Today, like most Sundays, I went to church. Yeah, I know, nothing special about it. But I did something different today. I came out to the members of my church. I told them all that I am transgender, and am on my way through transition to becoming my true self. You know what happened? As I sat down, everyone started applauding me.
Granted, I expected this, considering that the church I go to is a UCC [United Church of Christ - (we're Christians)] church, which is known for it's openness and acceptance of the LGBTQ community. In fact, it's motto is "No matter who you are or where you are on life's journey, you are welcome here." I find it rather ironic that I came out to my church last, because I knew they would have been accepting of me regardless.
Some may find this confusing. How can Christians love gays? Simple: according to Jesus and God, we should love everybody for who they are. And that is exactly what we strive to do. We don't preach the Bible, hoping that others will understand it. Instead we talk about it, and why things may have happened; why they were written. We read the Bible not because we have to, but because we seek to understand it, why the passages were written, and what they were referring to. Honestly, I can't understand why God would hate someone for who they love? I mean, shouldn't He be hating more on the people (regardless of who their partner is) that cheat on their partner, lie to them, abuse them, and divorce them? Which do you think is morally right or morally wrong: two men that have loved and been with each other for 20 years, or a man and woman that met each other drunkenly one night, decide to get married, then divorce after four months? Seriously!
Personally, I don't understand it. I can't understand it. I can't understand why a person can hate someone they have never met and don't know about. I can't understand what is wrong with love. But hey, that's just me. Is there really anything wrong with being yourself?
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Of Others and Leaders
Let's say you had the biggest secret in the world, something so dark that everybody would freak out if you told them, even to the point of killing you. Problem is, this secret is already killing you, and the longer you hold it, the more you die.
Basically, this is the dilemma that almost every LGBTIQA person faces. It's hard to tell people who we really are, but just as hard to live the lie that they want us to. And unfortunately for many, even after they come out and start transition, some never finish, even turning back, due to peer pressures (mainly from people close to them). What really saddened me is, when I'm scrolling through a group on Facebook (for trans* teens), I saw this one post. The person who posted it was saying that they wanted to just detransition (reverse the process of transition), and go back to how things were, so they could hang out with their new friends, and do drugs and be happy.
Detransitioning is NOT the route to happiness, even if it means being with your friends! Trying to please others is not what you should be doing; try to please yourself instead. What do YOU really want? And besides, if you come out to people, start to transition in front of their eyes, then stop, that's as good as saying it was a "phase", which I really doubt it ever was for anyone in the LGBTQIA community. Granted, I've experimented with my sexuality, but that wasn't a phase, more like a questioning.
And second, drugs mess you up! Anyone out there that uses drugs or alcohol to cope with not being accepted is only making things worse. Skipping the whole "drugs kill" talk, they take a toll on you emotionally. And drugs and booze only hold you back, preventing you from bettering yourself. It's bad enough keeping yourself a secret, but destroying yourself because of it?
I know how hard it is in the closet. It's so dark, sometimes it seems like the door is locked, and you just want to huddle in the darkest corner, keeping to yourself. But you know what? You have the key that unlocks the door to being you. Only you can open that door. Even though the light on the other side may blind you, and you might blind several others (yeah, I know, bad analogy...), just stay strong, and walk out of that closet with purpose. And yes, sometime's it is a lot better to just crack the door open slowly and carefully (that's how I've done it, mostly), sometimes you need to just fling it open and be proud of yourself. Yeah, yeah, some motivational speech. And yes, most people aren't accepting of anything they define as "different", and will give you a hard time... But so what? Just leave them behind you! Even though I've only dealt with regular harassment/teasing in middle school, I managed to stay pretty upbeat and happy about myself. I didn't care what others thought of me, I was going to be me!... Granted, all this is before I started questioning my gender and sexuality, but be that as it may...
On and ending note, I remember a video and slideshow that I saw in my US History class today. It talked about leadership, and what makes a good leader. Leaders are not defined just by their actions and who they are (an actor who starred in a great movie, the quarterback for a pro football team...), but how they became who they are and did what they did. If they cheated to get to the top, then what are they worth? Between one student who cheats in school to get a 4.0, and a student who works his ass of to get a 3.3 average... Who do you think deserves what grade? More that likely, the cheater will end up at a dead end job, not making much, not doing much, while the hard worker will be promoted over the other person's head. Just because someone does something big doesn't make them a great person. It just means they did something big.
Leaders aren't born. They are made. Be a leader. Choose your own path, and forge ahead. Others will follow.
Basically, this is the dilemma that almost every LGBTIQA person faces. It's hard to tell people who we really are, but just as hard to live the lie that they want us to. And unfortunately for many, even after they come out and start transition, some never finish, even turning back, due to peer pressures (mainly from people close to them). What really saddened me is, when I'm scrolling through a group on Facebook (for trans* teens), I saw this one post. The person who posted it was saying that they wanted to just detransition (reverse the process of transition), and go back to how things were, so they could hang out with their new friends, and do drugs and be happy.
Detransitioning is NOT the route to happiness, even if it means being with your friends! Trying to please others is not what you should be doing; try to please yourself instead. What do YOU really want? And besides, if you come out to people, start to transition in front of their eyes, then stop, that's as good as saying it was a "phase", which I really doubt it ever was for anyone in the LGBTQIA community. Granted, I've experimented with my sexuality, but that wasn't a phase, more like a questioning.
And second, drugs mess you up! Anyone out there that uses drugs or alcohol to cope with not being accepted is only making things worse. Skipping the whole "drugs kill" talk, they take a toll on you emotionally. And drugs and booze only hold you back, preventing you from bettering yourself. It's bad enough keeping yourself a secret, but destroying yourself because of it?
I know how hard it is in the closet. It's so dark, sometimes it seems like the door is locked, and you just want to huddle in the darkest corner, keeping to yourself. But you know what? You have the key that unlocks the door to being you. Only you can open that door. Even though the light on the other side may blind you, and you might blind several others (yeah, I know, bad analogy...), just stay strong, and walk out of that closet with purpose. And yes, sometime's it is a lot better to just crack the door open slowly and carefully (that's how I've done it, mostly), sometimes you need to just fling it open and be proud of yourself. Yeah, yeah, some motivational speech. And yes, most people aren't accepting of anything they define as "different", and will give you a hard time... But so what? Just leave them behind you! Even though I've only dealt with regular harassment/teasing in middle school, I managed to stay pretty upbeat and happy about myself. I didn't care what others thought of me, I was going to be me!... Granted, all this is before I started questioning my gender and sexuality, but be that as it may...
On and ending note, I remember a video and slideshow that I saw in my US History class today. It talked about leadership, and what makes a good leader. Leaders are not defined just by their actions and who they are (an actor who starred in a great movie, the quarterback for a pro football team...), but how they became who they are and did what they did. If they cheated to get to the top, then what are they worth? Between one student who cheats in school to get a 4.0, and a student who works his ass of to get a 3.3 average... Who do you think deserves what grade? More that likely, the cheater will end up at a dead end job, not making much, not doing much, while the hard worker will be promoted over the other person's head. Just because someone does something big doesn't make them a great person. It just means they did something big.
Leaders aren't born. They are made. Be a leader. Choose your own path, and forge ahead. Others will follow.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Tuesdays
Happy Tuesday everyone! And what a day it is!
Today, I finally had my severely ingrown toenail taken care of!! What happened was that the doc took out the sides of the nail, trimmed it a bit, then put some mild acids into the base of the nail where the cut pieces used to be, to prevent them from ever growing back in, thus taking care of the possibility of future ingrown nails. Which is what happened last year; I got the nail completely removed, then, when it grew back in, it became even more ingrown. What I find so funny/cool is that the stuff they used to numb up my toe so I wouldn't feel anything made the skin bulge, looking as though the joint was swollen. The best part? It worked REALLY well; I didn't feel a thing, only some slight pressure (i.e. no pain). Well, for the time being, I just have to take some antibiotics, and soak my toe in some salted water (Epsom salts, or something) at least once a day.
Anyways, enough about today. Let's talk about yesterday and Sunday! Well, really I'm going to talk about Sunday, because NOTHING happened yesterday, both at school and at home. Granted, more and more people say that I look like a girl (and they thought I was) from behind. Actually, funny story from today, about that same thing. Walking to the school building from the bus drop-off, one of my friends was walking behind me. And he was thinking to himself that with my long hair and skinny jeans (guy skinny jeans, still), that I looked exactly like a girl. Until he noticed my jacket, which I believe I am the only one at my school that wears it. He was wondering who would be my twin (it was Twin Day of the Spirit week - you and a buddy dress up in almost the exact same stuff), until he realized that I was a guy (or so he knew). He told me about it soon after, and I almost told him that I was trans. Good thing I stopped myself, I guess.
On to Sunday!
Mostly the same old thing. Mostly. Me, mom, and sis went to our church in Federal Way (I drove!), where I got to see and talk to one of my friends who I am out to. She plans to later doll me up and make me look like a biological girl, and I've also enlisted her help in bringing to life a film (well, the script, anyways) that I have been working on, which I also brainstormed with her when I first had the idea. Afterward, all four of us (me, mom, sis, and friend) decided to go on a little shopping trip to the new Plato's Closet in Tacoma, where I had a great time! Granted, I only got, like, two outfits and a jacket, but for as cheap as they were, and as good as they were? I think it was a pretty good shopping experience. Even had some help choosing outfits, thanks to my friend, and occasionally, my mom and sis. Eventually ended up getting a nice pair of dark skinny jeans, a nice skirt, two shirts (a purple v-neck, and a loose fitting blue and white striped shirt), and a nice, soft, fuzzy, comfortable (etc.) green hoodie. Just wish we could have stayed there longer...
Ah well, that's basically how my week has gone so far. Aside from some more script writing, film editing, and generic homework, nothing much has really happened. Wonder what tomorrow will bring...
Today, I finally had my severely ingrown toenail taken care of!! What happened was that the doc took out the sides of the nail, trimmed it a bit, then put some mild acids into the base of the nail where the cut pieces used to be, to prevent them from ever growing back in, thus taking care of the possibility of future ingrown nails. Which is what happened last year; I got the nail completely removed, then, when it grew back in, it became even more ingrown. What I find so funny/cool is that the stuff they used to numb up my toe so I wouldn't feel anything made the skin bulge, looking as though the joint was swollen. The best part? It worked REALLY well; I didn't feel a thing, only some slight pressure (i.e. no pain). Well, for the time being, I just have to take some antibiotics, and soak my toe in some salted water (Epsom salts, or something) at least once a day.
Anyways, enough about today. Let's talk about yesterday and Sunday! Well, really I'm going to talk about Sunday, because NOTHING happened yesterday, both at school and at home. Granted, more and more people say that I look like a girl (and they thought I was) from behind. Actually, funny story from today, about that same thing. Walking to the school building from the bus drop-off, one of my friends was walking behind me. And he was thinking to himself that with my long hair and skinny jeans (guy skinny jeans, still), that I looked exactly like a girl. Until he noticed my jacket, which I believe I am the only one at my school that wears it. He was wondering who would be my twin (it was Twin Day of the Spirit week - you and a buddy dress up in almost the exact same stuff), until he realized that I was a guy (or so he knew). He told me about it soon after, and I almost told him that I was trans. Good thing I stopped myself, I guess.
On to Sunday!
Mostly the same old thing. Mostly. Me, mom, and sis went to our church in Federal Way (I drove!), where I got to see and talk to one of my friends who I am out to. She plans to later doll me up and make me look like a biological girl, and I've also enlisted her help in bringing to life a film (well, the script, anyways) that I have been working on, which I also brainstormed with her when I first had the idea. Afterward, all four of us (me, mom, sis, and friend) decided to go on a little shopping trip to the new Plato's Closet in Tacoma, where I had a great time! Granted, I only got, like, two outfits and a jacket, but for as cheap as they were, and as good as they were? I think it was a pretty good shopping experience. Even had some help choosing outfits, thanks to my friend, and occasionally, my mom and sis. Eventually ended up getting a nice pair of dark skinny jeans, a nice skirt, two shirts (a purple v-neck, and a loose fitting blue and white striped shirt), and a nice, soft, fuzzy, comfortable (etc.) green hoodie. Just wish we could have stayed there longer...
Ah well, that's basically how my week has gone so far. Aside from some more script writing, film editing, and generic homework, nothing much has really happened. Wonder what tomorrow will bring...
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Twist and Shout
You know how I usually post something about an event or happening in my life? Well, not today. Which may or may not have anything to do with the fact that nothing is going on right now. Anyways, I am going to use this post to rant about a couple issues that I find rant-worthy. And rant I shall.
To start with, why is everyone concerned about gay marriage? And I mean both the straight community and the LGBT community. I mean, why isn't it already legal?... And there I go. I hate how everyone keeps saying to legalize gay marriage. How can you legalize it if it isn't illegal? I mean, is it illegal anywhere in the United States of America? Why should the government decide who can marry and how, huh? Besides, why does everyone else (most straight people) care who marries who? Nobody made a really big deal of THEIR weddings, even IF they only lasted for less than 100 days (okay, well that kinda stuff does draw media attention, but people just overlook that as typical behavior for some people). I mean, straight people (well, the bigots, anyways) are saying that gay marriage will destroy the tradition/sanctity of marriage. Well, considering how THEY abuse heterosexual relationships and marriages, I don't think that we can do any worse than them. Besides, the US has ended a ton of "traditions", including slavery, and women lacking rights (no voting, no jobs, etc.). Seriously, America!
And why do people dislike difference? Difference is what got us to where we are, out of the stone age! I mean, why does society have to be all about conformity? Hell, EVERYONE is different, they just try to appear like what society tells us is "average" or "normal", and learn to conceal their real self. I mean, that's what almost everyone in the LGBTQQ community does for a portion of their lives, sometimes longer than others. People told Einstein he would be a failure in life, and look what happened to him? Ugh, and so many people have told me that I will do great things in my life... I don't want to let them down, but... I honestly don't really know what I'm going to do after high school, besides continue with my transition. Film school and such, and the film industry, are where I have my sights set, but I can't see the path to get there. It's like the destination is in sight, but the road is hidden, and you just have to find it. And I can't find much these days. I can't even really find the enthusiasm that I felt earlier this month, when I learned I could start hormones next month. I just can't feel that happy right now. It's... Depressing... And I don't know what the bright side of anything is any more.....
Friday, September 21, 2012
Working with the School, Part 1
Today, my mom, and an advocate went and talked to the principal of my high school, as well as the guidance counselor, about my coming out later in the school year. Well, their reaction was better than anyone could have hoped for: whole-hearted, enthusiastic support. Definitely the best-case scenario. So good, in fact, that they are bringing in an educator, so that all the teachers/staff at the high school (possibly the whole district) know how to deal with a trans* student (like me!). So, around my birthday (when I start Estrogen!!), the training seminar will commence.
About the time winter break ends is probably when I will come out to the school, quite possibly the day everyone gets back. More than likely, I will write a letter that the teachers I have this year will read to my classes on that day, and I will be gone (hopefully be able to arrange it), possibly shopping. So, basically, I get to start the new year as Jennifer! though I haven't started the letter thingy yet, I'm probably going to basically state my situation and what I plan to do, in a way that the average high schooler will understand it (easier said than done). Granted, I am getting some advice to come out to some of the students before the big reveal, but... I'm not really comfortable with that, and I'm gonna go with what my gut says. Even better, I guess, is that we (me and mom) are going to see my psych pretty soon, as a sort of catching-up meeting, and asking for some advice.
Even better than all this (well, not all of it...) is that I can get my picture retaken for the yearbook!! i.e. the yearbook will have a picture of my female face, and my female name by it's side (as well as a new school ID card)!!!!
Well, I may seem pretty excited right now (believe me, I felt like I've been walking on cloud after cloud this past couple of weeks), but I am dead tired. I'm typing this up at 10:15 at night or so, on a Friday, after having company over for dinner. And believe me, my bed and I are going to, um... Well, let's just say we haven't seen each other in a while, and I need some cuddling (yeah, I know, terrible analogy, but hey, I'm exhausted, give me a break!). So... Good night, I guess. Zzzzz....
Monday, September 17, 2012
Making the Dough
In past posts, I've talked briefly about my interest in filming, and most things associated with it (editing, directing, acting, writing...). Well, I have found a way to showcase my talents. Granted, it will take a lot more output of talent, and much better film making than I have ever done, but I could do pretty well. Basically, it involves making a really good film and showing it to a lot of people.
There are several film festivals coming up in this area that i plan to be a part of, one of which is very local: the Enumclaw High School Video Productions Film Festival. This is where all the good films made this school year in the video productions class get showcased to the rest of the town. Last year, in the beginners class, one of mine almost made it in. Problem was, we disrupted too many classes...
Now, I know this may seem pretty ambitious for a young transsexual who has a limited knowledge in the fine art of film making, but believe you me, I make up for lack of knowledge and experience with extreme enthusiasm.
The other film fests are hosted in Seattle, in April and May of 2013 (well, all three are in 2013). The first is the Northwest High School Film Festival, held in May, open to all high schoolers in the northwest (well, any that are in a video productions class), particularly for good films. The other is the National Film Festival for Talented Youth, held in April, to anyone who directed a film while 22 or younger (there was an entry from a 7 year old one year!). Keep in mind, these are films from all over the country, and many international films! Last year, there were over 200 films, from 30 states in the USA, and from 20 other countries! This festival is a pretty big deal for young film makers. It introduces them to other young film makers, as well as a variety of job and education opportunities, including film and acting school. Which may be my ticket out of this town.
Currently, the script that I'm working on (which is mainly a horror film) is kind of lacking. It's only about 20 minutes or so, and has almost zero character development. It does have a plot and story, but not as much as I would like.
What this film is about is, basically, an April fools joke gone horribly wrong. A group of four friends decides to explore a haunted house, only to get trapped in it. They then learn the dark secret of the house's past: it used to belong to a serial killer, who killed people in his house. As they wander through it trying to find a way out, bad things start to happen. One of the friends disappears. The rest of them call the cops, of which one of them arrives soon after. He becomes trapped in the house too, and is soon killed by the serial killer, who is supposedly dead. This freaks the rest of the group out. They try to escape the killer, but not before another of the friends is killed. Finally, the two remaining friends find a way out: through a broken wall. The problem is, the killer beat them to it. Before he even tries to kill them, they order he reveal himself. Turns out the killer was their friend in disguise, the one who went missing first. He reveals it was all an April fools joke (possibly to get back at the characters?). Except that he didn't kill the cop and the other friend, nor did they hide or whatever. The serial killer is real, and he kills the rest of the group won't show it due to the gore, I guess).
I know I need to develop it more, and I know where to start and what to do, but... I just need some quality ideas! Now, I could just wait a couple hours or whatever for inspiration (my best ideas come to me while I lie awake in bed at night), or you guys could help me out.
Speaking of helping out, I need some more ideas for films in general. So far I've got a (supernatural) love story (magic, cursed, superpowered...), and something about what it's like being Trans* (documentary, or "based on a true story"). But I could definitely use some better ideas, if not some add-ons to these ideas.
There are several film festivals coming up in this area that i plan to be a part of, one of which is very local: the Enumclaw High School Video Productions Film Festival. This is where all the good films made this school year in the video productions class get showcased to the rest of the town. Last year, in the beginners class, one of mine almost made it in. Problem was, we disrupted too many classes...
Now, I know this may seem pretty ambitious for a young transsexual who has a limited knowledge in the fine art of film making, but believe you me, I make up for lack of knowledge and experience with extreme enthusiasm.
The other film fests are hosted in Seattle, in April and May of 2013 (well, all three are in 2013). The first is the Northwest High School Film Festival, held in May, open to all high schoolers in the northwest (well, any that are in a video productions class), particularly for good films. The other is the National Film Festival for Talented Youth, held in April, to anyone who directed a film while 22 or younger (there was an entry from a 7 year old one year!). Keep in mind, these are films from all over the country, and many international films! Last year, there were over 200 films, from 30 states in the USA, and from 20 other countries! This festival is a pretty big deal for young film makers. It introduces them to other young film makers, as well as a variety of job and education opportunities, including film and acting school. Which may be my ticket out of this town.
Currently, the script that I'm working on (which is mainly a horror film) is kind of lacking. It's only about 20 minutes or so, and has almost zero character development. It does have a plot and story, but not as much as I would like.
What this film is about is, basically, an April fools joke gone horribly wrong. A group of four friends decides to explore a haunted house, only to get trapped in it. They then learn the dark secret of the house's past: it used to belong to a serial killer, who killed people in his house. As they wander through it trying to find a way out, bad things start to happen. One of the friends disappears. The rest of them call the cops, of which one of them arrives soon after. He becomes trapped in the house too, and is soon killed by the serial killer, who is supposedly dead. This freaks the rest of the group out. They try to escape the killer, but not before another of the friends is killed. Finally, the two remaining friends find a way out: through a broken wall. The problem is, the killer beat them to it. Before he even tries to kill them, they order he reveal himself. Turns out the killer was their friend in disguise, the one who went missing first. He reveals it was all an April fools joke (possibly to get back at the characters?). Except that he didn't kill the cop and the other friend, nor did they hide or whatever. The serial killer is real, and he kills the rest of the group won't show it due to the gore, I guess).
I know I need to develop it more, and I know where to start and what to do, but... I just need some quality ideas! Now, I could just wait a couple hours or whatever for inspiration (my best ideas come to me while I lie awake in bed at night), or you guys could help me out.
Speaking of helping out, I need some more ideas for films in general. So far I've got a (supernatural) love story (magic, cursed, superpowered...), and something about what it's like being Trans* (documentary, or "based on a true story"). But I could definitely use some better ideas, if not some add-ons to these ideas.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Finding Out
Well, my plan still holds to come out to the school sometime in 2013, near the beginning of the year (January/February). But, for some, it won't be much of a surprise.
Apparently, several students at my high school have seen my Facebook profile (so I'm told), and have put two and two together. I think many have even told their families, friends, etcetera. I was told all this by my mom, just this afternoon. And you know the kicker?
I don't care that they know. And it seems they don't either.
I mean, I didn't really expect this kind of thing to happen, but what the heck. People are gonna find out sooner or later, if I have anything to say about it.
On a slightly unrelated note...
A couple months after starting spiro, I started noticing some very slight breast growth under one of my nipples. I was excited, and I still am, but it was only growing under one nipple. Well, now its growing under both. And, to match it, the pain I experience when lying on my stomach on a hardwood floor has been doubled. One of the things I wasn't expecting at first and am not really looking forward to. But, if the end result is as good as they say, I suppose it's worth it. And considering it's going to speed up a bit after my birthday... Looks like I'm in for a "fun" time. LOL. Here I am bitching about how much physical pain I'm in and will be in soon, and I should be worried about my emotions and grades and such in a few months, when I come out. Isn't it funny how things can turn out?
Apparently, several students at my high school have seen my Facebook profile (so I'm told), and have put two and two together. I think many have even told their families, friends, etcetera. I was told all this by my mom, just this afternoon. And you know the kicker?
I don't care that they know. And it seems they don't either.
I mean, I didn't really expect this kind of thing to happen, but what the heck. People are gonna find out sooner or later, if I have anything to say about it.
On a slightly unrelated note...
A couple months after starting spiro, I started noticing some very slight breast growth under one of my nipples. I was excited, and I still am, but it was only growing under one nipple. Well, now its growing under both. And, to match it, the pain I experience when lying on my stomach on a hardwood floor has been doubled. One of the things I wasn't expecting at first and am not really looking forward to. But, if the end result is as good as they say, I suppose it's worth it. And considering it's going to speed up a bit after my birthday... Looks like I'm in for a "fun" time. LOL. Here I am bitching about how much physical pain I'm in and will be in soon, and I should be worried about my emotions and grades and such in a few months, when I come out. Isn't it funny how things can turn out?
Dreams
Ugh... Waking up at four in the morning after a nightmare is NOT fun. Especially when said nightmare involved your own father putting two large bullets into your families favorite dogs' head. The worst part: he loves that dog as much as the rest of us.
Anyways, nightmares aside, at least I get to watch the sunrise. And think about where I can film a movie this weekend; we were supposed to have all the footage for our fist film yesterday, but, of course, I didn't. Still haven't even filmed one shot, let alone a scene. Granted, the film I'm planning is a short sketch comedy, but it still takes a little while to film.
I feel like I'm rambling, but I really don't have much to talk about, and I do NOT want to talk about that nightmare... I don't really know where this post was going, but I know it didn't get there. I could blame the fact that I'm getting over the shock of such a horrible nightmare. Or I could say it's because I woke up at a time that I'm not used to. Or perhaps my nose woke me; my nose has been both clogged and running on and off for the past week. Maybe all of the above. Maybe not. the point is, I am now wide awake, scared, and very hungry. Didn't realize it before, but now... I need food. Guess I'll just end this post and eat something good that will cheer me up.
Anyways, nightmares aside, at least I get to watch the sunrise. And think about where I can film a movie this weekend; we were supposed to have all the footage for our fist film yesterday, but, of course, I didn't. Still haven't even filmed one shot, let alone a scene. Granted, the film I'm planning is a short sketch comedy, but it still takes a little while to film.
I feel like I'm rambling, but I really don't have much to talk about, and I do NOT want to talk about that nightmare... I don't really know where this post was going, but I know it didn't get there. I could blame the fact that I'm getting over the shock of such a horrible nightmare. Or I could say it's because I woke up at a time that I'm not used to. Or perhaps my nose woke me; my nose has been both clogged and running on and off for the past week. Maybe all of the above. Maybe not. the point is, I am now wide awake, scared, and very hungry. Didn't realize it before, but now... I need food. Guess I'll just end this post and eat something good that will cheer me up.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Early Birthday Gift
Well, my week was been made infinitely better, so much so that I wore a "Life is Good" shirt that I haven't worn since... Well, It's been so long that I forget when I last wore it. My life hasn't really been good for a while. For obvious reasons...
Anyways.
Last night, while sitting at the computer, I overheard my parents talking, and I'm pretty sure it was about me, because I kept hearing my dad using my male name, and my mom using my female name. So, there I sat, quietly clicking and typing, trying my best to eavesdrop. Well, I didn't do well. But, later, my mom came into the room I was in, and gave me some of the best news I've heard in a long time. She told me that, while my dad isn't any more accepting than he has been, and even though he doesn't agree to me taking Estrogen, he doesn't disagree to it. So, to recap, I can finally take Estrogen!!! Granted, I'm not starting until my birthday, but what a hell of a birthday present! Even better, starting on my birthday (mid-October), my parents will both start using female pronouns and my female name at home (well, my mom will, and I think my dad might try). And, to top off the birthday awesomeness, my mom is taking me bra shopping!! What a great way to spend my 16th birthday =D I love you mom! And, dare I say it, but I love my dad too!
Life is finally Good :)
Anyways.
Last night, while sitting at the computer, I overheard my parents talking, and I'm pretty sure it was about me, because I kept hearing my dad using my male name, and my mom using my female name. So, there I sat, quietly clicking and typing, trying my best to eavesdrop. Well, I didn't do well. But, later, my mom came into the room I was in, and gave me some of the best news I've heard in a long time. She told me that, while my dad isn't any more accepting than he has been, and even though he doesn't agree to me taking Estrogen, he doesn't disagree to it. So, to recap, I can finally take Estrogen!!! Granted, I'm not starting until my birthday, but what a hell of a birthday present! Even better, starting on my birthday (mid-October), my parents will both start using female pronouns and my female name at home (well, my mom will, and I think my dad might try). And, to top off the birthday awesomeness, my mom is taking me bra shopping!! What a great way to spend my 16th birthday =D I love you mom! And, dare I say it, but I love my dad too!
Life is finally Good :)
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Running Away
Well, today I ran away. Kind of. Granted, I didn't get far, since my dad caught up with me about two miles from our house. So, we talked for, like, an hour or so, when my mom came down too. After a couple minutes, I finally got in her car, and went home. but not before going to a local produce store for some food. Basically, over the last two years, since I came out, my dad had been acting like it was all a joke, a phase. Which isn't really understandable, considering we learn at an early age the differences in gender presentation and gender roles, and, when it's "decided" (for lack of a better word) what gender you really are, you know for certain who and what you are. Granted, it usually takes a bit of exploring said gender orientation, but you get there.
Well, my plan for running away wasn't really a plan. I was really just hoping to crash at a friends house for a day or so, while things simmered down, both in me and at home. Well, my parents soon convinced me otherwise. At least my dad and I are almost on the same page, now. Granted, he's stilled opposed to my transition, especially while in high school (he actually requested that I stay male in school till I graduate. The nerve!). Granted, I can understand his reasoning, which is so that I don't get bullied, but, I mean, those experiences will (hopefully) strengthen me, and make me a better person! I mean, in middle school, I was still bouncing around everyone, seemingly carefree, even though I was tormented daily. Once at home, though, I sulked. A lot. I was almost bordering on depression when I finally transferred out of that hell-hole. Well, at least my dad still loves me enough to not want me to go through that again. And he doesn't have much hope that I will make and keep friends once I come out at school. Ha! Considering how many of my friends I've told, and you readers, all of which have been supportive and approving of this new lifestyle... I think I've got enough support to get me through the last year and a half of high school.
Well, my plan for running away wasn't really a plan. I was really just hoping to crash at a friends house for a day or so, while things simmered down, both in me and at home. Well, my parents soon convinced me otherwise. At least my dad and I are almost on the same page, now. Granted, he's stilled opposed to my transition, especially while in high school (he actually requested that I stay male in school till I graduate. The nerve!). Granted, I can understand his reasoning, which is so that I don't get bullied, but, I mean, those experiences will (hopefully) strengthen me, and make me a better person! I mean, in middle school, I was still bouncing around everyone, seemingly carefree, even though I was tormented daily. Once at home, though, I sulked. A lot. I was almost bordering on depression when I finally transferred out of that hell-hole. Well, at least my dad still loves me enough to not want me to go through that again. And he doesn't have much hope that I will make and keep friends once I come out at school. Ha! Considering how many of my friends I've told, and you readers, all of which have been supportive and approving of this new lifestyle... I think I've got enough support to get me through the last year and a half of high school.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Movie Magic
Well, the second week of my Junior year has come and gone, and things are going as well as they can, I guess. And, although we haven't really don't much in history, calc, and english, we've already done a lab or two in chemistry (didn't have to tie my hair back; not yet, anyways). However, the best thing, in my mind, that I did this week was in my video productions class. See, in the beginners class, you get credit just for putting some footage together in a coherent pattern. Well, in the advanced classed, the one I'm in, we actually have to make good movies. REALLY good movies. Which is what I've been working on all this week. Well, at least the scripts for said movies, anyways. The script I'm thinking of is something I started last year, in the beginners class, but never really got around to finishing, until this year. Well, it went from being a 5-10 minute movie into a 15-20 minute movie. And, though the plot didn't really turn out any differently than I really thought it would, I surprised myself: when I showed it to a couple people, they were so surprised at how life-like it was. All the suspense, emotions, etc... Especially when they got to the end. Like in every horror/suspense movie (yes, this movie is going to be a horror/suspense), the ending is always shocking, and I tried to do my best to make it a good ending. Not necessarily happy, just good. Dramatic. Cliffhanging. Granted, I still had some minor corrections to make, I think it turned out great. Now, the trick is just to find a film crew and some actors... I will try to upload the video somewhere on here as soon as it's done, but no guaranties.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Therapy and More
You know, I've been meaning to talk about this subject for a while, but never got around to doing so. As it happens, therapy can be a pretty touchy subject for any trans* person. I know, because it was for me at first. See, the word "therapy" implies that something is wrong with the person, and it needs to be fixed. This is NOT the case for trans* people, expecially if you find a good therapist.There is nothing about being trans* that needs to be fixed or cured or whatever. A therapist is there to help you transition, not make it worse. They can provide many resources for surgery, endocrinologists, support groups, you name it. Not to mention that they are there to help with your emotions. Considering that estrogen and testosterone can turn your emotions as you knew them inside out, as well as the stress of having to keep a secret for so long, you're gonna need some way to let your emotions, joys, and concerns out without hurting yourslef or anybody else. Believe me, I bullied my sister for years, and that was just because I needed an outlet for my own experiences being harrassed in middle school (this is before I even started to question my gender). Imagine how bad it can be if you're harrassed for being yourself when others don't want you to be.
Anyways, it's not really therapy, so much as meeting with someone who can help you on your way to becoming the real you. Almost like seeing a good friend who is always there for you. And really, you shouldn't be seeing a therapist/psychiatrist just so you can get a letter of recomendation. You should be seeing them for help getting to your goal, especially emotional support. Trust me, you are going to need it.
My suggestion for finding a trans* friendly therapist in your area is to look around for therapists, then ask their opinions on the whole LGBTQ and about trans* people. If the response is good, question a little furthur about "treating" (for lack of a better word) trans* people. If this response is also good, then book an appointment! If you get too many bad reactions (I leave this for you to decide what is good and bad), then look for someone else. Therapists these days should be getting more trans* friendly.
On a side note, school is going well for me so far. Well, as well as school can be when you aren't out yet. At least there's a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). And, I guess, Video Club, which is basically about making movies outside of the classroom (Video Produtions), especially this year. I won't say much, but it's the next movie in a series almost as old as the class itself. And I think I will be part of it this year.
Anyways, it's not really therapy, so much as meeting with someone who can help you on your way to becoming the real you. Almost like seeing a good friend who is always there for you. And really, you shouldn't be seeing a therapist/psychiatrist just so you can get a letter of recomendation. You should be seeing them for help getting to your goal, especially emotional support. Trust me, you are going to need it.
My suggestion for finding a trans* friendly therapist in your area is to look around for therapists, then ask their opinions on the whole LGBTQ and about trans* people. If the response is good, question a little furthur about "treating" (for lack of a better word) trans* people. If this response is also good, then book an appointment! If you get too many bad reactions (I leave this for you to decide what is good and bad), then look for someone else. Therapists these days should be getting more trans* friendly.
On a side note, school is going well for me so far. Well, as well as school can be when you aren't out yet. At least there's a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). And, I guess, Video Club, which is basically about making movies outside of the classroom (Video Produtions), especially this year. I won't say much, but it's the next movie in a series almost as old as the class itself. And I think I will be part of it this year.
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