ALL of the plays and the musical, including "behind the scenes," which would be what goes into making a play/musical, of which I will use in a documentary of the EHS drama department that will span the whole year. That's right, I'm making a 9 month long documentary. As well as acting in the musical, and potentially a play ("Julius Caesar," by William Shakespeare). And I'm hoping to make at least one feature film (over 30 minutes). Let's just say, when it comes to filming anything next year, I'm going to need a little help...
Now that I've established how hectic next year will be... Let's finish out this year and have an awesome summer!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
It's been WAY too long...
Wow, look how time flies. I've barely had a spare moment to give thought to this blog in about a month or two, and in that time a LOT has happened, most of which I hardly remember, if at all.
I came out in December of 2012, just over 4 months ago. Since then, I have been living full time, meaning that I do everything as Jennifer, and no longer as Patrick. Sure, I may wear my old guy clothes as pajamas, but come on. They're pretty darn comfy, and actually kind of big now. I started taking Estrogen pills on my birthday in October, and I just started taking injections yesterday (been on E for 6 months now!). My boobs aren't the biggest yet, but I'm fine with that (for now). My hips aren't that big either, but somehow I have a huge butt. Not HUGE huge, but a lot bigger than it used to be. My hair is a lot longer now (last big haircut was over 20 months ago), and I've finally gained the confidence to wear it down more often (I've been putting it up in a bun for a while). My wardrobe has barely increased (sadly), but that's probably because whenever I get money, I blow it on Magic: the Gathering cards (nerd alert). Which is such a good waste of money, when I should be saving up for college, or a laptop, or a car, or something more practical.
In my video class.... There, things start to fall apart. See, I have grandiose plans for next year. But that's the problem: I don't know what to do the rest of this year. I love to write scripts, but I can never film them, mostly because I never write easy, one-person scripts. But no, I have to write 20 characters into each! Plus, nobody can/is willing to commit. Either they are already in a group, don't want to work, don't want to work with me, have jobs, have a ton of homework, are in different classes, or are failing a class. Do many reasons why people can't work with me. I mean, I have a bunch of stuff I could make next year, that's realistic, but not enough time or actors to make this year. On a better note, the Video Club is finally working on our big project for this year, and we will be doing most of the remaining shoots in the middle weeks of May ("Hell weeks") so as to have the film done by the time the Enumclaw Film Festival rolls around in late May/early June. One thing that I will tell you about this film: it will be awesome. And hilarious. Trust me, I've helped film a few shots here and there.
Oh, and it seems that I now have an unpaying job working as the videographer for the high school's drama teacher, Mr. Miller. How it works is that I film a play/musical that the drama program is putting on. I then make a DVD with that footage, and give the one copy I make to him, free of charge. It's fun and all, but I'm hoping to eventually get some better rewards than just a free show. Granted, being able to see the show in general is a pleasant and wholesome experience, but....
Regardless, I have been having a series of rather happy past few weeks, and I hope that I can finish up this year even happier. Oh, and spring break starts tomorrow after school. And the Day of Silence starts tomorrow before school. And I'm having a friend or two come over. Then I have to go film the second day of the show (Antigone).
Tomorrow is going to be busy...
I came out in December of 2012, just over 4 months ago. Since then, I have been living full time, meaning that I do everything as Jennifer, and no longer as Patrick. Sure, I may wear my old guy clothes as pajamas, but come on. They're pretty darn comfy, and actually kind of big now. I started taking Estrogen pills on my birthday in October, and I just started taking injections yesterday (been on E for 6 months now!). My boobs aren't the biggest yet, but I'm fine with that (for now). My hips aren't that big either, but somehow I have a huge butt. Not HUGE huge, but a lot bigger than it used to be. My hair is a lot longer now (last big haircut was over 20 months ago), and I've finally gained the confidence to wear it down more often (I've been putting it up in a bun for a while). My wardrobe has barely increased (sadly), but that's probably because whenever I get money, I blow it on Magic: the Gathering cards (nerd alert). Which is such a good waste of money, when I should be saving up for college, or a laptop, or a car, or something more practical.
In my video class.... There, things start to fall apart. See, I have grandiose plans for next year. But that's the problem: I don't know what to do the rest of this year. I love to write scripts, but I can never film them, mostly because I never write easy, one-person scripts. But no, I have to write 20 characters into each! Plus, nobody can/is willing to commit. Either they are already in a group, don't want to work, don't want to work with me, have jobs, have a ton of homework, are in different classes, or are failing a class. Do many reasons why people can't work with me. I mean, I have a bunch of stuff I could make next year, that's realistic, but not enough time or actors to make this year. On a better note, the Video Club is finally working on our big project for this year, and we will be doing most of the remaining shoots in the middle weeks of May ("Hell weeks") so as to have the film done by the time the Enumclaw Film Festival rolls around in late May/early June. One thing that I will tell you about this film: it will be awesome. And hilarious. Trust me, I've helped film a few shots here and there.
Oh, and it seems that I now have an unpaying job working as the videographer for the high school's drama teacher, Mr. Miller. How it works is that I film a play/musical that the drama program is putting on. I then make a DVD with that footage, and give the one copy I make to him, free of charge. It's fun and all, but I'm hoping to eventually get some better rewards than just a free show. Granted, being able to see the show in general is a pleasant and wholesome experience, but....
Regardless, I have been having a series of rather happy past few weeks, and I hope that I can finish up this year even happier. Oh, and spring break starts tomorrow after school. And the Day of Silence starts tomorrow before school. And I'm having a friend or two come over. Then I have to go film the second day of the show (Antigone).
Tomorrow is going to be busy...
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Valentines Day?
Wow, it's been WAY too long since I last posted anything... And a lot has happened since.
First of all, things have been going well in school. My grades aren't that bad, and I'm actually getting stuff done, including filming stuff. At least, filming stuff for grades...
Last Thursday or so, I hung out with a friend, and we went and got me some makeup (liquid eyeliner and some foundation), then went back to her place, where she taught me how to apply it (still working on the eyeliner..), and I enjoyed eating fajitas as well. All in all, a fun evening.
Last weekend, my church's youth group, myself, and several other youth groups from other neighboring churches all went up to Snoqualamie for about 2 hours of tubing and hanging it. It was fun, but I would have it say it was more fun seeing my friends than actually tubing, seeing as I only got a chance to go down the runs about 5 or 6 times...
Earlier this week, either Monday or Tuesday... I felt really insecure (still kinda do). I just felt like breaking down... I mean, I don't sound even remotely like a girl (still sound like a guy), and other slightly nonsensical stuff that I don't remember now. All I know is, I felt like shit for like two days.
Yesterday, the GSA at my school had a Valentines Day party, where we watched Easy A and ate a bunch of pizza. Which was fun, since I love that movie!!
Today.... Well, today started out shitty. I woke up too late, had next to no time to do anything with my hair, none for makeup, and barely any time to get dressed. I then had to rush downstairs, grab my backpack, a camera bag, tripod, breakfast and lunch, and put on shoes. I burst out the front door to see my mom and sister driving down the hill, and my dad refused to take me down or let me drive his jeep. "Look's like you'll have to walk down to your mom's office," (her office is only about two and a half miles away from our house, but that's a hell of a long way to walk carrying what I had). I just stared at him, dumbfounded, until it occurred that I could just ride a bike down to her office and drive from there (I usually drive to school on Thursdays). So, I biked down (literally, downhill) a three quarter mile long dirt/gravel driveway (which is still wet from all the rain we've had), getting my jeans soaked from the spray kicked up by the tires. I then biked another mile or so, quickly realizing that the tires weren't quite so full of air. I stopped after a little while, called my mom, debated ranting at her, decided against it, and asked her to pick me up at a nearby location. She did, and I put the bike and the rest of my stuff (backpack, camera bag, and tripod) into the car. I drove, dropped her off at her office, then went to school. I got there just in time to hear the morning announcements as I was walking to my locker. I feel like I'm gonna make a movie out of this..
Aside from that, the only other things worth noting are about Valentines Day itself. Sure, I hate it when single girls complain that they don't have a boyfriend. Yet they don't complain so much every other day of the year. However, I myself have joined the ranks of the complainers, and for good reason, I feel.
See, most girls don't get boyfriends because of their weight, their hair, or what their face looks like. Even the size of their boobs. However, they can all do something about that, whether it be exercise or using makeup. And then there's me. I can do makeup and hair (kind of), and I am relatively skinny. But pretty much everyone in my school knows me as having been a guy. Having a dick. And, as far as I know, any guy at school would be considered gay by his peers were they to date me. Not because I really look like a guy, but because I have a dick. Which can't be fixed until I'm 18 and have a chunk of change. Not to mention that I still sound like a guy (working on training my voice, but...). So, yeah. I'm single on Valentines Day. For good reason, it would seem... Woop de doo.
Happy Single's Awareness Day, everyone!!
First of all, things have been going well in school. My grades aren't that bad, and I'm actually getting stuff done, including filming stuff. At least, filming stuff for grades...
Last Thursday or so, I hung out with a friend, and we went and got me some makeup (liquid eyeliner and some foundation), then went back to her place, where she taught me how to apply it (still working on the eyeliner..), and I enjoyed eating fajitas as well. All in all, a fun evening.
Last weekend, my church's youth group, myself, and several other youth groups from other neighboring churches all went up to Snoqualamie for about 2 hours of tubing and hanging it. It was fun, but I would have it say it was more fun seeing my friends than actually tubing, seeing as I only got a chance to go down the runs about 5 or 6 times...
Earlier this week, either Monday or Tuesday... I felt really insecure (still kinda do). I just felt like breaking down... I mean, I don't sound even remotely like a girl (still sound like a guy), and other slightly nonsensical stuff that I don't remember now. All I know is, I felt like shit for like two days.
Yesterday, the GSA at my school had a Valentines Day party, where we watched Easy A and ate a bunch of pizza. Which was fun, since I love that movie!!
Today.... Well, today started out shitty. I woke up too late, had next to no time to do anything with my hair, none for makeup, and barely any time to get dressed. I then had to rush downstairs, grab my backpack, a camera bag, tripod, breakfast and lunch, and put on shoes. I burst out the front door to see my mom and sister driving down the hill, and my dad refused to take me down or let me drive his jeep. "Look's like you'll have to walk down to your mom's office," (her office is only about two and a half miles away from our house, but that's a hell of a long way to walk carrying what I had). I just stared at him, dumbfounded, until it occurred that I could just ride a bike down to her office and drive from there (I usually drive to school on Thursdays). So, I biked down (literally, downhill) a three quarter mile long dirt/gravel driveway (which is still wet from all the rain we've had), getting my jeans soaked from the spray kicked up by the tires. I then biked another mile or so, quickly realizing that the tires weren't quite so full of air. I stopped after a little while, called my mom, debated ranting at her, decided against it, and asked her to pick me up at a nearby location. She did, and I put the bike and the rest of my stuff (backpack, camera bag, and tripod) into the car. I drove, dropped her off at her office, then went to school. I got there just in time to hear the morning announcements as I was walking to my locker. I feel like I'm gonna make a movie out of this..
Aside from that, the only other things worth noting are about Valentines Day itself. Sure, I hate it when single girls complain that they don't have a boyfriend. Yet they don't complain so much every other day of the year. However, I myself have joined the ranks of the complainers, and for good reason, I feel.
See, most girls don't get boyfriends because of their weight, their hair, or what their face looks like. Even the size of their boobs. However, they can all do something about that, whether it be exercise or using makeup. And then there's me. I can do makeup and hair (kind of), and I am relatively skinny. But pretty much everyone in my school knows me as having been a guy. Having a dick. And, as far as I know, any guy at school would be considered gay by his peers were they to date me. Not because I really look like a guy, but because I have a dick. Which can't be fixed until I'm 18 and have a chunk of change. Not to mention that I still sound like a guy (working on training my voice, but...). So, yeah. I'm single on Valentines Day. For good reason, it would seem... Woop de doo.
Happy Single's Awareness Day, everyone!!
Monday, January 21, 2013
MLK Jr. weekend (and camp!)
This past weekend has been a blast. There's no other way to say that (okay, maybe there is, I just can't think of anything better at the moment). I had a lot of fun, seeing old friends, and meeting new ones (whom I still have yet to find on Facebook...). Let's face it: camp is awesome. And I am sad to realize that I have less than 20 days left at camp (2 weeks and one weekend are all I have left) until I graduate, and aren't allowed back as a camper (granted, there are young adult retreats, but it won't be the same). That being said, I shall enjoy what is left of my days at the Sr. High camps.
Anyways.
Friday was, to begin with... Boring. I went to school. What else is new. We did some stuff in history, attended an assembly for Martin Luther King, Jr., watched some new video in video productions, learned some math stuff in calculus, some German stuff in German class, chemistry stuff, and some stuff about Huckleberry Finn. The usual. Except for the assembly, obviously. Which was pretty decent, if I may say so myself. Which I will, since I am entitled to my opinions, and am free to express them however I wish. Which would be on the internet.
After school, though, was when things started to get somewhat interesting. Or, should I say, difficult. About an hour after school, I was dropped off at the library in town to work on a project for my chemistry class that was due last year (only a month ago, but hey, it's fun to make these kinds of jokes in January). So, for the next two hours or so, I was sitting in front of a computer working on a Prezi presentation powerpoint thingy. Or, more accurately, I was playing Bloons Tower Defense 5, scrolling through Facebook, and watching some videos on YouTube with a window open to the Prezi document, and a chemistry textbook nearby. I did finish it, though, with about an hours work or so. Or less. Something like that. What matters is that it was done by about five o'clock that afternoon. Shortly after, I was back home, packing various odds and ends (and some clothes, too) into a bag, and taking a nice [short] hot shower (we had been really low on propane for a week or so, so we all had to take very very very short showers, until that Friday afternoon, when it was delivered). Shortly thereafter, we (my dad and I) were out the door, driving down to my mom's office, where they traded me off. Shortly after THAT, I was driving (with my mom in the passenger seat) down 410 towards Port Orchard. If you didn't already know, driving from Enumclaw to Port Orchard is a very, very, very, very long drive. Thankfully, though, we got there around 7:30, which was pretty good time. Really good, in fact.
At camp, I had the chance to reconnect with many of my friends (several of whom said that they were following my Facebook and blog posts), which was something that I really needed. Well, I also needed some chocolate, but they didn't have any, so I settled for the next best thing. Which would be my friends. Shocking, isn't it? I have friends!
I can't really recall everything in detail (or at all) from this past weekend, other than that I had a great time, seeing all my camp friends (you guys are probably getting tired of me talking about how I saw a bunch of my friends), and, well, having a great time. Well, I do remember a certain someone jumping/running into Lake Flora as the parents were arriving (the lake was pretty darn cold, I would imagine). And the various skits that were put on. And the fact that there wasn't any bacon on Saturday morning. Or even sausage patties. However, I think I succeeded rather well in 'fooling' everyone that didn't know me into thinking that I'm cis-gendered (even with my questionable voice). I actually had to explain to one of the counselors that I wasn't involved in an exchange student program (GAPP) because I'm trans, which would be rather awkward if I had a relative stranger staying in my house, and I in theirs...
Coming back home from such a great place isn't very fun. Unless you sleep most of the way back. Then it's okay. But, in all seriousness... It's never pleasant to leave such an awesome place, and such awesome people. Never. I will miss everyone and everything about camp for the next 6 months.
I should finish this up now, before I break down from PCSD (Post-Camp Stress Disorder). *sob*
Anyways.
Friday was, to begin with... Boring. I went to school. What else is new. We did some stuff in history, attended an assembly for Martin Luther King, Jr., watched some new video in video productions, learned some math stuff in calculus, some German stuff in German class, chemistry stuff, and some stuff about Huckleberry Finn. The usual. Except for the assembly, obviously. Which was pretty decent, if I may say so myself. Which I will, since I am entitled to my opinions, and am free to express them however I wish. Which would be on the internet.
After school, though, was when things started to get somewhat interesting. Or, should I say, difficult. About an hour after school, I was dropped off at the library in town to work on a project for my chemistry class that was due last year (only a month ago, but hey, it's fun to make these kinds of jokes in January). So, for the next two hours or so, I was sitting in front of a computer working on a Prezi presentation powerpoint thingy. Or, more accurately, I was playing Bloons Tower Defense 5, scrolling through Facebook, and watching some videos on YouTube with a window open to the Prezi document, and a chemistry textbook nearby. I did finish it, though, with about an hours work or so. Or less. Something like that. What matters is that it was done by about five o'clock that afternoon. Shortly after, I was back home, packing various odds and ends (and some clothes, too) into a bag, and taking a nice [short] hot shower (we had been really low on propane for a week or so, so we all had to take very very very short showers, until that Friday afternoon, when it was delivered). Shortly thereafter, we (my dad and I) were out the door, driving down to my mom's office, where they traded me off. Shortly after THAT, I was driving (with my mom in the passenger seat) down 410 towards Port Orchard. If you didn't already know, driving from Enumclaw to Port Orchard is a very, very, very, very long drive. Thankfully, though, we got there around 7:30, which was pretty good time. Really good, in fact.
At camp, I had the chance to reconnect with many of my friends (several of whom said that they were following my Facebook and blog posts), which was something that I really needed. Well, I also needed some chocolate, but they didn't have any, so I settled for the next best thing. Which would be my friends. Shocking, isn't it? I have friends!
I can't really recall everything in detail (or at all) from this past weekend, other than that I had a great time, seeing all my camp friends (you guys are probably getting tired of me talking about how I saw a bunch of my friends), and, well, having a great time. Well, I do remember a certain someone jumping/running into Lake Flora as the parents were arriving (the lake was pretty darn cold, I would imagine). And the various skits that were put on. And the fact that there wasn't any bacon on Saturday morning. Or even sausage patties. However, I think I succeeded rather well in 'fooling' everyone that didn't know me into thinking that I'm cis-gendered (even with my questionable voice). I actually had to explain to one of the counselors that I wasn't involved in an exchange student program (GAPP) because I'm trans, which would be rather awkward if I had a relative stranger staying in my house, and I in theirs...
Coming back home from such a great place isn't very fun. Unless you sleep most of the way back. Then it's okay. But, in all seriousness... It's never pleasant to leave such an awesome place, and such awesome people. Never. I will miss everyone and everything about camp for the next 6 months.
I should finish this up now, before I break down from PCSD (Post-Camp Stress Disorder). *sob*
Monday, January 14, 2013
Confidence is key
Today, my confidence took a bit of a hit. As I was walking down a hallway (in my school, obviously), a boy was walking past me, staring at me (or, more accurately, at my chest), which I wasn't terribly fond of. Anyways, as I walked past him, I heard him say "The fuck?" What's worse is the somewhat confused look he had on his face as I was walking by him. Later, when I was walking back down the hallway, I passed him again. He didn't say anything this time, just... Stared at me/my boobs/lack there of. Which is what I believe to be what confused him (I mean, I wear a bra and all - it's about an A cup or so - it's just that I have next to no cleavage). Granted, he could have been confused about something else, but I have a hunch it was me that confused him. Which is surprising, seeing as I am publicly out (I don't think there is anyone at my school that doesn't know already).
I knew that being a girl was hard. I never said I wanted it easy. I never expected it to be easy. I just wanted to be me. And while people say that "it comes with being a girl..." I know. I know it does. I never said I didn't want it to. I'm just saying that I need help. Most girls grow up doing makeup, hair, clothes, et cetera, whereas I am being thrust into it as a teenager.
Basically, I have almost no idea what I'm doing, at the time in my life when people expect me to. All I want is a little (a lot of) help, here and there, until I think I know what I'm doing.
On a slightly different note about my confidence...
I remember, back when I was in elementary and middle school, my teachers would always tell me that I would do great things when I grew up, that I was so smart, etc., etc..... Thing is, though, I have almost never been any good in school. I mean, I enjoy a few classes here and there, and get my work in most of the time in a couple of my classes. It's just that I'm not the kind of smart kid who is great in school. I mean... I feel that I'm not gonna do much in life, but I don't think that I'll fail in school. Maybe do poorly, but not fail completely. While I want to be successful in life, I don't want to do much. I don't really want to impress people. All I want to do is write, edit, and maybe direct [feature length] films.
I feel like the opposite of these people. I'm smart, and people expect great things from me. But I feel like I'm going to let them down, and I won't do great things, let alone good, or even okay.
Your life is what you make of it.
I knew that being a girl was hard. I never said I wanted it easy. I never expected it to be easy. I just wanted to be me. And while people say that "it comes with being a girl..." I know. I know it does. I never said I didn't want it to. I'm just saying that I need help. Most girls grow up doing makeup, hair, clothes, et cetera, whereas I am being thrust into it as a teenager.
Basically, I have almost no idea what I'm doing, at the time in my life when people expect me to. All I want is a little (a lot of) help, here and there, until I think I know what I'm doing.
On a slightly different note about my confidence...
I remember, back when I was in elementary and middle school, my teachers would always tell me that I would do great things when I grew up, that I was so smart, etc., etc..... Thing is, though, I have almost never been any good in school. I mean, I enjoy a few classes here and there, and get my work in most of the time in a couple of my classes. It's just that I'm not the kind of smart kid who is great in school. I mean... I feel that I'm not gonna do much in life, but I don't think that I'll fail in school. Maybe do poorly, but not fail completely. While I want to be successful in life, I don't want to do much. I don't really want to impress people. All I want to do is write, edit, and maybe direct [feature length] films.I feel like the opposite of these people. I'm smart, and people expect great things from me. But I feel like I'm going to let them down, and I won't do great things, let alone good, or even okay.
Your life is what you make of it.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
The 12 days of...?
Here we are, about 2 days away from Christmas, and I can't seem to get in the spirit. I mean, I know Christmas is coming up, but it doesn't feel like it...
Anyways, I'm back for a time, here to share whatever the hell happens to be on my mind at the time. Which would be how well the past weeks have gone for me.
Let's start with Friday. Basically, the same as Thursday, except school got out earlier, and I didn't go anywhere fun. Saturday, we (my family) had a bunch of guests over, who got to see me as I truly am, and didn't make a big deal of it. Monday, nothing happened. Tuesday evening, a friend and I went to one of her friends' friends house to watch The Fellowship of the Ring, directors cut, in preparation for watching The Hobbit. And on Wednesday, that same friend, and a few of her friends (along with some of my family) went to see The Hobbit in theaters (which was freaking awesome!). Thursday was my first day of winter break, and Friday the world didn't end after all.
Moral of the story: the people that I know don't care that I'm trans. And I have a social life now (I had NO life outside of school before coming out).
On an unrelated note... I hate it when people assume that being LGBT is a choice. "Why did you choose to be gay?" Nobody chooses to live a difficult life, the same as people don't choose what skin color they are born with. What's worse, though, is when people find out you're trans, and think it's okay to ask some of the most inappropriate questions imaginable, like, "Have you gotten 'the surgery'?" "How do you have sex?" (to name a few). People think that, just because you're trans, it's okay to ask these questions. If you think about it, it's like walking up to some stranger and asking if they've ever had plastic surgery, or had a kidney transplant, or something like that - it's downright rude.
I would say something else, but, frankly, I can't think right now. So.. Until next time, I guess!
Anyways, I'm back for a time, here to share whatever the hell happens to be on my mind at the time. Which would be how well the past weeks have gone for me.
Let's start with Friday. Basically, the same as Thursday, except school got out earlier, and I didn't go anywhere fun. Saturday, we (my family) had a bunch of guests over, who got to see me as I truly am, and didn't make a big deal of it. Monday, nothing happened. Tuesday evening, a friend and I went to one of her friends' friends house to watch The Fellowship of the Ring, directors cut, in preparation for watching The Hobbit. And on Wednesday, that same friend, and a few of her friends (along with some of my family) went to see The Hobbit in theaters (which was freaking awesome!). Thursday was my first day of winter break, and Friday the world didn't end after all.
Moral of the story: the people that I know don't care that I'm trans. And I have a social life now (I had NO life outside of school before coming out).
On an unrelated note... I hate it when people assume that being LGBT is a choice. "Why did you choose to be gay?" Nobody chooses to live a difficult life, the same as people don't choose what skin color they are born with. What's worse, though, is when people find out you're trans, and think it's okay to ask some of the most inappropriate questions imaginable, like, "Have you gotten 'the surgery'?" "How do you have sex?" (to name a few). People think that, just because you're trans, it's okay to ask these questions. If you think about it, it's like walking up to some stranger and asking if they've ever had plastic surgery, or had a kidney transplant, or something like that - it's downright rude.
I would say something else, but, frankly, I can't think right now. So.. Until next time, I guess!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
It's official!
A lot has happened this week.
Tuesday was my last day presenting as a guy.
Wednesday:
My classmates were notified that I would be attending school as Jennifer from now on. My mom and I went to a hairdresser, who we've known for years, and she did my hair (highlights and a slight trimming - it turned out great!), then we (both my parents and myself) went to Auburn and got my name legally changed. My mom and I then went shopping at Fred Meyers and Plato's Closet, where I got a bunch of bras, flannel shirts, a few pairs of nice jeans, and a good fleece jacket. We later went and saw the high school winter choir concert, where I was greeted rather warmly by those that know me.
Today (Thursday):
I went to school and (the best part) experienced no harassment. None. Basically, not a single f*** was given today. Sure, there were a few slip-ups with name and pronouns, but that's to be expected. After school, some friends and I went to get my eyebrows done (they look great!), then went to the South Hill mall for a little shopping (didn't get much for myself - just two v-necks), and then came back home.
This was all a LOT more exciting than I make it sound, and trust me, I could have made it sound pretty darn exciting. But, frankly, I'm too tired to do so. It's been a long, exciting, and exhausting few days, and I have school tomorrow. So you will just have to deal with this summary. And you will be happy with it.
Tuesday was my last day presenting as a guy.
Wednesday:
My classmates were notified that I would be attending school as Jennifer from now on. My mom and I went to a hairdresser, who we've known for years, and she did my hair (highlights and a slight trimming - it turned out great!), then we (both my parents and myself) went to Auburn and got my name legally changed. My mom and I then went shopping at Fred Meyers and Plato's Closet, where I got a bunch of bras, flannel shirts, a few pairs of nice jeans, and a good fleece jacket. We later went and saw the high school winter choir concert, where I was greeted rather warmly by those that know me.
Today (Thursday):
I went to school and (the best part) experienced no harassment. None. Basically, not a single f*** was given today. Sure, there were a few slip-ups with name and pronouns, but that's to be expected. After school, some friends and I went to get my eyebrows done (they look great!), then went to the South Hill mall for a little shopping (didn't get much for myself - just two v-necks), and then came back home.
This was all a LOT more exciting than I make it sound, and trust me, I could have made it sound pretty darn exciting. But, frankly, I'm too tired to do so. It's been a long, exciting, and exhausting few days, and I have school tomorrow. So you will just have to deal with this summary. And you will be happy with it.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
More updates?
Wow. I should really write more often. It seems like I spend most of my time surfing mindlessly through Facebook, playing Minecraft, and other such meaningless things. Though I have been working quite a bit on a few films and scripts, one of which I will (hopefully) be filming next week. The two main ones I've been working on are the big feature length film, and a horror film. The horror film is, well... scary. It involves a guy getting back at his best friend for stealing his girlfriend, but they all end up getting killed by a serial killer. I would say more, but... I don't want to spoil the plot, since I will be making that this year, and hope to show it in my town's annual Film Festival. It will probably take a while to make it, since it's about 20 minutes long, and I have yet to start filming it, let alone knowing where we will be filming... But, on a positive note, I will hopefully have a soundtrack and musical score for it, compliments of a friend and his band (you guys ARE going to help, right, Recoil?). As for the other film... I have modified the story quite a bit. Whereas it started out as a vampire story, then became a demon story... It is now about witches. It still has the magic stuff, but an entirely new plot. In a short summary, a witch is running away after committing a terrible crime, so she hides out in the main character (literally. She possesses her). After a little while, she accidentally kills a cheerleader, and the police, the cheerleaders boyfriend, and his best friend, get involved, trying to find the perpetrator. Meanwhile, a few mages are looking for the witch, and come to the town. One of them teams up with the boyfriend, saying he knows how the girl was killed. Also meanwhile, the best friend and the main girl become a couple (wish I could explain in more detail). After a little while, the boyfriend tries to kill the main character, the mage shows up to witness it, and a huge fight scene commences, resulting in the capture of the witch. And... That's pretty much the story. Still working on it, and it will probably be partially rewritten again, but... I like it. And unfortunately it's gonna take a lot to make it. Probably not going to even start on it till next school year, at the VERY earliest.
Anyways. This is supposed to be an update, right? So... How about I get back on topic?
Life has been good. My family is using my name and pronouns a lot more, and they are getting pretty good at it now. I am doing okay in my classes (well.....), and am starting to look at colleges. Particularly colleges with good film programs (thinking of Bellevue...), seeing as I plan to have a film career after high school. I mean, I feel like I was MADE to do this! Video production is fast becoming my life. Unfortunately for me... It's a lot easier to write a film than it is to actually make it (film and edit it). Especially when the film is over 10 minutes long. And has a bunch of special effects.
Other than that... I am preparing to come out to my classmates, though it won't really be a coming out, so much as a "Things are going to be...different, tomorrow. Just roll with it," then come to school the next day wearing somewhat feminine clothes and a touch of makeup. It should be interesting to see if and how people will react... Oh, almost forgot: it will happen December 12th to the 13th. On the 12th I will give the heads up, and the 13th will be my first day out and about in school.
Wish me luck! (even though it's about 3 weeks away)
Anyways. This is supposed to be an update, right? So... How about I get back on topic?
Life has been good. My family is using my name and pronouns a lot more, and they are getting pretty good at it now. I am doing okay in my classes (well.....), and am starting to look at colleges. Particularly colleges with good film programs (thinking of Bellevue...), seeing as I plan to have a film career after high school. I mean, I feel like I was MADE to do this! Video production is fast becoming my life. Unfortunately for me... It's a lot easier to write a film than it is to actually make it (film and edit it). Especially when the film is over 10 minutes long. And has a bunch of special effects.
Other than that... I am preparing to come out to my classmates, though it won't really be a coming out, so much as a "Things are going to be...different, tomorrow. Just roll with it," then come to school the next day wearing somewhat feminine clothes and a touch of makeup. It should be interesting to see if and how people will react... Oh, almost forgot: it will happen December 12th to the 13th. On the 12th I will give the heads up, and the 13th will be my first day out and about in school.
Wish me luck! (even though it's about 3 weeks away)
Friday, November 9, 2012
Post-Election
This past week has been rather fun and interesting.
For starters, let's talk about the election. Obama won, 1-502 was passed in Washington state, and so was R-74 (legalization of marijuana and same-sex marriage), which in itself is an outstanding accomplishment. Though I don't know why marriage is something that can be voted on, and was such a hot topic in this years election. I am proud that this state has achieved this, I am not too happy as to the methods. As for the election of Obama.... Well, I don't have any complaints, but no matter who would have won from the two main parties (Obama or Romney), this country would have been pretty bad off. Obama hasn't been the absolute best President that he could have been, and I doubt he will do much better this term, and I believe Romney couldn't have done any better than his opponent. As for the legalization of marijuana... Congrats Washington, we are basically the first (besides Colorado) to do so in this country. Now adults 21 and older can smoke weed at their gay friends wedding.
Other than that, this week was kinda boring. With a few exceptions, one of which being that my school has a four day weekend, from Friday (today) to Monday. Which most everyone at school will spend playing Halo 4 or something. Wednesday was a bit fun, seeing as we watched a pretty cool movie in GSA. It was about three guys in Seattle that get superpowers. It was pretty interesting, and I wish I remembered the name of it.
Sometime earlier this week, though, was something that REALLY made my day. I was chatting with a friend on Facebook, whom I had recently met at a weekend retreat to Pilgrim Firs (best place ever), and she was kind of confused. She was wondering whether I had a brother named (insert my male name). She had seen that profile in the "people you may know" tab on Facebook, and was a tad confused.
She had known my sister for a little while, and had just met me, but had never met the other me. Even better is that, over the course of the weekend, she never suspected that I was a biological male - she just assumed a was a girl with a deep voice.
This was possibly the best thing I have heard yet. That I have the ability to pass pretty well in public, and never be mis-gendered, or assumed to be a guy. I don't know how else to describe my elation, without repeating myself. I was, and still am, VERY happy.
Otherwise, nothing special has been going on.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Update after too long
Man, would you look at the time! I haven't posted anything here for weeks, and I never really noticed!
Well, to start this update off, I am happy to say that my breasts are developing rather rapidly!... If a bit too rapidly... I'm only a bit sad because it is getting somewhat harder to appear to have a flat chest at school (still a guy socially). I know it's a bit weird, but I still want to look like a guy in public, for now. I'm just not ready to come out yet. I still have two months in the closet, and I want to appear like nothing is up. I know, my methods are weird, but you do what you do. And I honestly don't know how people will react. Speaking of which... Turns out, a LOT of people at school already know, which I find rather ironic. So it seems that I won't be coming out to the whole school after all!
As for better news, things are going pretty well socially and educationally. My grades and work are actually pretty good, and I am working on some big-ish film projects, one of which should be finished soon, and the other will be filmed most of November. The second one should end up being around 20 minutes long, but it will be worth it. So far, there has only been one scary movie shown in class, but it wasn't even that scary. Mine, on the other hand... It may be my pride in my film, or the fact that is awesome and very well-written, but I think mine will be a better horror film than the other. Or it may be how poorly that one was made and scripted...
Anyways, enough with the random, inane ramblings, lets talk about somewhat more important stuff! Such as... Um... Such as....... Okay, so nothing really big is going on right now, other than my family starting to use my correct name and pronouns, my breasts growing, and just getting back from a weekend retreat at my favorite church camp in the whole world. Where I, again, got to be myself around awesome people, new and old friends. It wasn't much, but at least I got to spend some time at my real home.
Other than all that... Nothing has really been going on. Life has been pretty dull around here. But I'm sure that will all change in a few months...
Well, to start this update off, I am happy to say that my breasts are developing rather rapidly!... If a bit too rapidly... I'm only a bit sad because it is getting somewhat harder to appear to have a flat chest at school (still a guy socially). I know it's a bit weird, but I still want to look like a guy in public, for now. I'm just not ready to come out yet. I still have two months in the closet, and I want to appear like nothing is up. I know, my methods are weird, but you do what you do. And I honestly don't know how people will react. Speaking of which... Turns out, a LOT of people at school already know, which I find rather ironic. So it seems that I won't be coming out to the whole school after all!
As for better news, things are going pretty well socially and educationally. My grades and work are actually pretty good, and I am working on some big-ish film projects, one of which should be finished soon, and the other will be filmed most of November. The second one should end up being around 20 minutes long, but it will be worth it. So far, there has only been one scary movie shown in class, but it wasn't even that scary. Mine, on the other hand... It may be my pride in my film, or the fact that is awesome and very well-written, but I think mine will be a better horror film than the other. Or it may be how poorly that one was made and scripted...
Anyways, enough with the random, inane ramblings, lets talk about somewhat more important stuff! Such as... Um... Such as....... Okay, so nothing really big is going on right now, other than my family starting to use my correct name and pronouns, my breasts growing, and just getting back from a weekend retreat at my favorite church camp in the whole world. Where I, again, got to be myself around awesome people, new and old friends. It wasn't much, but at least I got to spend some time at my real home.
Other than all that... Nothing has really been going on. Life has been pretty dull around here. But I'm sure that will all change in a few months...
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Making up for lost time
Sorry for the lack of recent posts, you guys. I've just been so stressed, dealing with daily life and my eventual coming out to my school. Speaking of which...
Earlier last week, I got a text from one of my friends (who I'm out to), giving an account of something she had seen. In her class, several guys were huddled around an iPhone, staring at it. One of them was trying to convince the others that what they were staring at (my Facebook profile) wasn't faked. They all thought that someone had Photoshopped some pictures of my male self and posted them on a fake profile (I had posted a bunch of self-portrait photos). Anyways, it went on like that for a little bit, with none of them being convinced. As soon as I heard about it, I freaked out, in the sense that I basically just shut down. I just couldn't pay attention in class. Eventually, during lunch, we (she and I) talked to the principal, to see what we should do. The answer was pretty bleak: just let it happen. People were gonna find out anyways.
Anyways...
Just this past Wednesday, I started on my Estrogen pills, as well as celebrating my 16th birthday. But the best part weren't the material presents or the hormones; the best part was that my dad didn't mind, and he has started calling me Jennifer, and using female pronouns, to the point where nobody has yet to correct him, as he corrects himself. And, just the other day, my entire school, and the two middle schools in town, received training for dealing with a trans* student and any bullying they get. The best part? It seemed that everyone was willing to get the training.
As for the rest of what has been going on... Not much has, actually. Other than working on some film stuff, doing homework, and acting normal. For film, though... Next year in Advanced Video, we are still going to be using the same grading system, where we make a film in 1 of 10 categories (must use 6 categories each semester, and needs 6 films total). Well, next year, I won't have to make 12 films. As long as I get my big movie filmed and edited on time for each time we screen a film (only going to edit a couple scenes worth or so for each screening), I have something to present. And I will still get credit! Even better, though, is the fact that I am starting to get the hang of the WHOLE film making process, from start to finish, which shall prove most beneficial next year. For now, though, I shall just stick to making small films, and writing the script for my movie (I have dubbed it "Inner Demons").
Earlier last week, I got a text from one of my friends (who I'm out to), giving an account of something she had seen. In her class, several guys were huddled around an iPhone, staring at it. One of them was trying to convince the others that what they were staring at (my Facebook profile) wasn't faked. They all thought that someone had Photoshopped some pictures of my male self and posted them on a fake profile (I had posted a bunch of self-portrait photos). Anyways, it went on like that for a little bit, with none of them being convinced. As soon as I heard about it, I freaked out, in the sense that I basically just shut down. I just couldn't pay attention in class. Eventually, during lunch, we (she and I) talked to the principal, to see what we should do. The answer was pretty bleak: just let it happen. People were gonna find out anyways.
Anyways...
Just this past Wednesday, I started on my Estrogen pills, as well as celebrating my 16th birthday. But the best part weren't the material presents or the hormones; the best part was that my dad didn't mind, and he has started calling me Jennifer, and using female pronouns, to the point where nobody has yet to correct him, as he corrects himself. And, just the other day, my entire school, and the two middle schools in town, received training for dealing with a trans* student and any bullying they get. The best part? It seemed that everyone was willing to get the training.
As for the rest of what has been going on... Not much has, actually. Other than working on some film stuff, doing homework, and acting normal. For film, though... Next year in Advanced Video, we are still going to be using the same grading system, where we make a film in 1 of 10 categories (must use 6 categories each semester, and needs 6 films total). Well, next year, I won't have to make 12 films. As long as I get my big movie filmed and edited on time for each time we screen a film (only going to edit a couple scenes worth or so for each screening), I have something to present. And I will still get credit! Even better, though, is the fact that I am starting to get the hang of the WHOLE film making process, from start to finish, which shall prove most beneficial next year. For now, though, I shall just stick to making small films, and writing the script for my movie (I have dubbed it "Inner Demons").
Thursday, October 11, 2012
National Coming Out Day
Today, October 11th, is National Coming Out Day. Though I don't think I will have to come out to all you guys :) Just in case, though...
I am transgender. Born with a male body and a feminine mind. I tell you, it isn't easy to live with; seeing a boy in the mirror and knowing you should be seeing a girl. It is even harder to not be able to tell anyone this, as most people don't understand. Some go even further, and hate it, to the point of verbal and physical harassment.
I needed to do something about this. About me. About my dysphoria. I didn't realize it until I was partway through Our Whole Lives, a sex-ed and safe-relationships class put on by my church. One day, we talked about transgender people, and it all seemed to fall into place. Ever had one of those sudden moments of clarity, where things just seem to click? That's what I had. I realized who and what I was. And I realized that I could do something about it.
So began the long process of coming out. On a rainy day in early April, 2011, I came out to a bisexual guy as trans. And he was pretty cool about it. I then came out to a couple friends from old schools and church camp, who had known me for a while, and that I trusted. Eventually and stupidly, I made and posted a coming out video on Youtube. Biggest mistake ever, but also in a good way; my younger sister saw it (I think I left it up on the computer we share), and told my dad. He saw it, then told my mom, when she got home. By then I had removed the video, but that night, my mom and I sat together, talking about what was going to happen. I think she went through half of a tissue box that night.
Things were pretty 'normal' for a time, until summer. During that time, I had gradually come out to a few more of my friends. During summer, though, is when I made my biggest coming out ever: at the church camp I went to, I came out to about 70+ people, in one sitting. Everyone was supportive.
The following school year (2011-12), I still went to school as Patrick, my male self. I wish I could have done something, but there wasn't much I could do. Yet that year, my sophomore year, I made more progress than ever. I made more friends, became a part of the GSA, and came out to a few more kids, including some at school. I even attended the midwinter church camp is me, Jennifer; I stayed in a girls cabin, was treated like a girl, etcetera.
I gained more confidence.
During the summer, up until now, I had been going to a trans* support group meeting, up in Seattle. There, I met several truly awesome people, who were going through something similar to my experience, in various stages of their own transitions. Needless to say, we all kicked things off from the start. Now, they are several of many people who I can rely on for help when things seem their worst.
Near the end of last school year, I was finally approved for a medical transition (taking hormones and such), paperwork and all. I started Spironolactone on March 14th of this year, and Finasteride on July 8th, both of which are used as Testosterone blockers; also, I will soon be starting Estrodial (Estrogen).
This past summer, I attended church camp again, in otherwise the same conditions as midwinter camp was, with the exception of different clothes per the weather. All went well, and I had a blast. Everyone was super accepting, supportive, and just... there. There if you needed a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to rejoice with. And they all still are, and I thank them all for that.
Later that summer, I attended a trans* conference (Gender Odyssey) up in Seattle, where I met some of my old friends, and made some new ones, not to mention learning a great deal more about transition and such.
All this time, my mother has been supportive and loving of me, and has been right beside me since I came out to her. My dad hasn't been nearly as supportive, but is getting there, slowly but surely. And, sometime this school year (before Christmas break), I will be coming out, at the very least to the people in my classes. Hopefully, things will go well, and I will be able to continue my high school career as the true me, without having to hide anything. With the love and support of all of you, my friends, I am sure I can make it through the rest of high school, and on into a happy, successful life afterwards.
Thank you, all of you, for being so accepting, supportive, and loving of me and my transition, my journey, and just for being there for me. I love you all, so, so much ♥
I am transgender. Born with a male body and a feminine mind. I tell you, it isn't easy to live with; seeing a boy in the mirror and knowing you should be seeing a girl. It is even harder to not be able to tell anyone this, as most people don't understand. Some go even further, and hate it, to the point of verbal and physical harassment.
I needed to do something about this. About me. About my dysphoria. I didn't realize it until I was partway through Our Whole Lives, a sex-ed and safe-relationships class put on by my church. One day, we talked about transgender people, and it all seemed to fall into place. Ever had one of those sudden moments of clarity, where things just seem to click? That's what I had. I realized who and what I was. And I realized that I could do something about it.
So began the long process of coming out. On a rainy day in early April, 2011, I came out to a bisexual guy as trans. And he was pretty cool about it. I then came out to a couple friends from old schools and church camp, who had known me for a while, and that I trusted. Eventually and stupidly, I made and posted a coming out video on Youtube. Biggest mistake ever, but also in a good way; my younger sister saw it (I think I left it up on the computer we share), and told my dad. He saw it, then told my mom, when she got home. By then I had removed the video, but that night, my mom and I sat together, talking about what was going to happen. I think she went through half of a tissue box that night.
Things were pretty 'normal' for a time, until summer. During that time, I had gradually come out to a few more of my friends. During summer, though, is when I made my biggest coming out ever: at the church camp I went to, I came out to about 70+ people, in one sitting. Everyone was supportive.
The following school year (2011-12), I still went to school as Patrick, my male self. I wish I could have done something, but there wasn't much I could do. Yet that year, my sophomore year, I made more progress than ever. I made more friends, became a part of the GSA, and came out to a few more kids, including some at school. I even attended the midwinter church camp is me, Jennifer; I stayed in a girls cabin, was treated like a girl, etcetera.
I gained more confidence.
During the summer, up until now, I had been going to a trans* support group meeting, up in Seattle. There, I met several truly awesome people, who were going through something similar to my experience, in various stages of their own transitions. Needless to say, we all kicked things off from the start. Now, they are several of many people who I can rely on for help when things seem their worst.
Near the end of last school year, I was finally approved for a medical transition (taking hormones and such), paperwork and all. I started Spironolactone on March 14th of this year, and Finasteride on July 8th, both of which are used as Testosterone blockers; also, I will soon be starting Estrodial (Estrogen).
This past summer, I attended church camp again, in otherwise the same conditions as midwinter camp was, with the exception of different clothes per the weather. All went well, and I had a blast. Everyone was super accepting, supportive, and just... there. There if you needed a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to rejoice with. And they all still are, and I thank them all for that.
Later that summer, I attended a trans* conference (Gender Odyssey) up in Seattle, where I met some of my old friends, and made some new ones, not to mention learning a great deal more about transition and such.
All this time, my mother has been supportive and loving of me, and has been right beside me since I came out to her. My dad hasn't been nearly as supportive, but is getting there, slowly but surely. And, sometime this school year (before Christmas break), I will be coming out, at the very least to the people in my classes. Hopefully, things will go well, and I will be able to continue my high school career as the true me, without having to hide anything. With the love and support of all of you, my friends, I am sure I can make it through the rest of high school, and on into a happy, successful life afterwards.
Thank you, all of you, for being so accepting, supportive, and loving of me and my transition, my journey, and just for being there for me. I love you all, so, so much ♥
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Telling the Teachers
Yesterday, the principle of my school called me in to her office to talk to me. What did we talk about? My transition.
A few weeks ago, my mom and an adult advocate whom my mom knew went in to talk to the principle, guidance counselor, and I think the nurse. They talked about how I was going to transition this school year, and that the staff were going to need some training, considering how well they handled the last trans student (ftm - the teachers could get his name right, but never his pronouns). They plan on having a training session on the 19th of this month (October), which should prove not terribly interesting.
Anyways, the principle called me in to tell me that she had told half of my teachers what was going to happen, and was going to tell the other half. She was wondering what I would do to tell my classmates, though, which I can understand. I told her: I would make a video (about 10 minutes long, maybe shorter), explaining how I am trans, what that means, answering some frequently asked questions I presume I will get, as well as addressing some of the slurs I may face. All in all, a rather basic coming out video. Which I hope to get credit for in my video productions class.
Speaking of videos...
Been working on the rather large script (now titled "Inner Demons", or something like) to the point where I know pretty much how each scene will play out. Granted, it's still a rough draft, and needs a few more scenes (important and filler scenes), but so far, it's pretty cool. I wish I could post it on here, but... First of all, I can't, because I cannot figure out how. Second, I lost the flashdrive where it is stored, and I don't have a backup file anywhere.
A few weeks ago, my mom and an adult advocate whom my mom knew went in to talk to the principle, guidance counselor, and I think the nurse. They talked about how I was going to transition this school year, and that the staff were going to need some training, considering how well they handled the last trans student (ftm - the teachers could get his name right, but never his pronouns). They plan on having a training session on the 19th of this month (October), which should prove not terribly interesting.
Anyways, the principle called me in to tell me that she had told half of my teachers what was going to happen, and was going to tell the other half. She was wondering what I would do to tell my classmates, though, which I can understand. I told her: I would make a video (about 10 minutes long, maybe shorter), explaining how I am trans, what that means, answering some frequently asked questions I presume I will get, as well as addressing some of the slurs I may face. All in all, a rather basic coming out video. Which I hope to get credit for in my video productions class.
Speaking of videos...
Been working on the rather large script (now titled "Inner Demons", or something like) to the point where I know pretty much how each scene will play out. Granted, it's still a rough draft, and needs a few more scenes (important and filler scenes), but so far, it's pretty cool. I wish I could post it on here, but... First of all, I can't, because I cannot figure out how. Second, I lost the flashdrive where it is stored, and I don't have a backup file anywhere.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Intellectual Transition
I find it kind of funny how, back when was in elementary and middle school, my teachers would always tell me how smart I was, and that I would do great things in and with my life.
If only they knew.
Yes, I am quite smart, with an estimated IQ around 130, I'm in AP Calculus as a Junior, and I skipped a grade (I'm 15, almost 16). Not to brag or anything. But, if you compare my brain activity and capacity to my grades... You will find that there is something missing. My dad is always complaining that I've got so much brain, but I never show it, especially in my schoolwork. No, my homework habits are so bad, I failed a semester of English last year, and nearly failed the second, as well as the full year of AP Bio. Ironic how I'm so good at math, and yet I suck at science and English. Even more ironic is how creative I can be when it comes to writing, as well as just expressing myself (this blog). Heck, I managed to come up with the idea for a feature length film in only a couple days of bouncing ideas off of my friends.
Guess what? More irony is to come! Back in the third grade, I took a test that was supposed to help tell if I was a "gifted" student or not (belonging in advanced classes, such as an AP class). I scored pretty well overall, but in the "Creativity" section... I got a nine percent. NINE PERCENT. Then you look at me now, and what I've done and made... Remember that feature length film I talked about earlier? Yeah. Well, that idea was, and still is, a stroke of pure genius. I have only received positive reviews on it.
The irony never ends, does it; in the way of doing great things with and in my life, well... Here I am, transitioning to a female gender presentation.
Speaking of which...
Today, my mother and I went up to Seattle, for several reasons. The main two being to see my doc about getting my Estrogen prescription, and my psych for, well, just to catch up and talk. The other reason we were there was to shop, of course.
We went up to Seattle in time to see Michelle Obama's motorcade pass up on southbound I-5, as we were heading north towards the city center. Once we arrived, I tried parking in one of the various parking garages. Let's just say there is now a new scratch on the rear bumper... Anyways, we got out and headed up to the lobby, near street level. We had some time to kill, so we went to a Barnes & Noble nearby, where we were greeted at the door by a rather good-looking man. "Good morning, ladies." I was so ecstatic when he said that, as I had NO chest, and was only wearing skinny jeans, a flowing silk shirt, and had a ponytail. Then again, maybe I shouldn't have been surprised.
The appointment with the doc went pretty well. All we did was briefly discuss what would happen while I was taking Estrodial, then he wrote out the prescription for it, to give to whichever pharmacy we would use. Not much else really happened. But what came AFTER the appointment... Was probably the best thing my mom and I could have done. We went bra shopping at the Nordstrom near his office!! Both of us got fitted, and I am about a 32A, with a lot of padding. Granted, my bust will eventually fill out, and I think I may end up with a B cup, but hey. For now, I'm happy with the bra I've got.
After getting my first bra, we went to the Value Village in Capital Hill (Seattle), where I finally got to see what trying things on with a bust was like. I'll tell you, breasts make a WORLD of difference, especially with tops. Trying things on while flat, versus trying things on with a chest... Man, I really could see the difference, and it was a GOOD difference.
Anyways... I got several rather cute shirts, and a couple nice sweaters, out of it, for only about $4 each. After paying, I drove us all the way back to good ole Enumclaw, and we stopped at the High School, where I attended the last half hour of the GSA meeting. While wearing one of my new shirts, skinny jeans, the new bra, and rocking a ponytail. Never felt better in my life.
Other than that... Today was rather calm. Didn't really do anything, once we got home. Well, except write on this blog, of course.
If only they knew.
Yes, I am quite smart, with an estimated IQ around 130, I'm in AP Calculus as a Junior, and I skipped a grade (I'm 15, almost 16). Not to brag or anything. But, if you compare my brain activity and capacity to my grades... You will find that there is something missing. My dad is always complaining that I've got so much brain, but I never show it, especially in my schoolwork. No, my homework habits are so bad, I failed a semester of English last year, and nearly failed the second, as well as the full year of AP Bio. Ironic how I'm so good at math, and yet I suck at science and English. Even more ironic is how creative I can be when it comes to writing, as well as just expressing myself (this blog). Heck, I managed to come up with the idea for a feature length film in only a couple days of bouncing ideas off of my friends.
Guess what? More irony is to come! Back in the third grade, I took a test that was supposed to help tell if I was a "gifted" student or not (belonging in advanced classes, such as an AP class). I scored pretty well overall, but in the "Creativity" section... I got a nine percent. NINE PERCENT. Then you look at me now, and what I've done and made... Remember that feature length film I talked about earlier? Yeah. Well, that idea was, and still is, a stroke of pure genius. I have only received positive reviews on it.
The irony never ends, does it; in the way of doing great things with and in my life, well... Here I am, transitioning to a female gender presentation.
Speaking of which...
Today, my mother and I went up to Seattle, for several reasons. The main two being to see my doc about getting my Estrogen prescription, and my psych for, well, just to catch up and talk. The other reason we were there was to shop, of course.
We went up to Seattle in time to see Michelle Obama's motorcade pass up on southbound I-5, as we were heading north towards the city center. Once we arrived, I tried parking in one of the various parking garages. Let's just say there is now a new scratch on the rear bumper... Anyways, we got out and headed up to the lobby, near street level. We had some time to kill, so we went to a Barnes & Noble nearby, where we were greeted at the door by a rather good-looking man. "Good morning, ladies." I was so ecstatic when he said that, as I had NO chest, and was only wearing skinny jeans, a flowing silk shirt, and had a ponytail. Then again, maybe I shouldn't have been surprised.
The appointment with the doc went pretty well. All we did was briefly discuss what would happen while I was taking Estrodial, then he wrote out the prescription for it, to give to whichever pharmacy we would use. Not much else really happened. But what came AFTER the appointment... Was probably the best thing my mom and I could have done. We went bra shopping at the Nordstrom near his office!! Both of us got fitted, and I am about a 32A, with a lot of padding. Granted, my bust will eventually fill out, and I think I may end up with a B cup, but hey. For now, I'm happy with the bra I've got.
After getting my first bra, we went to the Value Village in Capital Hill (Seattle), where I finally got to see what trying things on with a bust was like. I'll tell you, breasts make a WORLD of difference, especially with tops. Trying things on while flat, versus trying things on with a chest... Man, I really could see the difference, and it was a GOOD difference.
Anyways... I got several rather cute shirts, and a couple nice sweaters, out of it, for only about $4 each. After paying, I drove us all the way back to good ole Enumclaw, and we stopped at the High School, where I attended the last half hour of the GSA meeting. While wearing one of my new shirts, skinny jeans, the new bra, and rocking a ponytail. Never felt better in my life.
Other than that... Today was rather calm. Didn't really do anything, once we got home. Well, except write on this blog, of course.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Depression
Saw this post in a group I'm part of on Facebook, and nearly broke down. Not having given much thought to suicide, I don't know what it's like to be that depressed, nor do I ever want to. Nobody should ever want to. Nobody should think that the only way out, the only option remaining, is suicide. It is not.
"An arrow must be pulled backward before it can be shot forwards."
"If you are taking this journey, it is to make you a better, stronger person."
Basically, just because you are going through some tough times, no matter how desperate it may seem... It does get better.
just thought i should re post this cause i know a lot of you are having a hard time.
Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over. You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days. It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are.
"An arrow must be pulled backward before it can be shot forwards."
"If you are taking this journey, it is to make you a better, stronger person."
Basically, just because you are going through some tough times, no matter how desperate it may seem... It does get better.
just thought i should re post this cause i know a lot of you are having a hard time.
Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over. You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days. It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are.
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