I'm a very lucky person. I have a fairly feminine face, I have a decently passable voice, I barely put any effort into passing, my entire family is, at the very least, accepting of me, as is most of my school (including the staff), I've been on hormones since I turned 16 and I was able to pass well only a few months later, my body shape has become much more feminine and I'm fairly skinny... The list goes on and on and on.
But you know what? I haven't always felt lucky. Many times in the past year, I've felt like the unluckiest person in the world. I thought that nobody would ever truly see me as a girl. I though that I looked too masculine to pass. And, no matter how many times people told me that I was a beautiful young woman, I rarely ever believed them. Even today, I still have trouble taking some compliments. Whenever someone looked at me in the halls, I always assumed that there was something about me that didn't pass. Were my shoulders too noticeable? Were my boobs not noticeable enough? Was my face too masculine? Did I not walk like a girl? It never occurred to me that that wasn't why people, particularly guys, were looking at me. I had trouble believing it, and I still do, but, apparently, I was/am pretty damn attractive, especially for someone who spent 16 years as a guy. Hell, I'm pretty sure that I've made a lot of guys at my school question their sexuality. But I never thought of that. I always thought that people looked at me like I was a freak. My friends always told me not to listen to "them," but nobody was saying anything negative to me, or about me; at least, not within my earshot. How do you not listen to people who aren't saying anything that you can hear? Regardless, my self-esteem was really low for most of the year after coming out, and it wasn't until June that I realized that my friends were right about me. I was beautiful. My voice did pass. I did look very feminine. By then, I'd started listening to my friends. I started socializing more. And, over the summer, I met a guy. An amazing guy. Now, I don't know what will happen between us in the coming months. We may get together, or it may not work out, or we'll just be friends. Who knows? All I know is how he's made me feel. He is the first straight cis guy that has shown interest in me, even knowing that I'm trans*. And, to me, that's a very special thing. And the way he makes me feel when we're together, or even when I think about him... I've never felt this way about someone. Ever.
Looking back, I'm remember all the times when I've complained about being single to so many of my friends (who by now are probably sick of hearing me whine), and how they would try and cheer me up by telling me that I'll find someone in college, at the least. Then I remember how he pretty much appeared in my life not long ago, and I start to laugh at how desperate I was last year.
I'm a very lucky person, and I've learned to stop complaining about my minuscule problems.
Okay, okay, I've learned to at least complain a lot less, and only about serious things. There, is that more realistic?
