Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Life is a funny thing

I'm a very lucky person. I have a fairly feminine face, I have a decently passable voice, I barely put any effort into passing, my entire family is, at the very least, accepting of me, as is most of my school (including the staff), I've been on hormones since I turned 16 and I was able to pass well only a few months later, my body shape has become much more feminine and I'm fairly skinny... The list goes on and on and on.
But you know what? I haven't always felt lucky. Many times in the past year, I've felt like the unluckiest person in the world. I thought that nobody would ever truly see me as a girl. I though that I looked too masculine to pass. And, no matter how many times people told me that I was a beautiful young woman, I rarely ever believed them. Even today, I still have trouble taking some compliments. Whenever someone looked at me in the halls, I always assumed that there was something about me that didn't pass. Were my shoulders too noticeable? Were my boobs not noticeable enough? Was my face too masculine? Did I not walk like a girl? It never occurred to me that that wasn't why people, particularly guys, were looking at me. I had trouble believing it, and I still do, but, apparently, I was/am pretty damn attractive, especially for someone who spent 16 years as a guy. Hell, I'm pretty sure that I've made a lot of guys at my school question their sexuality. But I never thought of that. I always thought that people looked at me like I was a freak. My friends always told me not to listen to "them," but nobody was saying anything negative to me, or about me; at least, not within my earshot. How do you not listen to people who aren't saying anything that you can hear? Regardless, my self-esteem was really low for most of the year after coming out, and it wasn't until June that I realized that my friends were right about me. I was beautiful. My voice did pass. I did look very feminine. By then, I'd started listening to my friends. I started socializing more. And, over the summer, I met a guy. An amazing guy. Now, I don't know what will happen between us in the coming months. We may get together, or it may not work out, or we'll just be friends. Who knows? All I know is how he's made me feel. He is the first straight cis guy that has shown interest in me, even knowing that I'm trans*. And, to me, that's a very special thing. And the way he makes me feel when we're together, or even when I think about him... I've never felt this way about someone. Ever.

Looking back, I'm remember all the times when I've complained about being single to so many of my friends (who by now are probably sick of hearing me whine), and how they would try and cheer me up by telling me that I'll find someone in college, at the least. Then I remember how he pretty much appeared in my life not long ago, and I start to laugh at how desperate I was last year.

I'm a very lucky person, and I've learned to stop complaining about my minuscule problems.

Okay, okay, I've learned to at least complain a lot less, and only about serious things. There, is that more realistic?

Monday, July 8, 2013

So long, and thank's for all the fish

I will be taking a hiatus from this blog for a while (or forever), and this may be my lost post here. Now, I MAY branch over into Tumblr, but I really doubt it.

Why am I suddenly ending my blog? Well, I just feel that blogging isn't really for me anymore, at least at the current time. I may resume blogging come senior year, but then again, I may not. I'm kinda just fed up with the idea of blogging my feelings, beliefs, experiences, etc., when I already have a Facebook account. Which I use as a kind of blog. just with more picture sharing.
Also, I'm taking a bit of a break from the whole trans* and LGBTQ stuff for a while. I'm not a trans* girl, I'm just a girl. I'm not bi/pansexual, I just have the capacity to love people, regardless of their gender. That's all I ever want to be: a girl that can love people. And that's all I want to be seen as. So, for the foreseeable future, I will not be using this blog. I won't completely shut it down, I just won't be adding new content.

Monday, June 24, 2013


Yay summer!... Not that what we're having in the PNW right now can be considered summer. Clouds. Clouds everywhere. Well, we did have a few sunny days last week, one of which I spent at Deep Lake with a friend and a few of her friends. There were two great parts of that trip: I got to play Magic with a bunch of other people in a non-tournament setting, and it was the first day that I had ever worn a bikini top. I was pretty nervous at first, considering that I think of myself as a bit overweight, but everything was fine, and I actually felt comfortable exposing nearly my entire torso (having been used to just taking off my shirt and jumping in the water kinda helped in that regard).


Since school got out for the summer, I've had alternately boring and packed days. Between sitting at home playing Pokemon and Star Wars Battlefront 2, going out on a major summer shopping trip w/ my mom, getting my name and gender marker changed on my social security card.... It's been, well, interesting. Oh, and I even had a date on the 15th!

Going into more detail...
The date went pretty well, as far as first dates go. We went and had breakfast at Charlie's, right by Pete's Pool. It was a pretty good breakfast, both the food and the conversation. Isaac is a rather interesting and kinda funny character. While we haven't seen each other since (he's been car shopping for almost two weeks now), we've been talking occasionally. And every time I think of him, it feels like my heart skips a beat and my stomach fills with butterflies. I'm pretty sure I like him; I just hope he feels the same.
Last week my mom and I went up to Seattle to see my doc for a follow-up appointment to check how my blood work went. Turns out my Testosterone level was practically zero, and my Estrogen level was somewhere between 200 and 300. And the tests were done right before I had my next shot of E (which occurs every two weeks), so those are pretty good numbers. Afterward, we went across the street to Nordstrom, where I got re-fitted for a bra, then proceeded to try on nearly 20 different bras that were handed to my by the all-too-helpful clerk. I only found one that I liked that fit well, but it's a pretty darn good bra. After THAT, we drove to the South Center Mall, specifically the Plato's Closet in the area, and proceeded to spend... Well, I'll say this: if we had been shopping across the street in the mall stores, we would have spent at least five times the amount that we did, and I got several tops, shorts, and dresses out of it, including one very nice formal dress that I will be wearing to the formal dinner next week at camp. We then went to a Fred Meyer and bought me a ton of bras and the bikini that I wore to Deep Lake, and proceeded, rather tiredly, home.
Today, we went to the Puyallup DOL to 1) get my mom a new license, since she had lost hers, and 2) change the gender marker on my license. Turns out it was closed, as were pretty much every DOL in the lower Puget Sound. So we went from there to the Social Security Administrative Office in Renton (or Kent, I dunno where we were) to change my name and gender marker on my social security card. After what was probably several hours of waiting, we were called up. The rest took like 10 minutes: the guy scanned the documents, entered a ton of stuff into his computer, then told us that my new card would arrive in the mail within 4 weeks. After that, we went to a Target in Covington, got a little bit of stuff that we forgot to get the previous week, and headed home, where here I sit, writing this post.

Now, all that's left is to wait for two camps and... summer school. On the one hand, CAMP!!!! But on the other, summer school is going to suck. I have to retake TWO failed semesters of English, one each from Sophomore and Junior year. But... CAMP!!! In less than one week, I will be going to my true home, my Heaven-on-Earth, my favorite place in the whole Universe: Pilgrim Firs! (Un)fortunately, camp only lasts a week, but I hope that it's enough time to catch up with my friends, make new ones, and have a ton of fun. Then, sometime in mid-July, I'm going to the Reel Queer Youth Film Camp in the Seattle area, which also lasts a week. It's pretty self explanatory: it's a film camp for queer youth. Other than that... I don't know much about it.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The good, the bad, and the pretty...

Okay, good-news-bad-news time.

The good:

School is almost out for the summer, I've only failed one class (2nd semester of English), I'm getting ready for a date with a pretty amazing guy this Saturday, and I recently attended the 2013 EHS Adventure Film Festival, 10th Anniversary.

The bad:

I failed half of my English class, barely passed half of my other classes this semester, none of my films made it into the film fest (though I was an extra in a TON that did), and the guy I'm going on a date with doesn't know that I'm trans (I think).

The pretty detailed:

I just didn't really do any school work this semester, and I've payed for it. Let's face it, my high school career has just been one big joke. I have like a 2.6 cumulative GPA, and this marks the second semester of English that I've failed in the past three years, making it even harder for me to get into college, and also meaning that I have to, essentially, take summer school, otherwise I can't graduate. Because someone, stupidly, made English an essential class, where you have to take and pass 4 years of it to graduate. I would rather be taking a class that will actually help me in the work force, not learning about ancient literature styles. I don't write novels or essays, I write blog posts and screenplays. And, apparently, I'm pretty good at that. As for my dip in grades.... Well, nothing has happened to me that would cause that, other than a total disinterest in school, and the new MTG set, Dragon's Maze, came out a month ago. So I've been pretty involved in Magic for a little while, though that seems to be tapering off. For now. Also, in about 6 days, I will have reached the 8 month anniversary of my starting Estrogen, and, well, let's just say I seriously need to go bra shopping. Actually, I just need to go shopping in general; I have next to nothing in the way of summer wear, and no good formal dress for the formal dinner at the end of the church camp I'm attending in less than 3 weeks. On the plus side, I (hopefully) have a date on Saturday, to get frozen yogurt (and maybe do something else afterward, but that's TBD). But, like I said, he doesn't know that I'm trans, and I honestly have no idea how or when to tell him (though I'm pretty sure it should be face to face). I've talked to several people, and received various responses from various questions. I asked several guys I know what they would do if the girl they'd been dating for several weeks told them that she had been born male, and they ranged from "I wouldn't be bothered, since I love her for who she is" to "I'd go insane." I asked some girls for advice, and got "Text him right now and tell him" to "Go on a few dates, see how much you like each other and trust each other, then tell him face to face, before you do anything remotely sexual." I'm thoroughly confused as to what to do, and we haven't even gone on one date yet. We met at the film fest a week ago, sat next to each other, and basically flirted the whole time (he even bought me popcorn and a drink during the intermission).

Something else I've noticed: since starting Estrogen, I have matured SO MUCH. Whereas people used to look at me as an unsociable jerk, they now see me as a fairly sociable, nice young woman. I guess it's true that women mature faster than men.

On a final note, I am REALLY excited for camp in less than 3 weeks! This will be the first camp that I REALLY get to be myself around the people I know and love (being the first time that I will feel totally comfortable being out), and it will be an awesome week! Plus, I'm probably going to drive myself this year!

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

I have issues

"Whoa! Jennifer's writing another post after only a few days? What's happened to her?!"
I know, I know, shocking, isn't it; me writing again so soon. But I just wanted to vent a little, and maybe explain a few things.

Many years ago, all I really wanted was to wake up one day as a girl. To look like a girl, sound like a girl, be perceived as a girl... More than money, I wanted to be who I didn't know I was on the outside. I never thought of myself as being a girl in a boy's body. I never told my parents that I wanted/needed to be a girl. I felt that that was just something you didn't tell anyone. I mean, how many straight guys tell their friends "Yeah, so, I need to be a girl. Y'all want to go get some lunch?" That just doesn't happen, and that's exactly why I stayed silent for so long; I didn't want to be more of an outcast than I already was in middle school, and I didn't really know anyone at first in high school (transferred school districts). It was one of the millions of secrets that I would keep for years.

When my parents found out, well, my dad just didn't talk to me for a few days, and my mom was asking "Why? Why would you choose such a difficult life?" I understand that being a young woman in this day and age isn't always fun, and could be pretty bad at times. But all I said was "Because it's who I am." It didn't really hit me until then that this was exactly what I wanted: to BE a girl. Not a guy, a girl. A young woman. My mom later went on to tell me all the challenges I would face even presenting as a cisgender girl, let alone being a trans* girl. Did it sway my judgement? Obviously not.

But now I know a bit of what she was talking about. Only a little, but enough. Being a girl is a LOT harder than being a guy, and I'm speaking from experience. It doesn't always seem like I'm trying to impress people, but in reality I am; I don't want to appear to be a slob, I want to be perceived as a pretty/beautiful girl (doesn't always work, but I try). Yes, I put on makeup (occasionally), do my hair (and get frustrated when it doesn't cooperate), agonize over which top works best with which pants, and which combination flatters my figure the most, shave my legs... Pretty much everything that other girls my age do. Except I'm still learning, while they've had years of, well, practice, to get it all down, while I was thrown into it 6 months ago. So don't blame me for slipping up every once in a while, though I have made remarkable progress for not having done anything "girly" before coming out, save for a few times at church camp.

But there's another thing. Even though I have tiny boobs, they're starting to get kind of annoying. I mean, I'm glad I finally have boobs and all, but, well, they get in the way. It's painful to sleep on my stomach now (which is pretty much how I've slept for years). And worst of all is probably when I'm eating: I have a tendency to lean back in whatever I'm sitting in when I eat, AND I like to wear v-neck shirts... Let's just say it's really awkward to fish food out of your bra in the middle of lunch. I'm not saying I do that, but... Well, it sucks. Food and boobs do not work well together, especially when an open-necked shirt is thrown in to the equation. And speaking of equations...

A month ago, I took the AP Calculus exam, which I'm pretty sure I bombed. REALLY wish I had been studying for months in advance. Now that the end of the school year is literally a week away, we don't really do much in any of my classes, but that doesn't mean any of us, especially me, are in the clear yet. See, I'm on the verge of failing about half of my classes this semester, and I AM failing this semester's English. Ironic, since I'm writing this, and I hope to one day (hopefully soon) make a living by writing scripts (and maybe even novels). Plus, I have the most relaxed English teacher in this school (I'm pretty sure I went over this in the last post, but I'm saying it again, regardless). Last I checked, my semester grade is at less than a 50%. He says that he'll pass me if I can get this one research paper done and turned in (I was gone for nearly a week that the class was working on it), but....... I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know what to research, I don't know how to put it all together... I'm lost, and it's too late to ask for help.

Well, overall, things seem to be going just great!... I wish I could say that, but I would be lying if I did.