Man, would you look at the time! I haven't posted anything here for weeks, and I never really noticed!
Well, to start this update off, I am happy to say that my breasts are developing rather rapidly!... If a bit too rapidly... I'm only a bit sad because it is getting somewhat harder to appear to have a flat chest at school (still a guy socially). I know it's a bit weird, but I still want to look like a guy in public, for now. I'm just not ready to come out yet. I still have two months in the closet, and I want to appear like nothing is up. I know, my methods are weird, but you do what you do. And I honestly don't know how people will react. Speaking of which... Turns out, a LOT of people at school already know, which I find rather ironic. So it seems that I won't be coming out to the whole school after all!
As for better news, things are going pretty well socially and educationally. My grades and work are actually pretty good, and I am working on some big-ish film projects, one of which should be finished soon, and the other will be filmed most of November. The second one should end up being around 20 minutes long, but it will be worth it. So far, there has only been one scary movie shown in class, but it wasn't even that scary. Mine, on the other hand... It may be my pride in my film, or the fact that is awesome and very well-written, but I think mine will be a better horror film than the other. Or it may be how poorly that one was made and scripted...
Anyways, enough with the random, inane ramblings, lets talk about somewhat more important stuff! Such as... Um... Such as....... Okay, so nothing really big is going on right now, other than my family starting to use my correct name and pronouns, my breasts growing, and just getting back from a weekend retreat at my favorite church camp in the whole world. Where I, again, got to be myself around awesome people, new and old friends. It wasn't much, but at least I got to spend some time at my real home.
Other than all that... Nothing has really been going on. Life has been pretty dull around here. But I'm sure that will all change in a few months...
Monday, October 29, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Making up for lost time
Sorry for the lack of recent posts, you guys. I've just been so stressed, dealing with daily life and my eventual coming out to my school. Speaking of which...
Earlier last week, I got a text from one of my friends (who I'm out to), giving an account of something she had seen. In her class, several guys were huddled around an iPhone, staring at it. One of them was trying to convince the others that what they were staring at (my Facebook profile) wasn't faked. They all thought that someone had Photoshopped some pictures of my male self and posted them on a fake profile (I had posted a bunch of self-portrait photos). Anyways, it went on like that for a little bit, with none of them being convinced. As soon as I heard about it, I freaked out, in the sense that I basically just shut down. I just couldn't pay attention in class. Eventually, during lunch, we (she and I) talked to the principal, to see what we should do. The answer was pretty bleak: just let it happen. People were gonna find out anyways.
Anyways...
Just this past Wednesday, I started on my Estrogen pills, as well as celebrating my 16th birthday. But the best part weren't the material presents or the hormones; the best part was that my dad didn't mind, and he has started calling me Jennifer, and using female pronouns, to the point where nobody has yet to correct him, as he corrects himself. And, just the other day, my entire school, and the two middle schools in town, received training for dealing with a trans* student and any bullying they get. The best part? It seemed that everyone was willing to get the training.
As for the rest of what has been going on... Not much has, actually. Other than working on some film stuff, doing homework, and acting normal. For film, though... Next year in Advanced Video, we are still going to be using the same grading system, where we make a film in 1 of 10 categories (must use 6 categories each semester, and needs 6 films total). Well, next year, I won't have to make 12 films. As long as I get my big movie filmed and edited on time for each time we screen a film (only going to edit a couple scenes worth or so for each screening), I have something to present. And I will still get credit! Even better, though, is the fact that I am starting to get the hang of the WHOLE film making process, from start to finish, which shall prove most beneficial next year. For now, though, I shall just stick to making small films, and writing the script for my movie (I have dubbed it "Inner Demons").
Earlier last week, I got a text from one of my friends (who I'm out to), giving an account of something she had seen. In her class, several guys were huddled around an iPhone, staring at it. One of them was trying to convince the others that what they were staring at (my Facebook profile) wasn't faked. They all thought that someone had Photoshopped some pictures of my male self and posted them on a fake profile (I had posted a bunch of self-portrait photos). Anyways, it went on like that for a little bit, with none of them being convinced. As soon as I heard about it, I freaked out, in the sense that I basically just shut down. I just couldn't pay attention in class. Eventually, during lunch, we (she and I) talked to the principal, to see what we should do. The answer was pretty bleak: just let it happen. People were gonna find out anyways.
Anyways...
Just this past Wednesday, I started on my Estrogen pills, as well as celebrating my 16th birthday. But the best part weren't the material presents or the hormones; the best part was that my dad didn't mind, and he has started calling me Jennifer, and using female pronouns, to the point where nobody has yet to correct him, as he corrects himself. And, just the other day, my entire school, and the two middle schools in town, received training for dealing with a trans* student and any bullying they get. The best part? It seemed that everyone was willing to get the training.
As for the rest of what has been going on... Not much has, actually. Other than working on some film stuff, doing homework, and acting normal. For film, though... Next year in Advanced Video, we are still going to be using the same grading system, where we make a film in 1 of 10 categories (must use 6 categories each semester, and needs 6 films total). Well, next year, I won't have to make 12 films. As long as I get my big movie filmed and edited on time for each time we screen a film (only going to edit a couple scenes worth or so for each screening), I have something to present. And I will still get credit! Even better, though, is the fact that I am starting to get the hang of the WHOLE film making process, from start to finish, which shall prove most beneficial next year. For now, though, I shall just stick to making small films, and writing the script for my movie (I have dubbed it "Inner Demons").
Thursday, October 11, 2012
National Coming Out Day
Today, October 11th, is National Coming Out Day. Though I don't think I will have to come out to all you guys :) Just in case, though...
I am transgender. Born with a male body and a feminine mind. I tell you, it isn't easy to live with; seeing a boy in the mirror and knowing you should be seeing a girl. It is even harder to not be able to tell anyone this, as most people don't understand. Some go even further, and hate it, to the point of verbal and physical harassment.
I needed to do something about this. About me. About my dysphoria. I didn't realize it until I was partway through Our Whole Lives, a sex-ed and safe-relationships class put on by my church. One day, we talked about transgender people, and it all seemed to fall into place. Ever had one of those sudden moments of clarity, where things just seem to click? That's what I had. I realized who and what I was. And I realized that I could do something about it.
So began the long process of coming out. On a rainy day in early April, 2011, I came out to a bisexual guy as trans. And he was pretty cool about it. I then came out to a couple friends from old schools and church camp, who had known me for a while, and that I trusted. Eventually and stupidly, I made and posted a coming out video on Youtube. Biggest mistake ever, but also in a good way; my younger sister saw it (I think I left it up on the computer we share), and told my dad. He saw it, then told my mom, when she got home. By then I had removed the video, but that night, my mom and I sat together, talking about what was going to happen. I think she went through half of a tissue box that night.
Things were pretty 'normal' for a time, until summer. During that time, I had gradually come out to a few more of my friends. During summer, though, is when I made my biggest coming out ever: at the church camp I went to, I came out to about 70+ people, in one sitting. Everyone was supportive.
The following school year (2011-12), I still went to school as Patrick, my male self. I wish I could have done something, but there wasn't much I could do. Yet that year, my sophomore year, I made more progress than ever. I made more friends, became a part of the GSA, and came out to a few more kids, including some at school. I even attended the midwinter church camp is me, Jennifer; I stayed in a girls cabin, was treated like a girl, etcetera.
I gained more confidence.
During the summer, up until now, I had been going to a trans* support group meeting, up in Seattle. There, I met several truly awesome people, who were going through something similar to my experience, in various stages of their own transitions. Needless to say, we all kicked things off from the start. Now, they are several of many people who I can rely on for help when things seem their worst.
Near the end of last school year, I was finally approved for a medical transition (taking hormones and such), paperwork and all. I started Spironolactone on March 14th of this year, and Finasteride on July 8th, both of which are used as Testosterone blockers; also, I will soon be starting Estrodial (Estrogen).
This past summer, I attended church camp again, in otherwise the same conditions as midwinter camp was, with the exception of different clothes per the weather. All went well, and I had a blast. Everyone was super accepting, supportive, and just... there. There if you needed a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to rejoice with. And they all still are, and I thank them all for that.
Later that summer, I attended a trans* conference (Gender Odyssey) up in Seattle, where I met some of my old friends, and made some new ones, not to mention learning a great deal more about transition and such.
All this time, my mother has been supportive and loving of me, and has been right beside me since I came out to her. My dad hasn't been nearly as supportive, but is getting there, slowly but surely. And, sometime this school year (before Christmas break), I will be coming out, at the very least to the people in my classes. Hopefully, things will go well, and I will be able to continue my high school career as the true me, without having to hide anything. With the love and support of all of you, my friends, I am sure I can make it through the rest of high school, and on into a happy, successful life afterwards.
Thank you, all of you, for being so accepting, supportive, and loving of me and my transition, my journey, and just for being there for me. I love you all, so, so much ♥
I am transgender. Born with a male body and a feminine mind. I tell you, it isn't easy to live with; seeing a boy in the mirror and knowing you should be seeing a girl. It is even harder to not be able to tell anyone this, as most people don't understand. Some go even further, and hate it, to the point of verbal and physical harassment.
I needed to do something about this. About me. About my dysphoria. I didn't realize it until I was partway through Our Whole Lives, a sex-ed and safe-relationships class put on by my church. One day, we talked about transgender people, and it all seemed to fall into place. Ever had one of those sudden moments of clarity, where things just seem to click? That's what I had. I realized who and what I was. And I realized that I could do something about it.
So began the long process of coming out. On a rainy day in early April, 2011, I came out to a bisexual guy as trans. And he was pretty cool about it. I then came out to a couple friends from old schools and church camp, who had known me for a while, and that I trusted. Eventually and stupidly, I made and posted a coming out video on Youtube. Biggest mistake ever, but also in a good way; my younger sister saw it (I think I left it up on the computer we share), and told my dad. He saw it, then told my mom, when she got home. By then I had removed the video, but that night, my mom and I sat together, talking about what was going to happen. I think she went through half of a tissue box that night.
Things were pretty 'normal' for a time, until summer. During that time, I had gradually come out to a few more of my friends. During summer, though, is when I made my biggest coming out ever: at the church camp I went to, I came out to about 70+ people, in one sitting. Everyone was supportive.
The following school year (2011-12), I still went to school as Patrick, my male self. I wish I could have done something, but there wasn't much I could do. Yet that year, my sophomore year, I made more progress than ever. I made more friends, became a part of the GSA, and came out to a few more kids, including some at school. I even attended the midwinter church camp is me, Jennifer; I stayed in a girls cabin, was treated like a girl, etcetera.
I gained more confidence.
During the summer, up until now, I had been going to a trans* support group meeting, up in Seattle. There, I met several truly awesome people, who were going through something similar to my experience, in various stages of their own transitions. Needless to say, we all kicked things off from the start. Now, they are several of many people who I can rely on for help when things seem their worst.
Near the end of last school year, I was finally approved for a medical transition (taking hormones and such), paperwork and all. I started Spironolactone on March 14th of this year, and Finasteride on July 8th, both of which are used as Testosterone blockers; also, I will soon be starting Estrodial (Estrogen).
This past summer, I attended church camp again, in otherwise the same conditions as midwinter camp was, with the exception of different clothes per the weather. All went well, and I had a blast. Everyone was super accepting, supportive, and just... there. There if you needed a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to rejoice with. And they all still are, and I thank them all for that.
Later that summer, I attended a trans* conference (Gender Odyssey) up in Seattle, where I met some of my old friends, and made some new ones, not to mention learning a great deal more about transition and such.
All this time, my mother has been supportive and loving of me, and has been right beside me since I came out to her. My dad hasn't been nearly as supportive, but is getting there, slowly but surely. And, sometime this school year (before Christmas break), I will be coming out, at the very least to the people in my classes. Hopefully, things will go well, and I will be able to continue my high school career as the true me, without having to hide anything. With the love and support of all of you, my friends, I am sure I can make it through the rest of high school, and on into a happy, successful life afterwards.
Thank you, all of you, for being so accepting, supportive, and loving of me and my transition, my journey, and just for being there for me. I love you all, so, so much ♥
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Telling the Teachers
Yesterday, the principle of my school called me in to her office to talk to me. What did we talk about? My transition.
A few weeks ago, my mom and an adult advocate whom my mom knew went in to talk to the principle, guidance counselor, and I think the nurse. They talked about how I was going to transition this school year, and that the staff were going to need some training, considering how well they handled the last trans student (ftm - the teachers could get his name right, but never his pronouns). They plan on having a training session on the 19th of this month (October), which should prove not terribly interesting.
Anyways, the principle called me in to tell me that she had told half of my teachers what was going to happen, and was going to tell the other half. She was wondering what I would do to tell my classmates, though, which I can understand. I told her: I would make a video (about 10 minutes long, maybe shorter), explaining how I am trans, what that means, answering some frequently asked questions I presume I will get, as well as addressing some of the slurs I may face. All in all, a rather basic coming out video. Which I hope to get credit for in my video productions class.
Speaking of videos...
Been working on the rather large script (now titled "Inner Demons", or something like) to the point where I know pretty much how each scene will play out. Granted, it's still a rough draft, and needs a few more scenes (important and filler scenes), but so far, it's pretty cool. I wish I could post it on here, but... First of all, I can't, because I cannot figure out how. Second, I lost the flashdrive where it is stored, and I don't have a backup file anywhere.
A few weeks ago, my mom and an adult advocate whom my mom knew went in to talk to the principle, guidance counselor, and I think the nurse. They talked about how I was going to transition this school year, and that the staff were going to need some training, considering how well they handled the last trans student (ftm - the teachers could get his name right, but never his pronouns). They plan on having a training session on the 19th of this month (October), which should prove not terribly interesting.
Anyways, the principle called me in to tell me that she had told half of my teachers what was going to happen, and was going to tell the other half. She was wondering what I would do to tell my classmates, though, which I can understand. I told her: I would make a video (about 10 minutes long, maybe shorter), explaining how I am trans, what that means, answering some frequently asked questions I presume I will get, as well as addressing some of the slurs I may face. All in all, a rather basic coming out video. Which I hope to get credit for in my video productions class.
Speaking of videos...
Been working on the rather large script (now titled "Inner Demons", or something like) to the point where I know pretty much how each scene will play out. Granted, it's still a rough draft, and needs a few more scenes (important and filler scenes), but so far, it's pretty cool. I wish I could post it on here, but... First of all, I can't, because I cannot figure out how. Second, I lost the flashdrive where it is stored, and I don't have a backup file anywhere.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Intellectual Transition
I find it kind of funny how, back when was in elementary and middle school, my teachers would always tell me how smart I was, and that I would do great things in and with my life.
If only they knew.
Yes, I am quite smart, with an estimated IQ around 130, I'm in AP Calculus as a Junior, and I skipped a grade (I'm 15, almost 16). Not to brag or anything. But, if you compare my brain activity and capacity to my grades... You will find that there is something missing. My dad is always complaining that I've got so much brain, but I never show it, especially in my schoolwork. No, my homework habits are so bad, I failed a semester of English last year, and nearly failed the second, as well as the full year of AP Bio. Ironic how I'm so good at math, and yet I suck at science and English. Even more ironic is how creative I can be when it comes to writing, as well as just expressing myself (this blog). Heck, I managed to come up with the idea for a feature length film in only a couple days of bouncing ideas off of my friends.
Guess what? More irony is to come! Back in the third grade, I took a test that was supposed to help tell if I was a "gifted" student or not (belonging in advanced classes, such as an AP class). I scored pretty well overall, but in the "Creativity" section... I got a nine percent. NINE PERCENT. Then you look at me now, and what I've done and made... Remember that feature length film I talked about earlier? Yeah. Well, that idea was, and still is, a stroke of pure genius. I have only received positive reviews on it.
The irony never ends, does it; in the way of doing great things with and in my life, well... Here I am, transitioning to a female gender presentation.
Speaking of which...
Today, my mother and I went up to Seattle, for several reasons. The main two being to see my doc about getting my Estrogen prescription, and my psych for, well, just to catch up and talk. The other reason we were there was to shop, of course.
We went up to Seattle in time to see Michelle Obama's motorcade pass up on southbound I-5, as we were heading north towards the city center. Once we arrived, I tried parking in one of the various parking garages. Let's just say there is now a new scratch on the rear bumper... Anyways, we got out and headed up to the lobby, near street level. We had some time to kill, so we went to a Barnes & Noble nearby, where we were greeted at the door by a rather good-looking man. "Good morning, ladies." I was so ecstatic when he said that, as I had NO chest, and was only wearing skinny jeans, a flowing silk shirt, and had a ponytail. Then again, maybe I shouldn't have been surprised.
The appointment with the doc went pretty well. All we did was briefly discuss what would happen while I was taking Estrodial, then he wrote out the prescription for it, to give to whichever pharmacy we would use. Not much else really happened. But what came AFTER the appointment... Was probably the best thing my mom and I could have done. We went bra shopping at the Nordstrom near his office!! Both of us got fitted, and I am about a 32A, with a lot of padding. Granted, my bust will eventually fill out, and I think I may end up with a B cup, but hey. For now, I'm happy with the bra I've got.
After getting my first bra, we went to the Value Village in Capital Hill (Seattle), where I finally got to see what trying things on with a bust was like. I'll tell you, breasts make a WORLD of difference, especially with tops. Trying things on while flat, versus trying things on with a chest... Man, I really could see the difference, and it was a GOOD difference.
Anyways... I got several rather cute shirts, and a couple nice sweaters, out of it, for only about $4 each. After paying, I drove us all the way back to good ole Enumclaw, and we stopped at the High School, where I attended the last half hour of the GSA meeting. While wearing one of my new shirts, skinny jeans, the new bra, and rocking a ponytail. Never felt better in my life.
Other than that... Today was rather calm. Didn't really do anything, once we got home. Well, except write on this blog, of course.
If only they knew.
Yes, I am quite smart, with an estimated IQ around 130, I'm in AP Calculus as a Junior, and I skipped a grade (I'm 15, almost 16). Not to brag or anything. But, if you compare my brain activity and capacity to my grades... You will find that there is something missing. My dad is always complaining that I've got so much brain, but I never show it, especially in my schoolwork. No, my homework habits are so bad, I failed a semester of English last year, and nearly failed the second, as well as the full year of AP Bio. Ironic how I'm so good at math, and yet I suck at science and English. Even more ironic is how creative I can be when it comes to writing, as well as just expressing myself (this blog). Heck, I managed to come up with the idea for a feature length film in only a couple days of bouncing ideas off of my friends.
Guess what? More irony is to come! Back in the third grade, I took a test that was supposed to help tell if I was a "gifted" student or not (belonging in advanced classes, such as an AP class). I scored pretty well overall, but in the "Creativity" section... I got a nine percent. NINE PERCENT. Then you look at me now, and what I've done and made... Remember that feature length film I talked about earlier? Yeah. Well, that idea was, and still is, a stroke of pure genius. I have only received positive reviews on it.
The irony never ends, does it; in the way of doing great things with and in my life, well... Here I am, transitioning to a female gender presentation.
Speaking of which...
Today, my mother and I went up to Seattle, for several reasons. The main two being to see my doc about getting my Estrogen prescription, and my psych for, well, just to catch up and talk. The other reason we were there was to shop, of course.
We went up to Seattle in time to see Michelle Obama's motorcade pass up on southbound I-5, as we were heading north towards the city center. Once we arrived, I tried parking in one of the various parking garages. Let's just say there is now a new scratch on the rear bumper... Anyways, we got out and headed up to the lobby, near street level. We had some time to kill, so we went to a Barnes & Noble nearby, where we were greeted at the door by a rather good-looking man. "Good morning, ladies." I was so ecstatic when he said that, as I had NO chest, and was only wearing skinny jeans, a flowing silk shirt, and had a ponytail. Then again, maybe I shouldn't have been surprised.
The appointment with the doc went pretty well. All we did was briefly discuss what would happen while I was taking Estrodial, then he wrote out the prescription for it, to give to whichever pharmacy we would use. Not much else really happened. But what came AFTER the appointment... Was probably the best thing my mom and I could have done. We went bra shopping at the Nordstrom near his office!! Both of us got fitted, and I am about a 32A, with a lot of padding. Granted, my bust will eventually fill out, and I think I may end up with a B cup, but hey. For now, I'm happy with the bra I've got.
After getting my first bra, we went to the Value Village in Capital Hill (Seattle), where I finally got to see what trying things on with a bust was like. I'll tell you, breasts make a WORLD of difference, especially with tops. Trying things on while flat, versus trying things on with a chest... Man, I really could see the difference, and it was a GOOD difference.
Anyways... I got several rather cute shirts, and a couple nice sweaters, out of it, for only about $4 each. After paying, I drove us all the way back to good ole Enumclaw, and we stopped at the High School, where I attended the last half hour of the GSA meeting. While wearing one of my new shirts, skinny jeans, the new bra, and rocking a ponytail. Never felt better in my life.
Other than that... Today was rather calm. Didn't really do anything, once we got home. Well, except write on this blog, of course.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Depression
Saw this post in a group I'm part of on Facebook, and nearly broke down. Not having given much thought to suicide, I don't know what it's like to be that depressed, nor do I ever want to. Nobody should ever want to. Nobody should think that the only way out, the only option remaining, is suicide. It is not.
"An arrow must be pulled backward before it can be shot forwards."
"If you are taking this journey, it is to make you a better, stronger person."
Basically, just because you are going through some tough times, no matter how desperate it may seem... It does get better.
just thought i should re post this cause i know a lot of you are having a hard time.
Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over. You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days. It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are.
"An arrow must be pulled backward before it can be shot forwards."
"If you are taking this journey, it is to make you a better, stronger person."
Basically, just because you are going through some tough times, no matter how desperate it may seem... It does get better.
just thought i should re post this cause i know a lot of you are having a hard time.
Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over. You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days. It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are.
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